raydiopill
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Woof! here it Goes. Where should i start. Okay. I'm adrian obviously its written in my profile. Im working here in KSA, serve as a choir and guitar song arranger for the church. I had my ups and downs for being What I am. The truth is despite myservice to the Lord, I still often get side tracked. Backslides has been preventing me ever since and maybe that’s why I can’t fully let him into my heart until everything was lost. 8 years ago I gave up being in a band. We were few of the one’s in Dagupan who started Indie Scene and Small Gigs. So I gave up everything not because I was already a father, because I loved my wife. We weren’t married. We had this legal wedding but only just to show the people we were married and I was so stupid to agree not to register our marriage because she was under a petition to go to US. At first we were good. We have our common friends, we were both musicians. She was a drummer. At first I went back playing for a new band while I was working. She stayed home to take care of our 1st born. Then eventually after 2 years decided to make another one in case she left me, I wouldn’t be alone waiting for her to bring me to US. Till time passed by. I had other jobs, I got so stuck, and workaholic because it’s really hard to support both your family(My brother, Mom and Father) and my own family. (Sorry for the mixed up English, you know when you get to work here. You’ll mix up all the languages and it’s very hard to maintain a good grammar because they only understand below the basic English. I feel really sad that because of the religion stuff they fall short on Education. So I was saying. I ended up doing 3 jobs, it was fine by me but I really didn’t know what was really going on anymore with my Wife. I think this where the two of us emotionally, physically fell apart. Her Jealousy got the worst of it and she didn’t understand that I had to be so close to my clients to earn money. I was working as a PC technician. After working hours I had a business selling Load Wallets to Small Mobile Reload Centers and I had my Mini Recording Studio / Rehearsal Studio. So I ended really busy, I only had time for my Kids…Thanks God. Which paid-off because I really felt they really love me so much more than there Mom. So one night she didn’t come home. And that was the beginning of mistrust. I was on the other hand in a not getting laid anymore sort of guy. (sorry for the term) Angry, Frustrated and Felt I was a Loser for a husband. So in short we both had doubts for each other. Until I resorted to find someone else. I had 3 girlfriends at that time which I wasn’t proud of anymore because I hurt them making them my bounce-off for my frustrated marriage. So I decided to go to baguio. I left my Job and Worked as Manager in A Pharmacy and Met Someone who I almost really choose to marry again. And then when My wife new about it she suddenly threatened me not to see the kids anymore. So I went back to Dagupan. This all happened late 2007. I really didn’t know where to start. I resorted to all kinds of faith. My wife started to leave the kids to me. And she only went home at night. I was lost I really didn’t know if I should still comeback to her because I really didn’t felt love. I was afraid, the hardest thing is I didn’t really know what she was doing behind my back and she just keep throwing everything I did back to me. It was all blaming and hurting. So my Mom told me, RYAN be vigilant and pray. Put all your time to your kids and soon she will come to her senses. I should’ve stick to the first part and never expected for her to come to her senses. So I applied for Saudi Arabia, I was set to just help my parents and make my kids life better. So I worked hard. She on the other hand wooed me again. You know it was really my weakness because I really longed for love specially that I was far so I gave her a chance but then I still got side tracked with other girls but I never had a real relationship, I only had chat mates. It’s the biggest amusement here specially if Christ isn’t in your heart you’ll end up chatting at night and it was empty. Didn’t get anything out of it until I was invited to this Tuesday service, at first I was so hesitant. I told myself; “this guys are just happy because they have happy lives†until after two 3 years of if I was right with my counting. My first hump made me fall down so hard. Unexpectedly. My wife cheated infront of me, in the face. What hurts most is she had a relationship with a guy also working here not to far from my place. Just when I thought we were already so OK. So cried, yes I may look tough but I cried for weeks. I surrendered to God but I know I didn’t totally surrender because deep inside me I was angry with her. Because despite my short comings nobody can deny that I was a Good father, I never left them even the devil has given me tempting options to have a false love and money. I never left them. So God gave me a blessing to transfer to a better paying company. I had to come home feb 2012 for just two weeks to have my medical to transfer to this said company. I thought she was sorry but then she only made me feel better but I never felt the repentance and redemption from her. There was no sincerity. I never gave up on her. Even I found evidences that she was still cheating. I think its martyrdom. Nah maybe not. So here I am with my new company. Earning Good thank God. At first she was just happy because I was giving more than I had before. Maybe I spoiled her too much with material things I really wouldn’t know. Until I felt the biggest disconnection because I didn’t really feel she was sorry. She neglected me and so I chatted with the last friend I could think of and she got jealous or so I think. Maybe it was just a scapegoat to overwrite her mistakes and negligence of loving me. A year from now she separated verbally thru phone with me. I still didn’t gave up. I devoted myself for 5 times of 40 day devotion. If you read the Love Dare. I repeated that to her, I courted her one last time. I didn’t make an ultimatum, but I choose to love her despite everything. But what was wrong was, I expected for result.That was my last fall down. I planned to surprise her 2 months ago before coming home to Philippines but Instead I was the one surprised. My Churchmates were really excited for my devotion and my courting. Because despite how far we are to each other I really did everything possible to Show her I still love her. I gave flowers, cakes, I sang for her. Gave her love letters. I don’t care how cheesy I am . I was also planning to introduce her to my new found faith. But you know better that it’s not Man’s labour but God’s work to touch everybodies heart in order for them to know Him. In short I really am halfbaked Christian because my Goal was for myself but not for the Glory of God alone. So I went home to Philippines and my wife didn’t fetch me. What was so hard is she wanted to separated without her parents knowing so she can still play with me. So I told her we really needed to end this before we hurt each other. I saw more evidences and everywhere I go people would tell me she was with someoneelse spending my money in Bars. I didn’t believe half of those until she ended up making my mother cry because despite her leaving the kids with my mom she even had the guts to tell that my kids weren’t being fed well. I told myself it was enough. I backslide hard. I went back to drinking and smoking. 15 days straight my vacation was wasted, if only I have known you when I was there I would have spend more important things thru Christ because I was able to talk to someone who knows him well. The problem was I went home equipped to change my family but instead I was the one caught by the devil. I barely had strength to enjoy the day with my kids because my itinerary was ruined by our separation. No matter how I tried to put my Christian Unconditional Love for my wife, it wasn’t coming back it was succumb by anger and “Pandididiriâ€. I didn’t love her instantly, everytime I saw her I knew she was lying. But I still agreed to be civil with and for our kids. At 1st it was really good because she even told me, We weren’t really married so I was free to go. I was partly happy but then when she saw me spending time with new friends suddenly she went a 360 turn and he went bad again. I saw that she wasn’t really eager to get back together with me. She was again finding another way to take revenge. She tried to ruin me thru -banned site-, thru my relatives and High school friends. I forgot to tell you when I started to know Christ I let go all of our band friends. Because unlike in manila the bands there Record and Labored to reach something. That was lacking in Dagupan, they never continued the thing we started. They were only for Dagupan and in Dagupan only. Drinking, Partying… I didn’t want my kids to end up like that. So I just went back to my high school friends. But they were really few as in just maybe 2. I went to have a reunion with my band minus my guitar player who died last year. I tried to put things together because I knew I didn’t have anything left to be with. I forgot I got Christ. 5 days left to go back I was spending time with a friend she thought was a girlfriend of mine. I got the chance to spend my last money to charity better yet to charity than drinking again. I stopped the drinking after 15 days straight because I wasn’t getting drunk no matter what I did. So when I went back my Kids got sick and there you have it. She had the greatest excuse to have the kids. Im partly happy that now she is taking care of them but I’m afraid my kids wouldn’t end up like the way they were being taught by my parents because sad to say my Ex-wife still kept the friends she swore she would let go. I can’t do anything anymore because I’m far from them. I don’t have the right to take them because they weren’t under my surname and everytime I decide I will just endup being arrogant. She won’t listen to me anymore. She has the choice because we are separated. I don’t want relationships anymore, I don’t want any of it I just want to surrender and Go straight. But I don’t know where to start. Everyday I feel like im a bomb ready to explode. Because I’ve nothing to comeback to. And I don’t want to go back to her. I just want to save my kids from her. I hope you understand me. You see how messed up I am now. I can’t start sulking because I’m working. I barely talk to my kids now due to lack of money to buy load and my wife doesnt update me anymore about my kids. I really dont know what to do because i feel like ive been dump in trash bin with nowhere to go
Hey everyone! Let's lift up 
Let's lift up 
Let's lift up 
Remember to pray for healing for 
