Poralm
Disciple of Prayer
I am a believer and follower of Jesus Christ. I accepted Jesus as my Lord & Savior when I was in highschool. Back then, I was so sure I wanted to follow Jesus for the rest of my life and to live for Him wherever He has placed me. Having had depressive tendencies and a deeply-rooted shame with a hyper awareness of how I fall short of the glory and holiness of God, I thought that the salvation and sanctification of God meant that while I am waiting to see Him face to face in heaven, he will teach me to live in away where I sin less and become set free from depression and anxiety. My faith was so simple, yet it gave me the courage to cling on to Jesus, even when it felt as if I was losing touch of reality and the world around me. There were times when I felt so alone, I wanted to disappear, especially during those times I had to struggle with navigating the reality of the world outside of church and the reality of church wounds and interdenominational conflict. To add to the struggle, life circumstances led me in and out of the Catholic community and of different Evangelical & Pentecostal circles. when I felt stable, things were smooth-sailing. But when I felt lost, it felt like I had no one to turn to who would not question my messy theological background or provide quick answers and Christian platitudes. Until now, I feel like I am constantly in hiding from my own Christian sisters & brothers, censoring my own words and my sense of identity for fear of offending or confusing others. I feel so stuck. I thought being in ministry might make things clearer but it just highlighted the insecurities that I already had, because I would face a mix of youth who were either so trusting of whatever I had to say and those who were already cynical about the inconsistencies they have experienced in the church. I know that God is sovereign and that if He is whom he says he is, he will turn things around for His glory and for the good of those who love him. But right now, I just feel like I am at the end of myself. I do not know how or what to pray. I do not know that to tell God except that I am tired. I know that some issues are beyond me, like the reality that this world is so fragmented (in a spiritual and practical sense) and that even the Church is facing some challenges coming to terms with the very human experiences related to this. Sometimes, I wish that the pain of noticing all this and not being able to do anything were not so heavy for me. I wish I could turn a blind eye and rest on textbook answers for why the world is experiencing such brokenness. But as someone who has met God across the different fragments, to do that would mean to erase significant parts of my history with God and who I am. That would mean denying how God has revealed himself to me. I don't know what to pray for anymore. Please help pray for me, for God's people, and for this world. And I pray that as you pray, may God's Holy Spirit give you wisdom and may God cover you and your family and all your household with his mighty hand. In Jesus' name.