Anonymous
Beloved of All
Yesterday was my birthday and I'm quickly approaching the time where I'll be let go out into the world on my own. But as I met with my friends yesterday, I realized that I've actually been growing and maturing. I used to struggle with relentless depression and I still have anxiety, and I overthink a lot. I struggled deeply with my self worth and I'm used to either being the baby or the eldest of any group all my life and it was really a struggle. Even now I discover new struggles - I have ADHD and PMS, and undoubtedly my emotions are almost constantly everywhere. I'm impulsive, disorganized and distractable, and even before I knew I had ADHD, I've always wondered what my impulsivity would mean for my future. I dreaded growing up, in fear that I'd get addicted to some drugs or alcohol or something, drop out of school, live on the streets... and admittedly, I still wonder that. And whenever my impulsivity turned to double-mindedness, the future seemed especially scary. When I was depressed, I thought killing myself was the way to avoid the future. But now that I've been growing in God, I know the future isn't to be avoided - it's full of hardships that will give experience, and people who need God now more than ever who need to hear that he loves them, who would never hear it if I was gone. I know now that I have a purpose, and I'm not dreading the future as much as I used to. I can feel myself recovering, and it's thanks to the loving people around me and the brilliant songs God allowed me to hear that all brought me closer to God. Now I'm going back into school, and I'm a little nervous. I have to sit through some big government exams this year and next year, and it's as if the enemy turned up my impulsivity, emotions and procrastination dials up to 11. It feels a lot harder to get myself to sit down and focus on my work, and I especially can't let my emotions get the better of me this year. But this year will be different. Instead of getting overwhelmed by everything and wanting to end my life, I'm going to remember to turn to God in prayer and ask him to help me focus. It won't always be easy to remember to do that with things like mood swings and especially the double-mindedness, but I can do anything through Christ who gives me strength. If I could mostly overcome my depression, I can get over any hurdle that comes my way, through my Lord and Saviour, the Maker of everything, the best friend I could ever ask for. And I'm extremely grateful that I've finally realized that after so many years. I'm thanking God for it all, that my maturity has finally become evident and I want to pray that I continue growing in him and don't turn my back. P.S. I joined this website on a day when I was on a very low day in terms of my emotions, and some prayers I saw on here really inspired me. If anyone like that is reading this, I want to let you know that God's not mad at you, he's forgiven you, and he loves you very much. If you are struggling with your emotions and need help, pray and ask God to find someone in your life who can help you. Jesus thought you worth it when he died on the cross, so don't let anyone tell you you're not worth anything. Jesus loves you and so do I, God bless you all