Q&A with J: “I’m a Fast Finisher” – Premature Ejaculation

A husband wrote me about premature ejaculation, and as I began to answer his email, I realized I hadn’t written about this before and should! He began by saying that he and his wife have a great sex life, but…

I am an extremely fast finisher. I tend to finish well within one minute of penetration. I am usually ready for a second round within another few minutes, however those only ever last a couple of minutes maximum as well. This is something my dear wife and I have talked about before and she has always reassured me that this is of no bother to her, and I have always made it a point to be sure that she is “satisfied” by the end of any sexual encounter. She has mentioned to me before a desire to orgasm via penetration (she thinks this may be possible for her) however I am never able to last long enough to even think about making this happen for her. Is there anything I can do to overcome this and try to provide that experience for her?

J Answers​

First up, I want to high-five this husband on his attentiveness as a lover, which his wife clearly appreciates. I was reminded yet again, as I attended and spoke at an event this weekend hosted by the Intimate Covenant podcast, that the primary purpose of sexual intimacy is connection (See What Are the Real Purposes of Sex?). Pleasure certainly serves that higher purpose, but even if sex isn’t everything that we want it to be physically, it can still be amazing emotionally, relationally, and even spiritually.

While working on this or any other issue, be sure to treasure the intimacy of sex as you’ve experienced it with your beloved.

Now on to the question…

What you describe is known, of course, as premature ejaculation (PE). Many experts simply say that PE is finishing sooner than desired, but WebMD gets more specific in saying that PE is when “you have an orgasm before intercourse or less than a minute after you start.” They also add that 30-40% of men experience it as some point, so it’s a common issue. If it’s occasional, then it can be overlooked.

But you want to address the ongoing fast finishes you’re having. And there are ways to do that, from techniques to medications/creams to other aids.

Pause-Squeeze Technique​

First introduced by sex researchers Masters & Johnson, this common technique is prescribed to men experiencing premature ejaculation.

When you feel ready to ejaculate, stop and squeeze the frenulum of your penis, where the head meets the shaft (see diagram below), with your thumb and forefinger … or ask your wife to do it. Hold that squeeze for several seconds until you no longer need to climax then resume thrusting. Repeat as needed.



Over time, you may be able to delay ejaculation without that squeeze.

Stop-Start Technique​

Another option is at that ready-to-come moment, simply stop all sexual activity. Freeze in place, so to speak, until that eagerness to climax subsides. Then begin activity again. Do this as often as wanted until you’re ready to finish.

Often referred to as “edging,” some suggest practicing this technique with solo masturbation first. I don’t think that’s necessary; rather, you and your wife can work together to practice this until you feel more confident that you can last longer.

Kegels for Men​

Kegels are simply exercises to strengthen your pelvic floor. Doctors often recommend Kegels to women, but they’re good for men as well. In addition to helping a man gain more control over ejaculation, this practice can increase bladder control, which—sorry to tell you—otherwise decreases with aging.

First, find the pelvic floor muscles by stopping urination halfway through or imagining that you’re trying to stop passing gas. The muscles you tense for either of those should be the right ones. Now lie on your back, tighten those muscles slowly through the count to 5, then release slowly for that same 5 count, and repeat 10 times each day.

Condoms​

Condoms tend to decrease sensitivity somewhat, which can help a husband last longer. There are even condoms specifically made with this purpose in mind, such as Trojan Extended Pleasure and Durex Performax Intense. These work by adding lubricant with benzocaine that also reduces nerve sensitivity in your penis. Which brings me to…

Numbing Agents​

You can skip the condom if you want and simply put a numbing gel directly on your penis to reduce sensitivity. Some options include K-Y’s Don’t Stop Duration Gel for Him and Promescent Climax Control Spray.


You may want to test this out on a small area of yourself and your wife first, because a few folks experience irritation with numbing gels.

SSRIs​

It’s not widely understood why, but SSRIs usually prescribed for depression or anxiety can help to delay ejaculation as well. You might recognize some of the brand names of these drugs, such as Paxil, Lexapro, Celexa, Zoloft, and Prozac. Mayo Clinic says that the most effective of these is Paxil, but what works for each individual varies.


If other approaches don’t work as you’d like, you may wish to talk to your doctor about this option. He or she could also suggest pain relievers that have shown promise in treating premature ejaculation, but as these drugs can be addictive, I don’t feel comfortable recommending them here. You can take that up with a qualified physician.

Sex Positions​

Some positions may cause you to ejaculate quicker and some slower. For instance, wife on top allows her to take more control of the thrusting and even use the pause-squeeze or stop-start techniques. She may also want to try rocking more than thrusting motions.


But there are many options. You can try out various positions yourself, check out my chapter on sex positions in Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design for ideas, or check out Christian Friendly Sex Positions, which has a category titled “80+ Amazing Sex Positions That Help Him Last Longer.” (Interestingly enough, the first position featured is the one I named: The Dragonfly. ~grin~)

Penis Ring​

A penis ring works by trapping blood flow in the penis to make an erection harder. Some suggest that such rings also delay ejaculation by pressing on the urethra, and others say it makes no difference for climax control. Since I obviously cannot test this out, I don’t have an opinion on whether it works. But for the low price of a set of rings, like these from Married Dance, it might be worth a shot.

Finishing Up​

Well, it’s definitely taken more than a minute for you to read this post, so I think I should wrap it up. Basically, you have a bunch of alternatives here to try and see what works, if anything.


But if you and your wife are both happy with your sex life, don’t add anxiety about this issue to the bedroom. That anxiety might even make it more difficult to breathe, settle in, and gain more control of your climax’s timing. Plus, you’ll be missing the best part of sex: being connected.


I wish you the best in your journey to longer lasting sex in the moment, but far more so in long-lasting intimacy between you and your lovely wife.



Related post: Rapid Ejaculation – The Marriage Bed


Disclosure of Material Connection: This post includes one or more affiliate links, meaning if you click on the link and purchase an item, I receive an affiliate commission at no additional cost to you.

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[DeaconKrause]

May the Lord help those who have this problem.

 

[Yrseland]

Try more work out with your personal tool like massage, pushing in opposite direction. tickling, masturbate once in a day will surely help you dear. All the very best