Oxismos
Disciple of Prayer
Please pray for me, I’m just going to share my thought process so you understand—I feel like I don’t know who God is anymore. I’ve been reading and am still reading scripture and people’s opinions, I’m looking at healing at the moment, physical healing. It really does instill this horrible fear in me that God will allow me to suffer as He does many people all throughout their life and has no intention to heal them. People are saying God won’t always heal you and you have to learn to live with the pain and discomfort and get on with it basically, you should still live for God even if He just lets you suffer this way for your entire life. I don’t know that God, but what if that’s true, why would He heal me of my physical problems when there’s someone in the world with something even worse? It makes me have no faith. What if He wants me to suffer like this for His glory, although I don’t see how I am any use, I am of no use to Jesus like this, and why would He do that to me if He loves me? What if I suffer this way every day for years yet, it’s already been two, what if it’s another two, or even forever. I’m looking in scripture for guidance and hope but I’m finding the opposite. I don’t want God to leave me like this, and I know God promises we won’t always suffer, but He doesn’t promise we won’t always suffer in this life, does He? What if I’m only healed when I die. I know I should live for Him but I do also want to be happy, and I quite honestly can’t live like this anyway, I’ve tried to manage it as best I can and it’s just relentless suffering all day every day, I can’t sleep properly because I wake up with it mucus all stuck in my nose and throat and it feels like I’m choking. I’m scared He’s punishing me by giving me this because I love this guy and he might not want that for me. I’m scared He’s making me have this nose issue so I don’t ever be happy and want to live a worldly life like get married and have children, what if He wants me to suffer in this way so I have nothing left to focus on but God, at this point I feel like He’s saying even if you suffer like this forever you should prove to me that you will still love me and live your life this way, but I can’t. I’m worried He’s making me suffer until He decides to heal me, then what if I do something wrong in life and He makes it come back until I do what He says. Basically, I feel like I shouldn’t want a husband and a family and I shouldn’t want to be happy like a normal person, I feel like I should just want God and nothing else and if I don’t then I deserve to suffer like this with my nose, and I feel like that’s what God wants too. I don’t know why He is not healing me when I am suffering so much to the point of contemplating suicide. I looked online today and catarrh is an issue which is exactly like what I feel, however I’m not sure if that’s the sensation of mucus but there’s no mucus, but I do actually have mucus, so I’m not sure if I have catarrh. But that is incurable and can last for years and years, there’s nothing doctors can do. I’m so scared that I’m stuck with this, something is telling me this is far from over, and even if it goes something is telling me it will come back one day and stay for years again. I have such a high pain tolerance and I’m not a hypochondriac by any means, I wouldn’t be moaning about my nose at all, I have always had sinus issues that many people would have complained about years ago, but not a complainer it’s just because it is so panic-inducing and it is so uncomfortable how it is now, how can anyone live feeling like they’re choking all day every day, I can’t sleep I can’t focus on anything else but that all day every day, how can Jesus expect me to live like that, I am confident I could honestly cope with most other things, I would never ask for physical healing if it wasn’t literally ruining my life and causing me so much discomfort. I just want healing and peace from it, I want it to go and never ever come back. There’s just no peace for two years it’s every second of every day, and if He wouldn’t heal me by now when I’ve been in this state for so long, why will He ever heal me 
.. to remind me.. He is always healing
