Let's lift up 
Let's lift up 
Anonymous!
Disciple of Prayer
Oh God,
Hear my prayer. I have been dealing with what to think of you and your work. If you really were a just and kind, loving God, everything would be different.
I have had to accept that I am not Job, or anyone whom you actually love, but instead am Esau. For Jacob have you loved, and Esau have you hated. You said that. Those were your words. You despised Esau before he was even born, as you have me. You smite and sneer at me, while heaping blessings unto those who crush and destroy me. Not despite what they have done, for that would make me no different than any other. And not to prove anything to anyone, for that would make me no different than Job. But BECAUSE of their lying, scheming, and deceiving of me.
I get to hear from others how much I deserved it, because clearly that's the only option. And it's not possible that I would only deserve half the blame, but I can only deserve ALL of it, right? I'm such a despicable person, right? (Even though I haven't tried to go out of my way to hurt others.) I haven't experienced the pleasures of the world, and have only went out of my way to please others, even though they would always turn out to be horrible people who enjoyed taking advantage of me. But you were always there to make sure I knew it could only ever be MY fault, every time. Inserting people I would trust who could only find fault in ME, while the other person was always seen as blameless, like Jesus. So I always thought everything was my fault, when it wasn't. And by EVERYONE. Which says something too.
If that was the case, then wouldn't it have just been better to make sure I was never born in the first place? Why couldn't you have just put me in the body of an aborted fetus instead? At least then your blessings would make more sense. People could be blessed for being good and just people, not because they deceive and hurt and steal from others. Yet you heap glory and rewards on them for what they have done giving them everything they could have ever asked for and more, and stomp me into the ground so deep, I am broken and beaten bleeding from the ground, barely strong enough to ask, with all my strength, in a whisper, why? And your response is to sneer, turning your head away from me while going to them pleasantly smiling and saying "Keep doing this and more will come." So they do. And it does. Why wouldn't they, right? If that was what it took to have every blessing and more, who wouldn't, right? And if I was never born, then it wouldn't matter that I ask for such outrageous things like being included, not being bullied, or used, or thrown out like trash. Or even raped. But I was the one to blame for all of that, right? I was the selfish one giving my trust to the wrong people you put in, right? I'm the bad guy, right? How dare I have the audacity to want what everyone else gets, or to be considered a person instead of a number, or an object?! Why wasn't I more considerate of them, and the horrible position I put THEM in, right?
It would be one thing if I really was the horrible scum of the earth you and everyone else you put in my life claim me to be. If that were the case, I really have no one to blame but myself. But isn't that a better reason to prevent my birth in the first place? Then the "innocent" people of this earth never would have been contaminated by my awful presence! You hated me before I was born, and was never there for me except to blame me for everything. You would even make sure I wouldn't find out I wasn't to blame until after it was way too late. Then who learns the lesson? I don't learn anything, as I finally realize I was never in the wrong at all. And they don't because YOU WERE TOO BUSY REWARDING THEM FOR IT! And so they never got to realize they were wrong, and instead believe even more firmly they were right. Great job.
It would be another situation if I was Job. While it would be hard and painful, as much as I would not like it, I could more easily accept it than as this. That I am Esau. That I am not loved. And I haven't even sold my birthright. (Or if I did, I either didn't mean it, wasn't aware of it, or don't remember it.) But that's not the important part, right? They deceived and hurt me, so that's the reason to heap on the blessings, while pounding out the punishments on me in their place. At least you were consistent. I will never doubt your hatred of me. You were the one who made sure of that.
And even if I were to say you love me, it is only like that of Esau, and not of Jacob, or even Job. I am nothing to you, or so much less that your love for me is hatred compared to your love for them. That is why the people who hurt me reap on the rewards beyond their wildest dreams, get to have abundances, descendants, and eventually nations that will serve you because they have you to thank for. Loving them for their cruelty and stealing blessings from others. While you ensure I am alone, barren, and eventually wiped from the face of the earth. I am Edom. Searching and desperately trying to obtain a blessing that will never come, only to perish and be utterly destroyed.
The thing is, I do regret listening to you. I chose to go to a church during college, following your will. It is now one of my biggest regrets. If I could go back in time, with everything I know now, I would never have even visited that church and joined a sorority instead. Why did you place me in THAT church, which would exclude me and blame me for "not being close to them" when they were the ones who made sure of that in the first place?! Why didn't you put me in one that would have given me a chance instead? Even a sorority would have been a better experience, and if not, then I wouldn't have doubted you, and had good reason to trust you more. Isn't that a better outcome instead?
I wish you killed me, so I wouldn't have to deal with any of this anymore. I wish I was dead, except that would kill my family. Everyone else will get over it in a week or two. I wish I wasn't born, so whatever horrible crime I've committed, the world is spared from it. I wish I was happy. I wish many things. But most of all, I wish you loved me.
Hear my prayer. I have been dealing with what to think of you and your work. If you really were a just and kind, loving God, everything would be different.
I have had to accept that I am not Job, or anyone whom you actually love, but instead am Esau. For Jacob have you loved, and Esau have you hated. You said that. Those were your words. You despised Esau before he was even born, as you have me. You smite and sneer at me, while heaping blessings unto those who crush and destroy me. Not despite what they have done, for that would make me no different than any other. And not to prove anything to anyone, for that would make me no different than Job. But BECAUSE of their lying, scheming, and deceiving of me.
I get to hear from others how much I deserved it, because clearly that's the only option. And it's not possible that I would only deserve half the blame, but I can only deserve ALL of it, right? I'm such a despicable person, right? (Even though I haven't tried to go out of my way to hurt others.) I haven't experienced the pleasures of the world, and have only went out of my way to please others, even though they would always turn out to be horrible people who enjoyed taking advantage of me. But you were always there to make sure I knew it could only ever be MY fault, every time. Inserting people I would trust who could only find fault in ME, while the other person was always seen as blameless, like Jesus. So I always thought everything was my fault, when it wasn't. And by EVERYONE. Which says something too.
If that was the case, then wouldn't it have just been better to make sure I was never born in the first place? Why couldn't you have just put me in the body of an aborted fetus instead? At least then your blessings would make more sense. People could be blessed for being good and just people, not because they deceive and hurt and steal from others. Yet you heap glory and rewards on them for what they have done giving them everything they could have ever asked for and more, and stomp me into the ground so deep, I am broken and beaten bleeding from the ground, barely strong enough to ask, with all my strength, in a whisper, why? And your response is to sneer, turning your head away from me while going to them pleasantly smiling and saying "Keep doing this and more will come." So they do. And it does. Why wouldn't they, right? If that was what it took to have every blessing and more, who wouldn't, right? And if I was never born, then it wouldn't matter that I ask for such outrageous things like being included, not being bullied, or used, or thrown out like trash. Or even raped. But I was the one to blame for all of that, right? I was the selfish one giving my trust to the wrong people you put in, right? I'm the bad guy, right? How dare I have the audacity to want what everyone else gets, or to be considered a person instead of a number, or an object?! Why wasn't I more considerate of them, and the horrible position I put THEM in, right?
It would be one thing if I really was the horrible scum of the earth you and everyone else you put in my life claim me to be. If that were the case, I really have no one to blame but myself. But isn't that a better reason to prevent my birth in the first place? Then the "innocent" people of this earth never would have been contaminated by my awful presence! You hated me before I was born, and was never there for me except to blame me for everything. You would even make sure I wouldn't find out I wasn't to blame until after it was way too late. Then who learns the lesson? I don't learn anything, as I finally realize I was never in the wrong at all. And they don't because YOU WERE TOO BUSY REWARDING THEM FOR IT! And so they never got to realize they were wrong, and instead believe even more firmly they were right. Great job.
It would be another situation if I was Job. While it would be hard and painful, as much as I would not like it, I could more easily accept it than as this. That I am Esau. That I am not loved. And I haven't even sold my birthright. (Or if I did, I either didn't mean it, wasn't aware of it, or don't remember it.) But that's not the important part, right? They deceived and hurt me, so that's the reason to heap on the blessings, while pounding out the punishments on me in their place. At least you were consistent. I will never doubt your hatred of me. You were the one who made sure of that.
And even if I were to say you love me, it is only like that of Esau, and not of Jacob, or even Job. I am nothing to you, or so much less that your love for me is hatred compared to your love for them. That is why the people who hurt me reap on the rewards beyond their wildest dreams, get to have abundances, descendants, and eventually nations that will serve you because they have you to thank for. Loving them for their cruelty and stealing blessings from others. While you ensure I am alone, barren, and eventually wiped from the face of the earth. I am Edom. Searching and desperately trying to obtain a blessing that will never come, only to perish and be utterly destroyed.
The thing is, I do regret listening to you. I chose to go to a church during college, following your will. It is now one of my biggest regrets. If I could go back in time, with everything I know now, I would never have even visited that church and joined a sorority instead. Why did you place me in THAT church, which would exclude me and blame me for "not being close to them" when they were the ones who made sure of that in the first place?! Why didn't you put me in one that would have given me a chance instead? Even a sorority would have been a better experience, and if not, then I wouldn't have doubted you, and had good reason to trust you more. Isn't that a better outcome instead?
I wish you killed me, so I wouldn't have to deal with any of this anymore. I wish I was dead, except that would kill my family. Everyone else will get over it in a week or two. I wish I wasn't born, so whatever horrible crime I've committed, the world is spared from it. I wish I was happy. I wish many things. But most of all, I wish you loved me.
