Anonymous
Beloved of All
I need more spiritual discipline. I really struggle with spending time with God. I'm not sure what's keeping me from spending the time with Him that I need to - if it's the distractions in life, laziness, my fears that He's upset with me, that I won't hear from Him, or of what He might ask of me, and the fear that I'll just end up failing Him - it's probably a combination of all of those factors and the fact that I really don't know His heart and voice as I should. There was a time I loved reading the Word of God and all I wanted to do was know Him more - I'm not saying I was perfect, but I think that desire to know Him more was genuine in some ways... But then life and my flesh got in the way... Life really is hard and busy and complicated, and I let other desires and fears distract me. And right now, I'm so consumed with anxiety for my future, my friends, my family members... and at the same time I feel so shameful for all my past mistakes and feel like I screwed up too many times and God must have given up on me to some degree... I worry I'll never find my true purpose in Christ, that I'll never get married, have kids, walk in victory, have a job I love, use my gifts and talents for His glory... I have a genuine fear I'll be left behind as everyone else walks into victory, and even worse, I'm afraid that my actions or lack of actions have kept and will keep others from walking in victory too... And that kind of guilt is a lot to carry. I know I need to combat these fears and thoughts with God's Word. I do try to sometimes, though, and it doesn't help much - but maybe I'm not trying hard enough - I'm sure I'm not. Please, if you can, pray for my mind and my heart - that it would be in the right place in Jesus's name. That the Holy Spirit would quiet my mind and calm my fears and fill me with peace. Pray that the Holy Spirit empowers me to discipline myself and read my Word, spend time in prayer and quiet so I can really know my Father's voice. That I would meet with Him in the secret place and that I would know without a doubt I do hear from God and I do know and recognize His voice. That my heart and desires would come into alignment with his heart and desires for my life, others, and everything else. I'm so scared about the future, and I feel so lost right now. Sometimes it feels like I'm running to God only when I want something, and all I want from Him is to fix it all, and then I'll suddenly be good and act the way I should as a Christ follower. But deep down, I know that's not how it works. So please pray that God helps me and empowers me to make those first steps in the right direction and then that He would meet me there and help me go the rest of the way. That the thoughts I have that aren't of God would be dismantled with His truth. And that I would truly become a new creation. I want to finish my race well. I want to put God first in everything and have the kind of peace a Believer should have. It would be wonderful even to feel some of that peace now - today - because lately I've just been feeling so heavy, depressed, discouraged, guilty, and anxious... It's no way to live. I did listen to my Bible app as I got ready for work this morning. And I'm planning to set aside time to spend with the Lord today so please pray He meets me. Thank you!