el6746
Disciple of Prayer
Lord, I pray for you to heal my heart of my pressing circumstances. You know that four years and three months ago I started dating the man of my dreams- we were only high school freshman then, naive and ignorant to the world and anything aside from our love for each other. My parents were disapproving, thinking I was too young for a relationship. So we snuck around for a few years, went to movies sometimes, hung out at school, but the love we had was undeniable. Even through some mishaps throughout our high school years, we made it through graduation a happy couple, overjoyed with the opportunity to spend the next four years at the same college. In college this year we grew both as individuals and as a couple, we spent more time together, validated the love we had for each other. Marriage began becoming a real consideration after graduation, and we had our lives planned around each other. But as the year wore on, trust issues began to overcome me, jealousy towards other girls, paranoia, and the like. I had always been a pretty demanding person, but this year I became controlling, demanding, and overall just an awful girlfriend and person to be around. But he loved me selflessly and put up with all of my fuss. Until one night where we had a huge fight and I demanded something ridiculous and he wouldn't give it to me and after that, nothing was the same. We started fighting regularly, and one night I blew up telling him I was so much better than him and that I didn't need him and just awful degrading things that should never come out of anyone's mouth. The next day, he wasn't the same person. He finally realized what I had been doing to him over the past few years and told me that he was unhappy with his life and couldn't be in a relationship with me anymore. He told me that he was willing to go to church with me to see if God had it in his plans to reconcile our relationship. I was distraught, I didn't see it coming at all; how could the man that claimed that he would be with me forever and always just abandon me like that? I wouldn't leave him alone, we both had a rough couple of days following the break- up, both turning to alcohol to forget, even for a few hours, the new reality of our lives. I found out that he had been talking to another girl, just friends he convinced me. I believed that he wouldn't do anything with her, but I was paranoid and kept asking him questions to which he said was none of my business because we weren't dating anymore. I tried really hard to stay away and stop talking to him, I really did. I tried to seek comfort in God, but the hole in my heart was overwhelming. We had multiple talks, where he told me that he loved me still and would always be in love with me, he just couldn't see us ever together again. But he was willing to rebuild our friendship in God and see where his plan led us. I didn't know what to do with myself, that night I got almost blackout drunk and cried outside his door while he screamed at me from inside his room. After that night he was furious at me and basically wanted nothing to do with me again, and said that the only reason why he'd go to church with me is to make me happy. He said that he didn't care if I changed or not, and that he didn't want to try to make things to work anymore. I haven't talked to him in a week and a half, I know that I need to change and grow in Christ, and I've had good and bad days and even hours. I know that in the end only God will be able to work in his heart and life. But I'm afraid that if I don't talk to him now he'll move on and get over all notions of us being together in the future. The reason why I'm so pressed on making this work, rather than concentrating on just getting over him is that God keeps telling me that he wants to use us together in the future. My mother has had cancer three times the past six years, and has blessed countless people and drawn hundreds of people to God through her testimonies. I believe that the Lord wants to use us together to one day relay this message to others, even people from other nations. I know that I'll be able to be the woman and wife he deserves one day if he gives me the chance. Please pray for me, pray that God will slowly begin healing my broken heart, that God will soften his heart so we can begin to patch up open wounds and become brother and sister in Christ again if nothing more for now. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
