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I'm praying for you. Please get help. You are loved and you matter! Please see the resources below. Talk with a virtual prayer partner on here. Call the suicide hotline: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, at 1-800-273-8255 in US or the one in your country.*People will say that I'm being dramatic for wanting to kill myself because my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. It's more of, everything in my life has fallen apart and the one thing that I had hoped would never end, ended.
I've lost an impressive amount of weight in a span of two weeks. Having only weighed around 46kg, I am now in 43kg. It wasn't just the breakup that affected me; the past year, I've been dealing with immense anxiety and depression that sometimes, even on days when nothing's happened, I would start hyperventilating and just crying out of nowhere. I would pray and pray, but it's like God never heard me. And I'm grateful for my ex during those days; he would listen and join me, but things got worse and soon enough, he lost his feelings for me. He stopped loving me.
And so he broke up with me.
It's been the worst because of how I thought I was losing my feelings, when in fact I'm in love with him. But he doesn't feel the same way.
And I'm just tired.
Tired of who I am. Tired of my situation. They say that even if the situation doesn't change, you can and you will change. And I have. But no matter what I do, I'm still in so much pain and suffering, it makes me wonder if God even cares.
I'm losing myself, losing my mind and my heart, and God hasn't reached out to heal me.
I've been suicidal at a young age, started from around 5 or 6. Always wanted to just end things. I never wanted to reach this age, never wanted to become an adult. I hate it when people tell me to just go through with it, everyone's living and fighting for their lives, that's no excuse for me to throw in the towel. I'm not special, is what they mean. But I don't want to be special. I just want to stop. To die.
My depression and anxiety have been my 'friends' for as long as I could remember. They've been with me far longer than anyone has.
It feels like God has abandoned me, yet He still expects me to rejoice in these trials and tribulations. To praise Him, for all that He has done.
But I never wanted to be born, to begin with.