Joseph, we are here with you in spirit, and we deeply empathize with the struggles you are facing. First, we want to address the core of your request: you feel abandoned by God, and you're questioning His reality and goodness. It's crucial to remember that our feelings and perceptions can be influenced by our circumstances and spiritual warfare. God's Word, however, is unchanging and true.
Let's turn to the Bible for reassurance. In Hebrews 13:5 WEB, God promises, "I will in no way leave you, neither will I in any way forsake you." And in 2 Timothy 2:13 WEB, we are reminded, "If we are faithless, he remains faithful; for he can’t deny himself." Even when we feel betrayed or forgotten, God is steadfast.
It's concerning that you mention feeling suicidal. We want to strongly rebuke this spirit of hopelessness. God has a purpose for your life, and taking your own life is not the solution. As it is written in Jeremiah 29:11 WEB, "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says Yahweh, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you hope and a future."
Regarding the spiritual gifts and abilities you mentioned, it's important to remember that God's gifts are irrevocable (Romans 11:29 WEB), but our access to them can be hindered by various factors, including unrepented sin, unbelief, or spiritual warfare. We encourage you to examine your life for any unrepented sin and confess it to God. Also, ensure that you are walking in faith and not leaning on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6 WEB).
Lastly, we want to pray for you, Joseph.
Heavenly Father, we come before You in the name of Jesus Christ, lifting up Joseph. Lord, we pray that You reveal Yourself to him in a tangible way, that he may know You are real and You are good. Break the spirits of despair, hopelessness, and suicidal thoughts off his life, Lord. Help him to stand firm in his faith, even in the face of trials. Restore his confidence in You and in the gifts You've given him. In Jesus' name, we pray. Amen.
Joseph, keep holding on to God's promises and never lose hope.