Bakkin
Disciple of Prayer
Hello sorry for bothering with this I dont mean to but I'm so distraught and depressed and worried and scared and also about to give up on myself and life because the position I been put in and dont think I can get out of due to being used and taking advantage of and lied to and fooled and now my life maybe ruined and over or a miracle or the impossible needs to happen very soon and quickly in all my life or most and God gives me another chance even if it is the last chance ever I will take it as long as my life is not destroyed or I get in big trouble because of such a selfish careless inconsiderate person I really thought was at least my friend. If you remember me asking for prayer many times about a person I really cared for genuinely with my heart and life who I thought cared about me too and was at least my friend, Lorren. I recently been dealing with her the past few months mainly because of her needing my help with things mostly to help her get a car. I know many wouldn't help someone even if they know them especially with a car, I wanted to help her to show I really was honest and true about all I ever told her or in all the letters I had given her and to keep my word that I do what I can to not only prove and show her I'm her friend but more so that I really truly care about her and her life and her daughter and family, and would take care of her and also to show her love genuinely and unconditional love and care and goodness and not do it with selfish motives and intentions, all I wanted was for her to recognize that the right way but she didn't I see now. I put myself on the line in a sense helping her so much even just with this. I went through so much and more only to finally see she been most likely using me and taking advantage of my interest for her and wanting to prove myself to her that I'm good for her and would be the man who really cares about her life always and more. But I made a possibly fatal mistake that I ignored or didn't think about making it a priority to see if she would too and she would do things and prove and show me she was true to me and was serious about me and my life. Even though we knowned each other for almost a year and a half I didn't see her true colors till she moved away to another state and I had to visit on the basis of her needing help when nobody else would. I always been there for her and mostly honest and myself to her and helped her and prayed for her and even told her I have prayed for her and her daughter and ask people to pray too. I really did what I could to show true care and compassion and support and understanding and love to her but the problem I realized too late was to see if she was as well towards me and I think she has not. I even made sacrifices like just with helping her get a car by not getting myself one when I dont have one but to be unselfish and to show her care and love to help her despite my needs and position but I don't think she really cared or realize it and saw it, she just only wanted what she needed and cared about her life and the position she was in but I didn't see it till it was too late. Now I have so many issues inside and out, emotionally and mentally and especially financially how in trouble i am in or more that may possibly have ruin the rest of my life yes it's that critical and serious because all I did to get the money and other issues involving this all to make sure to help her and be there for her for her to after not speak to me and really more than that not be the type of way someone should be to someone who been there for you helping you doing things nobody else would yet not make them more important or even show affection for but be selfish so selfish and entitled or using. She seem to be very secretive or hiding things from me that was probably important because then I probably wouldn't have helped her especially if she was seeing another man. And she wasn't up front about things and if I questioned her or told her my suspicions or feelings of how she seem to be treating me she would get defensive and try to turn it around on me to make me look like I was to blame and I did her wrong and wasn't trusting her. Yet she always did things big and small to show I didn't really matter or she didn't really care about me or want anything to do with me like I hoped for but used my feelings and emotions against me to make empty promises of how she would be with me but she just wasn't ready for a relationship and would always used that even if it wasn't about that. I think now that she wanted to have the benefits of me caring so much to do things for her because nobody else would and or because maybe it was another man she knew she rather have but she couldn't get things out of him so she had me be that guy. She saw I would do things for her, give her gifts and help her even do things and give to her daughter and other family so she used that to take advantage I think. Even though she act like she didn't really need me if I couldn't or wouldn't or said no but I think she made it seem like that because she really wanted to appear that she wasn't using me when she may have been I think. I could go on more but I been so long already and dont want to burden even though this has surely been something in my entire life that could make or break me or worse. I just hate I didn't do more to make her show me if she cared about me and her interest was as mine and her motives and intentions were pure and right and on the same page as mine. I let finally having a female for the 1st time in a very long long time if ever show that she would talk to me and hangout with me and things at least that's how it seem at 1st when she still lived here till she moved away then it seemed different. I let that make me ignorant and foolish to say things I should have and asked things I should have and do things I should have and made her show and prove to me she was worthy of me and all I done for her but I didn't want to be or seem selfish or after my own desires but maybe I should have. Because now I'm in a position in many ways that either I cant get out of or will get worse that I know I cannot take and be strong to deal with because I shouldn't have to and also the thoughts and feelings I have that I don't want to but just do due to the aftermath of all this that's happened and happening and all this time being duped or foolish for her. This is so deep that I dont want to go on in life anymore or literally not live for so many reasons. I dont know if I can get help or a miracle or something because I'm in a bind and will not only cause myself trouble and issues and worry but my family and friends will be hit by this one way or another I feel or unless something get me out of this problem I have and more I will unless I receive money to payback who I need to and fix things before maybe legal or other serious issues come and other financial problems and also dealing with the emotional and mental effects of what this and she has done and my feelings and even wanting to do something bad to her or something to be honest and be vengeful even though I really don't want to but I hate I may suffer and be in serious trouble and have consequences due to dealing with her. I'm not trying to point fingers or not take responsibility i am and i know I'm accountable because I choose and made decisions to deal with her and do things for her because of her it's my fault but at the same time whether everyone else ignore it I cant that if it wasn't for her using me and taking advantage of me if it wasn't for her being the reason why I did all I did then I definitely would not be in this position and worse and it's due to her manipulative selfish ways and deception that I didn't see soon enough or realize she was like that till it was too late and all I was trying to do is be a real friend and be truly caring and loving and unconditional and unselfish and understanding but she probably wasn't to me now I'm suffering and will probably have my life ruined or something while she goes on no problem or worries and maybe do someone else wrong. I dont know what to do especially when this not just gonna effect and hurt me but people who not even apart of this or anything like my family and friends and even people I owe. I feel like completely giving up or something because I dont know how this all can get fixed right and I be free of it all and how she did me. I want to forgive and have mercy on her totally I just don't know if I can if I have to be the one to suffer all the consequences and also have my family and friends deal with it too when none of us deserves it, she was the one wrong and lying and manipulative and untrustworthy and using and uncaring and selfish and more.oh I want to forgive and have mercy and love and do what the lord would want me to and repent and completely turn to him and more, this though may keep that from happening one way or another unless I get help and free of it all and justice I say justice because I am the victim of how she did me and now my life may be ruined or over. I just don't know what to say do or even pray anymore I'm so weak and unhopeful unless a miracle can happen to free me of all that has came out of dealing with her that could have me I serious trouble pain heartbreak and hurt and more. My life and the position I been in before all this was hard and bad enough being unemployed now and living with my parents making their garage my room and other unstable areas of my life I cant afford or handle this which is why I'm so very depressed and losing hope for myself and life and future especially if this makes it more than worse unless something happens to help me!
