Eloidale
Disciple of Prayer
Please pray for me for not seeing what the hospital was going to miss in caring for my husband ###. The hospital let him die drowning in his own vomit. I knew he was weak and, had the hospital called me to tell me ### was sick, I would have been there to hold my ###'s head up. But they didn't. But I hate myself because I know the healthcare system is horrible and I should have called the hospital when they neglected to return my call. I hate myself because my husband was the reason I loved my life. Now there is no reason to live and I'm terrified for how ### starved for air and I've been angry at God for allowing ### to die this way. I could have handled his death better but it's how he suffered for air. Why would God allow a wonderful man to die this way and leave me to blame myself and think about how he died, for the rest of my stupid life. And not being the best caregiver. I failed. I'm not well myself with ### and I spent all of the following year being my mom's caregiver who was dying of cancer and cleaning out her house. I don't know anyone else having to deal with their mom dying the same time their husband needed them. I'm so angry but at the end of every day I'm angry at me for not being with my husband to prevent him from choking. I needed rest but ### needed me more. I hope I die soon because I know I can't go on thinking about how I failed the person I loved the most in this horrible world.