Hello, Bali ka Bakra, I'm praying for you and I'm sorry you are feeling so tortured. God loves you, but Satan doesn't want you to know that. Like mmagruder said: "We have all been there." My old life was full of drinking, clubs, parties, unsavory people, places, and things. Even then, God loved me and when I came to him crying and repenting he comforted me. I'm glad I didn't die before I accepted my Heavenly fathers word into my heart.
It doesn't feel like it at the moment, but God's word confirms his love. Just pray and read the Bible. There is no peace and comfort like the word and instruction of God. Reading his word and praying for wisdom is the only way to resist the enemy, which is the devil.
John 14:18 (KJV)
I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.