Aparchologeo
Prayer Warrior
i know i have come here with requests many times, i apologize to all my siblings in Christ Jesus for not giving and being withdrawn- only coming here for help. i am sorry. please believe me when i say, i have had to deal with an evil caged energy, that of a wounded animal turned so cold that it has a hold on it's heart- my mother. i am so tired of being not believed, but i am also so tired of being angry. i am not. but i am. i have been dealt such an injustice that i now have to- not only remove on my own- but also walk away from on my own. i know my Lord has been there with me every step, nudging me forward when i made the choice to see- but i am only human. i am adult that still cannot shake the helpless feeling of a child, because that was the role i needed to play- that i choice to play, not just out of survival, but also out of desperately wanting my mother's love- so i got it in anyway i could, by releasing all control to her. it kept me comfortable in insanity, and nothing much more.-- love is supposed to be easy, love is supposed to be kind, i know that now. but still my brain regresses- and now i am trapped energetically once again, and i hate myself. but i do not hate myself enough to actually fight my way back to what i was, so i stay regressed and miserable. 7 steps forward, 11 steps back. please. i know i should pray for something more specific, but i do not know. just give me clarity. light a fire under me, and make me so uncomfortable, that i have no choice *but* to move forward. if that is what it takes. thank you for thinking of me. she makes me feel so lost and like i am nothing, when i know that my natural form is that of self-expression- please return me to that. thank you again for praying and prying into my personal heartaches.