Please pray for me. There's so much going on, it's hard to describe. I'm sure I'm suffering from depression. I can't remember things. I can't sleep well. I really have no appetite. I'm always irritable. I can't focus or concentrate. Of all the stupid things, I can't seem to stop swearing when something happens that upsets or irritates me. My time is taken up taking care of others or taking care of my four kitties that I love. I'm there for everyone else always. I didn't sleep much last night because my neighbor, who is a wonderful woman on dialysis, needed me to take her to the hospital at 9:00 pm last night. We were there until 2:15 am and I didn't sleep a whole lot when I got home. Then she called me again at 7:00 am asking me to take her to her dialysis appointment because there was no transportation for her today. My heart is uplifted when I read my daily devotionals and the prayers of a few wonderful individuals on X who post truly beautiful, inspiring prayers twice each day. But most of the time, I'm in a really bad mood. I also have a bad back that hurts most of the time. I'm waiting for my pain management doctor to decide what to do next. I do several things each day to get through the day. I take several supplements that are meant to help one's mood (raise serotonin), I take one or two 15-20 minute walks a day. I go to physical therapy twice a week. I don't understand why I feel so lousy all the time. I'm so sick and tired of feeling this way. I'm talking with a Christian Psychologist, but it doesn't seem as though talking is doing it. At 72, I'm getting scared that this is my life. I do work part time, and the work is kind of a distraction from feeling so bad. But nothing ever happens for me. I hate thinking that way. Being a Christian should bring joy in the Lord, but not for me. I don't even know what being happy or finding joy is like. That's not quite true. I go into tears of thankfulness when I hear that God has answered the prayers I've said with friends who needed help. Sometimes, these are dire situations, so it means a lot to see God working. But as for me? Not so much. I genuinely need a heart-miracle and a life miracle. I've asked forgiveness for my bad attitude and sought repentance. I feel as though the love I have for the Lord that I try with all my heart to share with others isn't enough. Don't get me wrong. The things I do for others comes sincerely from my love of the Lord, and I am so glad I can be there for them. Still, it's all so stressful. If I sound confused and a little desperate, I am. I just need for something truly amazing and good to happen for me, like ridding me of this depression or letting me sleep better. It's so frustrating that so much of my time is taken up either doing things to get through the day (like taking supplements or walks) or doing things for others. Nothing feels normal or right. I have plans for a novel or script that I know would be terrific, but all my time is taken up with everything else. I just want to feel normal. I know a lot of what I'm writing here is simply because I didn't get enough sleep, but this has been going on for months and months, and I just can't stand feeling this way.
