Shathesca
Humble Servant
I guess my heart is broken maybe destroyed. I don't know what to do. My prayers seem to go nowhere. I mean it's just me talking about the same thing. I don't know anything really. My wife Allie used to be a person who I thought was the most honest and kind person I could ever meet. Now I'm not sure. I don't want to blame anyone or anything. I've prayed constantly night and day. I thought maybe just maybe she would miss me or ask for forgiveness. Either I'm crazy or she is. I've lost so much. I'm wearing down. I have tried everything I know. Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me. I don't want to go forward alone. I understand that God has a plan for us but I think He skipped me. I'm really sorry for failing you God. I believed I was following your teachings. Allie did say she hated me towards the end. She never spoke a hateful word to me. Then she started smoking Marijuana. She never touched drugs. Marijuana is a drug don't kid yourselves. It's insidious because it lies to your spirit. I know I used to abuse it until I found something better...God. I am not sure I'm going to make it through this journey. Praying for her daily hasn't worked out. We were together for over a decade. I don't think people understand the power of the word agreement or commitment. You just can't hurt someone and not suffer the consequences of your betrayal. I believe God forgives. I forgive. But what good does it really matter? I'm ready to die. My life is empty and lonely. I don't understand why we are allowed to suffer. Nobody cares about me. I deal with hateful people. I reach out to help but no one cares. I honor Allie but it doesn't matter to her or the universe. Something is wrong with the world. People worship a liar running for president. Spewing hate and irrational ideas and they think he's a messiah? What's happening in our world? So much meanness masquerading as righteousness. I am lost in my life. I've followed the rules and the codes of conduct and it still didn't work out perfectly. If this is the way it is going then I have no more faith in goodness. No faith in the intelligence of mankind. People used to be kind and thoughtful and respectful of others. Allie has been destroyed by greed or the brainwashing of materialism. This is not the teaching of Jesus Christ. I have been patient and forgiving in all aspects of my life. But I've been attacked and insulted and accused and punished by lies and I took the high road and forgave but what good has it done? I'm the one who suffers and keeps going down. So answer my prayers! Come on and hear me! I get scared and worried. I am a man but I cry for my wife and my home and my animals. She took it all. I still love her but why can't I just be loved? I have zero people to lean on. I write these pathetic prayers every day and night. I have nothing to live for. I crave human kindness. I went to therapy but they're hateful and rude. Trust me I've tried everything. I live in Espanola nm the fentanyl and heroine capital of America. These people are walking zombies. You'll see dead people at the bus stop overdosed. In the street on the sidewalk. I did cpr on seven people in 4 days from overdose. I'm stuck here. I was a good husband. I'm a good friend. I have moral codes that I don't want to break anymore. Where is God? What do I do? I'm sinking down. Help me someone please pray for me because I don't think my prayers are working.