Let's echo SwaatthiSmilee's "Amen"! Trust God's continued healing: "He gives strength to the weary" (Isa 40:29). Praying for complete recovery & smooth physiotherapy. "I am the LORD, who heals you" (Ex 15:26). In Jesus' name! 
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️ In Jesus' Name!
My husband and I haven't been getting along lately. We are always in disagreement. I say something he says something to argue. Then I try to make a point. Then his point is better than my point. Then I think to myself why are we even arguing about this? This has nothing to do with why we are angry!
I am angry because I got married to have a partner. Someone to take care of me! Someone to build a family with. We have been together 7 years and the first 3 we were so in love, I am not saying that we are not now, but we sure are further apart than we ever have been.
Our separation started after the second deployment. Communication was gone. Actually it started during deployment. The phone calls...I started to feel like I was looking for things to talk about. I started to almost feel like it was a burden to even answer the calls. The silence was deadly. He probably felt that. It made me resent him. It made me feel like I was the only one that cared because I was the one putting in all of the effort to talk. I don't know if he was just embarrassed because the call center over there wasn't private. I don't know. He could have talked about anything. He could have told me what he wanted to do when he got home! His hopes dreams anything. He could have told me his favorite color. Which I know is red. Which is the color of blood! Which brings me to the second point.
Since he has been back he has not been the same. He looks at life as death. He post ridiculous stuff on -banned site- about death and war. Nothing is a sign of hope anymore for him. He is in a dark place. I am trying to build this awesome relationship with God and it seems like he is going backwards and falling away from God. That also causes resentment. I want a good life. I want to build a life but I am LEARNING non of this is possible without the Lord. Having negativity surrounding me constantly is making it hard. We have 2 beautiful kids together. Which brings me to my next point.
I have been caring for my children since the day they were born. I have had lots of support from my husband's family during deployment. They are the one constant in my life. My resentment, PERIOD!!!!!! is causing me to be impatient, hurtful, and just plain mean. Jack he is a difficult red-head. He is stubborn as a mule. He is also so smart. He had this twinkle in his eyes that is kind. He can't express kindness though. He would rather be mean. He would rather shoot guns and play video games. It makes me so mad. But this is something they do together. Even when I try to hug him he will say or do something mean. Like it feels weird. When he was little that is all I did was hug and kiss and love him. I would tell him how smart he is and anything to make him feel special. I started noticing a change in him when his Dad came home and when I started going into a dark place. Ava is our daughter and she is beautiful. She has milky white skin and blond white hair. Like an angel. She is left handed which made it hard for me to teach her to write. She is silly. Man she can find some goofy things to say. She sure has a temper too.
His job. Oh his job. I know he is doing his best to find work. I know he is a hard worker. I grew up with a family that worked their behinds off. They all had trades. My dad was a welder, my uncles did concrete, roofing, metal building and so on. I remember as a child I would say I am going to marry someone like my Dad. He built our house from the ground up basically on his own and with the help of his family. When I met Tom I assumed I was going to get a man that did that. I mean he was in the military. He talked about building a house and furniture and stuff. After years of living with him I figured out he can't even build a bookshelf out of a box. I asked him to put a bar in my closet because ours broke. It still hasn't been done. But he wanted the basement walls painted and well guess what is painted? YES the basement walls. Today he out scoping public land to hunt in 2 months.
He wants me to go out and get a job so I do. It is never something I want to do. I just do it so I don't have to hear him say WELL IF YOU HAD A JOB! What????if I had a job I could go to work and come home and take care of the kids and cook and clean and argue about school work? So now out of his resentment he will clean on his days off. Which he has 4 days off one week and 3 days off the next. What is he complaining about? All he has to do is workout and clean on his days off. Oh yeah and hold down the couch.
Which leads me next to his eating habits!!!! He waste food by making stupid stuff. He never thinks about meals. He only thinks about that moment of laziness when he doesn't actually want to cook anything. Then when he eats there is actually no point in him eating because he can't possibly taste the food. It goes straight to the throat and 3 bites later it is gone. I know that is military trained but WOW! Then he takes the 1/2 cup of crumbs on his shirt and swooshes them to the floor. How annoying! Yeah I am suppose to feel like cleaning after all my work is disrespected.
Some may read this and ask????? Why are you married to him? There isn't anything right in your eyes? Well the answer to that is.... this is a blog. I am writing it down so I can go back and read it so I can realize that non of this is actually my husbands problem. It is mine. These are the things I have nit picked about for the past 3 or 4 years. These are the things I wanted to change about him. Sure there are some things that need to be addressed but through prayer I believe the Lord will help US. There are plenty of things that we have that keep us together. Like the fact that we both are clowns. We have such senses of humor.
I wrote this blog to vent my frustrations. So people who didn't know could help. People who don't pick sides. People who don't tell me I am right. I don't want to be right. I just wanted to vent. I wanted to release these feeling so I could move forward. Forward. Forward!
I am releasing!
I am angry because I got married to have a partner. Someone to take care of me! Someone to build a family with. We have been together 7 years and the first 3 we were so in love, I am not saying that we are not now, but we sure are further apart than we ever have been.
Our separation started after the second deployment. Communication was gone. Actually it started during deployment. The phone calls...I started to feel like I was looking for things to talk about. I started to almost feel like it was a burden to even answer the calls. The silence was deadly. He probably felt that. It made me resent him. It made me feel like I was the only one that cared because I was the one putting in all of the effort to talk. I don't know if he was just embarrassed because the call center over there wasn't private. I don't know. He could have talked about anything. He could have told me what he wanted to do when he got home! His hopes dreams anything. He could have told me his favorite color. Which I know is red. Which is the color of blood! Which brings me to the second point.
Since he has been back he has not been the same. He looks at life as death. He post ridiculous stuff on -banned site- about death and war. Nothing is a sign of hope anymore for him. He is in a dark place. I am trying to build this awesome relationship with God and it seems like he is going backwards and falling away from God. That also causes resentment. I want a good life. I want to build a life but I am LEARNING non of this is possible without the Lord. Having negativity surrounding me constantly is making it hard. We have 2 beautiful kids together. Which brings me to my next point.
I have been caring for my children since the day they were born. I have had lots of support from my husband's family during deployment. They are the one constant in my life. My resentment, PERIOD!!!!!! is causing me to be impatient, hurtful, and just plain mean. Jack he is a difficult red-head. He is stubborn as a mule. He is also so smart. He had this twinkle in his eyes that is kind. He can't express kindness though. He would rather be mean. He would rather shoot guns and play video games. It makes me so mad. But this is something they do together. Even when I try to hug him he will say or do something mean. Like it feels weird. When he was little that is all I did was hug and kiss and love him. I would tell him how smart he is and anything to make him feel special. I started noticing a change in him when his Dad came home and when I started going into a dark place. Ava is our daughter and she is beautiful. She has milky white skin and blond white hair. Like an angel. She is left handed which made it hard for me to teach her to write. She is silly. Man she can find some goofy things to say. She sure has a temper too.
His job. Oh his job. I know he is doing his best to find work. I know he is a hard worker. I grew up with a family that worked their behinds off. They all had trades. My dad was a welder, my uncles did concrete, roofing, metal building and so on. I remember as a child I would say I am going to marry someone like my Dad. He built our house from the ground up basically on his own and with the help of his family. When I met Tom I assumed I was going to get a man that did that. I mean he was in the military. He talked about building a house and furniture and stuff. After years of living with him I figured out he can't even build a bookshelf out of a box. I asked him to put a bar in my closet because ours broke. It still hasn't been done. But he wanted the basement walls painted and well guess what is painted? YES the basement walls. Today he out scoping public land to hunt in 2 months.
He wants me to go out and get a job so I do. It is never something I want to do. I just do it so I don't have to hear him say WELL IF YOU HAD A JOB! What????if I had a job I could go to work and come home and take care of the kids and cook and clean and argue about school work? So now out of his resentment he will clean on his days off. Which he has 4 days off one week and 3 days off the next. What is he complaining about? All he has to do is workout and clean on his days off. Oh yeah and hold down the couch.
Which leads me next to his eating habits!!!! He waste food by making stupid stuff. He never thinks about meals. He only thinks about that moment of laziness when he doesn't actually want to cook anything. Then when he eats there is actually no point in him eating because he can't possibly taste the food. It goes straight to the throat and 3 bites later it is gone. I know that is military trained but WOW! Then he takes the 1/2 cup of crumbs on his shirt and swooshes them to the floor. How annoying! Yeah I am suppose to feel like cleaning after all my work is disrespected.
Some may read this and ask????? Why are you married to him? There isn't anything right in your eyes? Well the answer to that is.... this is a blog. I am writing it down so I can go back and read it so I can realize that non of this is actually my husbands problem. It is mine. These are the things I have nit picked about for the past 3 or 4 years. These are the things I wanted to change about him. Sure there are some things that need to be addressed but through prayer I believe the Lord will help US. There are plenty of things that we have that keep us together. Like the fact that we both are clowns. We have such senses of humor.
I wrote this blog to vent my frustrations. So people who didn't know could help. People who don't pick sides. People who don't tell me I am right. I don't want to be right. I just wanted to vent. I wanted to release these feeling so I could move forward. Forward. Forward!
I am releasing!
