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Enthymeros
Disciple of Prayer
Thank you for this avenue. My name is Roseline. Currently, I feel like I've become an apostate. Heart hardened. Feeling condemned by scriptures. Having evil thoughts that are catching me by surprise. And feeling very suicidal Feeling cut off from God. Feeling like no more opportunity for me to make heaven again. Like I'm confined to hell. This is very very scary I've had some demonic dreams which ended up scaring me. And leaving me in a state of panic/fear/condemnation Back in 2014, I had a nervous breakdown. I didn't know it was a nervous breakdown then, all I know is prior to that time, I started having a lot of condemnation and then the intrusive thoughts started coming and I could not fight it. I could not pray. I became very fearful and kept it to myself until one night I couldn't hold it anymore, I woke up in the middle of the night screaming ... It was as if the holy spirit left me I wasn't myself.... My parents were as confused as I was. I was taken here and there I became more stable, but I still felt that the holy spirit was gone. I thought and thought of where I got it wrong... I was just condemned on all of my thoughts. I tried praying, but it felt like I was just talking to myself I knew something was terribly wrong with me I tried talking with some christians then, but they were t really getting me as I wasn't making any much sense I was being plagued by thoughts that I was going to die any time soon or lose my mind, or get hit by a car I was in a church program in 2015, the preacher preached, and I listened... Then he shared a true life testimony about how God's love availed for a man who was at a dying moment. Somehow, my faith latched on, that if God could have mercy on that man, me too I'll lay hold on his mercy Before I knew it, in the days to come, I started loving the scriptures again and praying... I now had a new understanding of the scriptures and I had joy It was like I became born again , again But I still lived in fear, though I was still walking in obedience to God outwardly I had fear in my heart Though somehow, with prayers and the word I was able to get them down I met my husband 2015 ending And in 2016 Ending we got married. Around the time of our wedding, I'll admit even though we didn't engage in premarital sex, we were quite intimate.... I felt remorse about this , I prayed to God to forgive me. But weeks to the wedding I started feeling panic all over again, similar to how the first attack began. Then fear played it's part as my dad was having dreams of dead people, I was scared and almost had another breakdown. On the wedding day , I didn't want to get out of bed, I was under severe panic and eventually, I was taken to the hospital on the wedding day and treated for malaria After the wedding, I was still battling this symptoms, and so I spoke with the pastor of the church that I attend, and with time, I was able to be strong in God again But I kept having recurrent attacks over the course of our marriage, depression, panic and I kept praying and studying God's word. Condemnation When I got pregnant with my first child, it was tough. I thought I was going to die, the intrusive thoughts were daily... I didn't really understand what was happening But I kept praying I eventually had my daughter 2017ending Still I continued to struggle with attacks in my mind , it was jumping from one issue to the other At a time I struggled with bitterness and anger I kept praying and studying for God's direction as it was causing me to be depressed But in 2020 I had another breakdown, It was very serious I was taken to the hospital but later referred to Neuropsychiatric hospital and I was diagnosed with a major depressive disorder All these events were very traumatic Yet, I felt cut off from God yet again The intrusive thoughts were looming I felt there's surely no way of getting out this time I was still on medications but i continued searching online for christian help to these things Finally I had a mini breakthrough And I ran with it The light came on again But this time, the struggle was much, I was fighting one battle in my mind after another There are times I feel like something wanted me to accept a though pattern and I'll cry and pray and study in that area So. From one battle to another It was like I was living under a cloud I got tired but was still able to hold on to God until very recently, I struggled so much with bitterness and anger and I couldn't get over it even though I knew it was wrong and prayed and studied Recently, I felt cut off yet again, this time, the intrusive thoughts are worse, telling me there's no way out this time, I've exhausted all the grace available to me. I feel battle weary and already felt condemned to hell I have been very suicidal. Cos it's like it's either I end it now or continue to live in misery I feel like those the bible call apostate I tried praying but can't even do it. I tried studying the Bible but seem condemned by it. I total shut down. Couldn't go to work , take care of my children , etc. Just there. Earlier, each time I tried to fight these thoughts I'll encounter massive attacks that'll leave me running back in fear Currently, I have never felt so cut off from God. I feel my heart is so hardened and I can't repent for all my sins again. I don't just know what to do, I feel something is binding my heart, I don't feel joy, I don't enjoy anything again... And something in me is being thrilled about evil. I try to dissociate myself... I keep being tempted daily to end it. My husband is saying I am allowing the devil to torment me. It's not like I want him to, but just that the only person I could run to from help feels cut off from me and I feel like I'm damned. Please , is there a chance that there is any hope for me. I am ashamed. I haven't left the house in a week plus, seem to be tormented in my sleep. I always wake up around 2 or 3 with wrong thoughts that leave me feeling like running away or killing myself cos how can I claim to be a Christian yet my thoughts are not okay 247. I don't feel like a Christian anymore. I need help I've been here since July beginning In this state And it appears to be getting worse. The only prayer I've been muttering is God help me But then the thoughts are telling me otherwise That I'm just wasting my time. I just feel tired And like I failed and disappointed God The thoughts sometimes tell me to renounce God. And I'll just shake my head Yes I am. I am always watching encouraging videos online cos if I drop my phone the thoughts will start again No love in my heart again. It's like I am running on empty. Im not even running again I feel all these are happening though because of the condemnation of being cut off from God. Please pray that God will restore my mental health and give me grace to find faith in him again. Amen. Thanks in anticipation
