Ryokoryu
Disciple of Prayer
Ok Coming to a realization over the past few days that I have an issue I have slipped into without knowing I was headed there. Some background will help in how I got here and the feelings I am dealing with. Strap in because it is gonna be a bit long. I came to Christ early and though hiccups in faith and my walk have come in the Lord has always guided me through them effectively. I have seen his work in my life and the fact I am alive is proof of his divine gifts as I died twice as a baby due to medical issues which the treatment for was experimental and i was one of if not the first child born with my medical complications and the Doctors don't know how I came back because it wasn't them that revived me. When going into church as a small child it never felt like learning something new because I already knew, I was saved at the early age of 7 and not like peer pressure saved because I was in that environment but because I already knew it to be true. Early on I knew abstinence before marriage was gonna be the way I would live. I had a few opportunities from ladies very tempting in beauty but I held firm as every offer of intimacy until my 1 Ex-GF was offers of one-night-stand type flings and I had my commitment. Didn't have a GF til 31 because every interested lady until then only wanted casual flings and I had been content in this. My relationship with her (she was also committed to abstinence and looking for a Christ-centered relationship at the time) was when I learned the difference between happy and content as I had been mistaking contentment for happiness to this point. I did fall for her absolutely and hard and at first it was going really well until her Dad tried to convince me to convince her to listen to him and obey him. Keep in mind she is an adult and the things he wanted her to obey him on were on-sensical things like he wanted her to be blond so he would try to make her go blond and her natural hair color is black/dark brown. He would try to tell her that it was what God wanted her to do because insert nonsensical excuse about how black was the color of evil so her black hair was evil. Another example was he wouldn't let her go to the doctor when she had a bad cough for a month because it was too expensive and he didn't have the money (until I offered to take her and pay for it). after I refused to use my influence to tell her to do these things and obey him he started constantly telling her all the things that proved I wasn't a real believer. This continued for a few months and over those few months he made it harder and harder for her to see me until on Valentines day he demanded we cut our date short because her sister was in the hospital. This takes some explaining also as her sister being in the hospital was a monthly occurrence because of chronic medical problems that were non-emergency in nature. we went and he offered to get us all Subway and on the way down he said "ya know, cops should be allowed to punish you when they arrest you instead of having a trial so criminals can get away with everything" with him knowing I and my Dad had lost our house to crooked police. I should have recognized the bait but I am someone that loves to debate so I took it hook line and sinker. The next day I felt the lord was telling me something was wrong with her so I tried to call her but she didn't answer. the next day which was also Sunday as had become normal we took them to Church as they had no car and the whole time she was really cold at me and wouldn't talk to me. After we took them home she said she wanted to talk to me and that's when she told me God told her she couldn't be with me because and started telling me all the things her Dad had been accusing me of over the last 3 months. The reason I want all this detail in is not to put judgement on her Dad or her but to help with understanding where my feelings were at at this point and where they are now. I put my trust in God I let myself feel what I was feeling and I didn't try to bury the feelings but the last time I heard anything from the Lord like I had before was the day before she broke up with me and I have continued to press towards him believing that the silence is no indication of him not being with me but an indication that he has a plan and I just can't see it yet. As time went on I have had 0 reciprocation of interest from women and the pain of the breakup has only gotten deeper and I have gotten lonelier. at some point I am not entirely sure when it got to the point where I have consistently felt like dying and it is only faith in knowing it would not end the pain and that God would bring me through it that gave me the strength not to follow through on it. More recently I have come to the realization that some time over the last year I crossed another threshold. I didn't even realize I was headed there or I would have sought prayer and help sooner but I have arrived at a point that I am not ready for death if it comes. The issue is not that I don't believe in Christ or his sacrifice but rather that I know that if I die today I won't want to go into eternity. Let me be clear I don't want the other option a lot more but I want to find the wife and have the children I feel I am supposed to have and this is a very dangerous place to be. I want to want better but I can't shake the want of that and I have tried. The ironic part of this is I want these things in alignment with God and through Christ but even if God wants me to have the things I want I cannot receive them in my current emotional state I find myself in. Let me be clear about something else also. I honestly am in the place where I feel if it is God's will that I remain single and childless for the rest of my life I still say let his will be done and may it bring glory to his name, I just don't want to move on and would not be able to move on if I were to die now. So even if I get no eternity in paradise and end up damned I woudl rather it be so than to be against his will. I just don't feel as of right now I would find victory personally there. I don't want to be here in this way, especially since in this way even if my wants and god's desires align again I know I am not in a place where I an ready to recieve those blessings. I ask for Prayer to help me get to where I need to be and I am trying to go to scripture for help but it is thus far not working or helping. I can only assume that God has my best outcome in his design and love for me, and if scripture alone is not helping then I have to thing I should turn to the Body of Christ which is all of you for help. Maybe resources exist within that are already what I need to help and God just needs me to seek it. Maybe prayer en-masse will be what i need or maybe I am already on my way through and God has already put into motion the things I need to help. Either way more prayer can't hurt
Lori Ann, thank you for praying! Let's keep lifting up 
Hello everyone! Let's lift up 
