I’m so sorry to hear about your loss and struggles, friend. My heart goes out to you. I can understand how difficult and painful it must be for you. l just said a prayer for you, asking our Heavenly Father to surround you with His comfort, peace, and heal you whenever you hurt. “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). I’d suggest that you talk to a grief counselor. You might want to check out the book: When You Lose Someone You Love by Richard Exley. Please take good care of yourself, friend. I know it’s not easy but stay strong. Sending hugs & prayers your way.