Three Months Later... Still Stumbling

I spent the last 3 months trying to discern God's will for me. Along the way, I was given small blessings & breakthroughs, but I also suffered fierce attacks. Human advice was contradictory, and at times the Word I meditated over confused me. Sometimes, I was compelled to “stand,†and other times I was encouraged to move on.

No, we were never formally married, and that has brought a lot of judgement on me.
We were engaged, in a 5-year common-law marriage honored in our state. We referred to each other as "husband" and "wife," and I was convicted to pursue our reconciliation all the same.

After a very discouraging week, I'm still on a stumbling path, still trying to find my way... This has been a roller coaster; a physical, emotional, and spiritual tug of war.

I am overwhelmed with so much confusion & frustration… I have so many questions:
• Am I creating a battle between my free will & God's will?
• Is all of this a result of my denial/failure to see the truth?
• Has God turned away from me because of my own sin? Is he too angry to provide?
• Could it be that the devil is playing tricks on my emotions? Is the devil trying to fill me with sadness & doubt to lead me away from victory?
• Is what I am praying for something that was meant to be and am I supposed to keep fighting?
• Or, is this a clear “NO†and I’m being redirected to someone/something else?
• Why did He teach me what it means to “stand�
• Why was I led to restoration ministries?
• Why was I taught about & compelled to pray hedges and combat spiritual warfare?
• Why was I stirred awake practically every night for Midnight Warfare?
• Why did I receive so many positive signs, messages, and breakthroughs?
• Why didn’t God just keep the door firmly shut & keep him away from me from the beginning?
• Why was I led to fast again & again, even though it was excruciatingly painful?
• Why did it weigh so heavily in my heart to decline the attorney from going to court?
• What was the purpose or intention out of all of this?
• I wanted to SAVE him... But, can he ever be rescued from this wayward path?

I feel like a failure. I feel like I have been preaching false hope...
• How do I pray?
• What do I pray for now?

It is written: "God will instruct me and teach me in the way I should go. He will guide me with His eye." (Psalm 32:8)
So, I: "Pray that the LORD will tell us where we should go and what we should do." (Jeremiah 42:3)

I pray for ALL who seek God's wisdom & guidance, that they will be blessed to hear God's voice & be able to walk with him. I pray for peace & healing of hearts, for strength, patience and understanding along the journey.

I pray for renewed hope... In Jesus' name, Amen.

 

[ARHicks]

I've been doing it for almost 2 years and I still have the same problem. I'm little better, but just stop looking so hard. I choice to stand because I believe god when he said all things r possible through God. Prayer is the answer, but don't be like me I made standing my life, and never lived. I'm starting to now but I pray that you find ur way

 

[Mariposa101]

I agree wholeheartedly that that prayer is the only answer! Yes, somethings are impossible for man alone, but with God nothing is impossible! HE who created Heaven & Earth, HE who brought Jesus back from the dead... HE can do anything.





Scripture says, "The mind of man makes his plans, but the Lord directs his paths." Although we all were given free will, our heart decisions can overcome them if guided by God in our hearts. It is written that "The kings heart is in the hands of God; like the streams in a river, he turns it whichever direction he chooses." And, our God is God of His covenants; there is no promise he will not fulfill... I stand on the promises he gave to me. That is the hope I cling to.





But, more than overcoming the heart-break and desire to restore this relationship, I pray even more that the one I love is saved. He is on a reckless & and sinful path... I am praying for his salvation & God's direction for his life. The enemy has a strong foothold on him and has put wicked people in his life. I pray that God breaks all strongholds & shatters all destructive relationships between us. "If anyone sees his brother committing a sin not leading to death, he shall ask and God will for him give life to those who commit sin not leading to death." So, although I am so tired and so worn out, I am compelled to keep doing spiritual warfare on his behalf... Unconditional love is what is expected of us, after all.






Thankfully, God has blessed me with earthly support from good people, with genuine hearts, overwhelming kindness, and sincere intentions. Although this relationship/marriage has been an overwhelming battle, I feel TRULY loved & blessed to have God-given friends and family. They have and continue to provide emotional help & healthy distractions when my enemies are attacking the hardest. They don't want me to isolate myself from "life," so I am trying to honor them & God by spending time in the fellowship of those that care as often as possible, especially my parents & brothers.




I will continue to stand… I will continue to stay determined & hopeful that God will change my situation around, for my good & for His glory.


In the meantime, I am trying to show gratitude for the other blessings God has put in my life each day.






Thank you, Lord, for providing. In Jesus' name, Amen.

 

[raven28690]

Wow mariposa.

So much you said and mentioned hits very close to home as the feelings you mentioned that you have and are going thru, as well as the questions you have and have asked, I have experienced.

My wife is on the same reckless and sinful path and yes the constant battle does drain you both mentally and physically. However the roller coaster ride of emotions is taxing enough on its own.

The breakthrough's are not there at all for me though so its makes my stand all that more difficult.

Things just seem to go from bad to worse and Im already struggling to go another day much less another mile. Since December, I have lost 34 pounds.

It seems when Im around friends and family Im constantly having to put on a fake smile and a front to hide what Im really feeling. Honestly though I don't know what I feel as there are so many emotions going thru me at the same time. Guess the biggest emotion I have going on now is a numbness and it is not a good feeling at all.

The harder I try and stand, the harder and further my wife pushes away.

I thank God for my family and friends as well as Gods grace, mercy, and love as those things are what gets me from day to day but it just feels as though those days are getting longer and longer.