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Don't... I feel the exact same way. Everyday I hope for death, but He doesn't want me to go yet. But suicide can't be undone. It's an eternal death sentence... guaranteed.I have lived for 26 years now.
I'm incapable, depressed, lazy, faithless, but I have a lot of desire.
I'm trash.
All I want is vain, useless, belong to this world, trivial compared to God's plan, and Satan's to be destroyed. That's what people say.
But I really want it badly.
I've given up on everything else, but for this time only, God, do me a favor.
Give me proof that you didn't abandon me.
People tell me to leave all my sovereignty to my father.
But I can't.
God has never granted my wish.
God, please help me.
If you don't grant me this wish, I have no choice but to kill myself - I don't have energy to live.
But I don't want to die.
I want to see the face of God.
I know that I'm selfish and have no faith, and I know this prayer doesn't align with your will.
Everyone points fingers at me, and my family and pastor are sick of me.
But if you know how I feel, God help me.
If you grant my wish this time, I will trust you forever.
But if you don't, I will surely die.
Please help me.