can't stand these voices i can't even tell if its the voices of my own wicked heart or the demons, im trying to worship Yashua and its so hard there is so much interference for example Im singing to Jesus - You are worthy of it all and then it gets twisted to satan is worthy of it all. cant stand this bi polar double mindedness one minute i just love Yashua so so much im overwhelmed by the cross but then something happens and I hate Him for sending people to hell including so many lukewarm Christians. HE is so strict i dont know how someone like me can ever change enough. I dont have the Holy Spirit i have no self control to stop smoking i know its killing me im getting sick with my breathing and coughing but i just cant stop. several times i have chucked my tobacco away only to buy more. I break my bankcard so i cant get any to buy, i give all my money to charity so i wont have money to buy them but i just end up buying more through borrrowing money. i know its a sin that will send me to hell but i just cant stop. when i run out i pick up butts in the street like homeless people do. if God is love why is this world so hard, its bad enough for people on CBN but what about all the persecuted Christians overseas how on earth they keep their faith i dont know. i am trying to pray but all i keep asking is please kill me Jesus and dont send me to hell. the only thing stopping me from trying to commit suicide is i know hell is real. i dont know why Jesus had to die for our sins, why couldn't God just forgive us if HE is love and not make His poor son suffer so much. If He took all our sins why am i still sinning. all day long my mind is like that just constantly judging and critising God and sometimes cursing Him out. I have been praying for a new heart diligently for a year or two but feel farther away from Him than ever, so dead inside, such a hardened heart. The only thing that helped was when I felt Jesus presence about 6 months ago, it was like that girl sings at the end of the song take courage my heart, stay steadfast my soul, He.s in the waiting, at the end she sings - in the light of His presence all our questions die all our questions fade away. so much agitation especially in my legs cant even kneel down to pray. so hard hearted and double minded and Jesus is coming soon for a bride, a church that is spotless and without wrinkle. How can He be love when so much suffering i feel like im loosing my mind all over again trying to think of how its possible. sorry.