Let's lift up Smilee for complete healing post-surgery. "By His wounds you have been healed." (1 Pet 2:24) Trust God's strength. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil 4:13) Praying for swift recovery & return to work in Jesus' name! 
I love sex the way God created it to be. I love what sex says about our Creator and our marriage covenant. I love sex with my husband. But there are things I hate about sex. Specifically…
How Much Satan Distorts Sex
While raising my sons, I often told them: “Satan can’t create anything. He can only distort what God created.” And boy, has Satan done that with sex!
God intended sex to nurture and express intimacy between husband and wife, but Satan uses sex to promote false versions of intimacy. From premarital sex to serial partners to erotica to pornography and more, he sets people up to believe that you can have the feelings of intimacy without commitment, personal growth, and mutual submission.
I experienced it myself when I engaged in premarital promiscuity. I longed for the acceptance and affection of a man, and I got it—after I had sex with him. But it was counterfeit. It lasted for a short time and left me feeling as empty as, or even emptier than, before.
Perhaps you’ve known a phony version of intimacy. It might be that porn actress that seemed to accept you just as you are, or that one-night stand that made you feel desirable, or that emotional affair you’re carrying on in a chat room or on social media that no one else knows about. But you know. You know it’s not what you really want. It’s a distortion of what God designed.
And I hate that Satan has taken what God intended to be good and twisted it into something that hurts God’s children so much.
What I Hate About Sex: "I hate that Satan has taken what God intended to be good and twisted it into something that hurts God's children so much."
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How Much the Church Has Gotten Wrong About Sex
The number of times someone has told me how the Church messed up their view of sex is staggering. I still believe the Church has not been as bad as the world in this regard, but given that we should be So Much Better, our failures stand out like neon signs warning folks we’re not trustworthy.
Our infractions range from bad messaging to enabling sexual abuse, and while I certainly don’t equate the extremes, we have, as the scripture says, fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). As believers, we have the truth about sex. We should know what it’s supposed to look like.
And yet, I get messages from women who were told that submission requires putting up with sexual oppression by their husbands, from spouses who were sexually assaulted or harassed by church members, from individuals who are struggling to move beyond shame dumped on them as part of Purity Culture, and from couples advised by pastors or Christian counselors that no sex in a marriage isn’t a problem. While the Church has done better in recent years, we have a long, long way to go to get the topic of sex right.
I hate that the Church has messed up so much, because it means we’ve messed up people. And in sinning against them, we have sinned against God (see Psalm 51) and undermined the Gospel. How many have left our fold or not come in at all because we didn’t honor God’s children regarding their sexuality and desire for true intimacy?
How Some Use Sex as a Weapon
God planted in us a deep longing for intimacy, and one way that can be experienced is through sex according to His design. But that longing also makes us vulnerable in a broken world to becoming a predator or a victim. While sexual assault, childhood molestation, and harassment can easily be identified as falling into that paradigm—and dear God, I ache for those who’ve been through that—sex is weaponized in many other contexts as well.
Withholders may avoid sex to punish their spouse for real-but-small or perceived slights or to barter for what they want in other areas of marriage. They may enjoy the control it gives them over the whole marriage to be the gatekeeper of all sexual contact.*
Pursuers may avoid other intimate activities unless they get the sex they want or demand a certain frequency or particular activities as what they’re “owed” by their mate. They may consider a missed sexual encounter a sin against them and hold a grudge against their spouse.
And then, there are those who claim that marital rape isn’t real; that is, that when you say “I Do,” you’re agreeing to any sexual encounter your spouse wants, when they want it, where they want it, how they want it. That attitude weaponizes sex against a fellow child of God who was also given free will.
Worst of all, too many spouses use Scripture to justify their weaponization of sex. As I’ve said before, the Bible is not your bludgeon (3 More Principles Christians Should Affirm About Sex). Please don’t pull a verse out of context, cite it to your spouse, and attempt to use it as a pressure tactic to get what you want. As I noted in that same post:
Yes, I hate sex being weaponized against others and how much we’ve accepted and even promoted such weaponization.
*Note: There are good reasons for not wanting sex in marriage. You can find more about that in 7 Reasons You Don’t Want Sex and other posts on my site.
How We Compartmentalize It
I hate how we compartmentalize sex. Both the secular world and the Church have too often treated sex like this side gig we’ve got going on that doesn’t impact the rest of our selves. You can find both pornographers and professing Christians who convey that sex is just a physical act and/or what goes on between consenting adults should have few boundaries. That is not what God created sex to be! Nor is that our experience when you take an honest look at the fallout of that perspective. We instinctively know sex means more.
Christians have also diminished the importance of our sexuality by calling it sin or only preaching about the sin side of sex. Through Church history, many viewed sex as an act of the flesh with the idea that we should be pursuing acts of the Spirit instead (despite that not being what God’s Word teaches). And then, there’s simply our discomfort of bringing God into our sex life; we say we want Him in our life, but not in our bedroom.
One of the points I often make when I’m speaking is that many spiritual aspects of ourselves are expressed through these bodies God gave us. In Matthew 25:31–46, Jesus praises those who feed the hungry, clothe the stranger, or visit the sick or imprisoned. How are those not physical acts that express a godly heart? And Jesus Himself healed through His words and His hands. What the Bible teaches is that we must not be overcome by sinful fleshly desires, but that we must integrate our bodies with pure hearts, renewed minds, and spirit-filled souls.
But we keep compartmentalizing sex and missing out on what God had in mind.
The Sex I Love
Obviously, I don’t hate sex. But I do hate how it’s been misused in so many ways, and I hate the injury that has done to so many hearts and souls. I wish every one of you was experiencing the kind of sex God designed for us to have.
Of course, I don’t think anyone achieves perfection in the sexual arena. No matter how holy and healthy your sexual intimacy with your spouse, we’ll still have challenges because this world is broken. However, many challenges can be overcome, and sex in marriage can thrive. But ONLY if we pursue the one-flesh sex God created.
Let’s hate what our Creator hates and love what He loves.
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