God, you know who I really am, ...

[Anonymous]

God, you know who I really am, I am not sure I do completely you know and I know I am not in your family. I have claimed to be at times a christian but I knowthat i have been a fake not just in being a so called believer but in every relationship in my entire life i have worn a different mask. Now all that has come upon me and what I thought I had control over has been controlling me what strength i thought i had has no effect. I realize the sentance of judgement you have upon me is right and just and i have even tried to control that but i cant. I cant repent I cant do anything I just hope to make it though another hour minute second whatever time i have, but it just seems to be pointless. I dont feel other than regret but even that is muffled. Im hopeless. I have no hope only expectation of misery. I went to the hospital trying to not die in my house where my wife would come home to a dead me but they sent me home on the 3rd day of course unable to find the reason for symptoms because its spiritual and they cant fix it you know that i knew that when i went there. So now theres amother huge bill to the insurance company that they shouldbt have to pay. I put on a mask to preserve my life, i listened to TBN most of tne time i was in there hoping you would talk to me but i realized on sunday that you were not going to speak tnat i couldnt make you change your mind. I know i am typing this hoping now for another chance more mercy more patience a softened heart and for my mind and heart to be able to repent and have faith but i also realize that you have decreed my death. That you are sitting in the heavens and laughing at my calamity not because you wanted it this way but because of my own stiffnecked attitide towards your attempts to turn me away from my ways. I chose not to listen. I want to be able to turn towards you i realize that its not in my ability to do so its not in my power nothing is anymore the fact that i thought it ever was was foolish. I cant help myself or anyone now. I could only hope that your sovereign hand would move for me. I cant say for my wife or son or anyone else and be truthful so i am just asking for myself.

I am so very sorry! I did not mean to send you that video. Please forgive me, technology is rediculous. Look up “alex wilson Jesus never stops pursuing you” on youtube.