S
smith_ulysses@yahoo.com
Guest
I want to be honest cause I know I must get help and let this go and put this in the Lords hand and will for I see he is the one in complete control and I want to be free of this all once and for all, the frist thing is my desire to want to finally become a independent responsible full grown man in every way espically with my finances,choices,desires,future,the way I am and to get on my own and support myself I need to get my own place and get my own space and give my parents theirs back espically so I may be in control over my home to serve and seek the lord in great ways without distraction since my family does everything else mostly but seek after the lord even with prayer and fasting and bible reading I do hope and pray they can and will change soon whether Im still living with them or move because I dont want to make no excuse to go after the Lord in all ways I can I feel thats way too difficult being under a roof where everyone else dont want that but I pray they will soon I still need to move through, next I want to share quick that I hope and want to enter in a breakthrough and a personal revival if its such a thing I want to really literally turn all to God with all my heart soul and life and want to obey and love him more than anyone and anything from now on always I want peace with this I just want to get to the place to just do it and live it to become it I know its been put on my at least years ago that my time and season Im in ever since is for me to draw and give my all to God to find closeness to him more than anyone else as I have been lonely for a long time and I finally accept that and want to do that as everyone and everything else has failed me and come up short or whatever and I cannot take it no more and want to trust that God wont be like that and will be there for me and I know that I just need to see what I need to do to finally get that and live that way and completely that way really I want to be so true and hot for God no matter if I have to have nothing in my house but a radio to play worship songs and books and nothing to distract me like a tv or computer or whatever can keep me from spending more and more time with the lord espically when I get my own place I want to finally do what I been call to do for the time Im in and thats put all my time focus attention and energy in seeking trusting drawing near and putting God 1st if that sounds right, And last I want to share and get advice and prayer on something/someone and this may be sort of long but this has really been a burden on me and bothering me but I have this friend for about 5 years who I hope is truly my friend thats whats been bothering me well I know I am her friend and want to be her friend and want her to be mine she really has not done any wrong its just since she moved away for now to go to school Its like we friends but we dont get to see or talk to each other much if at all she says she is too busy and in a way I understand and dont want to be selfish about it but sometimes I feel if I am her friend and im important to her she would find a way to make time for me or send email or letter in the mail it makes me feel so inadequate or unimportant espically when I seem to always send emails and cards and letters and text messages and even went out of my way to go visit her a few times I feel like I giving and I want the friendship and well in a way it may be more so because the feelings I have for her and like her very much and hope to when we are ready to have a relationship together but still Im trying just to be a friend to her and get to really know her but Im just left out I dont want to say she doesnt want to be my friend she has proven many times she does care about me and is there for me I feel she can give more time even once a while to talk to me or even send a letter in the mail I just think im not that important to her and it hurts I dont want to sound selfish or possessive I now she must live her life and be focus on what she must do I guess as the male It must be that way sort of or something I dont know and thats what is bothering me I want to know if that the way it is or it will change later when she is done with school and move back here or I am just being insensitive and selfish and even too worried about being her friend too much because its at the wrong time believe me I care for her and love her so much and try to trust she is my friend I guess I wish I knew how she thinks of me and sees me in her life or maybe this the way God intended it while we both grow in our life I do think sometimes if I did have that closer friendship with her I would fail or not be the best I could be toward her in the current position I am in even through I have a job and Im going back to school I wasted so much time in the past accomplishing nothing to grow and also mature in my life I dont even have a car or have my own place as you know already and I must get things in line for myself and my future so maybe God sees that and thats why its the way it is between me and her for our good because our friendship may be in a mess in the position I am in now so God trying to save and keep that from happening so when all is well in my life and hers we can be close one day I just wish I could get it confirm by her that she does want to be my friend and be in my life and want me to be in her life I guess I got to have faith and trust God cause I really do want her in my life but now I want to come to terms that for now I must let go and give her space and time and also do what I must do for my life so If that is to happen I hope and pray she dont start feeling or thinking like I have that Im not her friend just because she does not hear from me in awhile or even a long time from now I guess sometimes it has to show like the saying goes you dont know what you got till its one or even absence make the heart grow founder so if she really is my friend and care about me and want me in her life that will show when she has not heard from me in a long time and I am not trying to be harsh or wrong or anything I just want to make sure she is not another one of the so called friends I used to have or one of those people that say they are your friend but do nothing to show or prove it and then when you do something they turn on you I want to make sure she is a real an true friend and I can trust her at the same time one way or another I will still pray for and about her and still so care and kindness and compassion to her and still show love to her always but till the time is right she must in a way show her friendship toward me sooner or later you know at least by instead of me being the only one to always call text email send cards and letters in the mail that she will start donig so to me unexpectedly so I can see she really do want to be my friend.....anyway I hope that was not very long I had to share that and bring it to light I thank you so much and im glad and grateful for you listening praying and also for the advice god bless you I'll hear from you soon I hope!!