My Heavy Heart

[Member-3742142]

I've been struggling with depression now for over a year after the break up with my ex of 5 years. I believed and prayed that God had finally sent my husband. We had our challenges; nevertheless we were in church together every Sunday. We wanted to have a child, went to all the doctors visits together but we knew it was going to be some issues due to the leukemia I had as a teenager. We didn’t have the money to invest in fertility so we kind of just put it on the back burner. Now a year later, separated from the love of my life, I've since moved out of Mt.Vernon, into a new apartment, returned to school to pursue a degree I've always wanted. God has blessed me with a car, my job of 5 years that I thought I would lose due to my depression. I attempted suicide after the birth of his daughter in April (3 days after my birthday) ended up in NYP Hospital for a week and a half. I never prayed too much and so hard. Vowed I would never EVER do that again. I stayed away from him for a while but after 2 months I reached out and got in contact with him. I thought I was fine with just being friends. After all we didn’t talk to each other everyday or every week for that matter, but I thought about him everyday and all day. I pray and pray and pray some more. I get the kids, go to 2 churches (I joined Greater last year but since I had moved and had no car went back to my old church in Scarsdale with my Mother). I began to do the lecture reading at my old church and really enjoy and thirst for the word. People seem to really enjoy my reading and I must say I love and am very honored for the responsibility. The Pastor has even spoken to me about taking his Deaconess class and I am really considering it, but now here's the thing. On the outside I'm coming along just fine. I can uplift, encourage, quote scripture and put a smile on my face that would convince anyone that I am saved, sanctified, and filled with the Holy Ghost, but there is the one thing that eats at my heart, my spirit and just won’t quit....I STILL LOVE THIS MAN. My praying sisters are all slowly withdrawing from me because we all have issues or something we are dealing with in our lives and well the truth is they are tired of me talking about the same thing over and over again. Pastor Moore said on Sunday that we aught to stop focusing on our issues and start looking forward to the future and the good things God has in store for us. But what do you do when inside you feel empty? What do you do when inside, you cant see a future for yourself? What do you do when all you think about is how the very thing you Prayed for and believed for seemed to slip right through your fingers and landed in someone else’s hands? My friend said to me last night that all she hears me saying is I and that I should read why God threw Lucifer out of heaven....I did and I was up all night crying out because I NEVER EVER WANT TO BELIEVE I AM BIGGER THAN GOD, I DONT HAVE PRIDE (SO I THINK), I DONT WANT TO TAKE THINGS INTO MY OWN HANDS...I JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS. I READ, I PRAY, I AM TRYING TO TRUST IN HIM, BUT FOR THE MOST PART I FEEL LOST. I SURROUND MYSELF WITH BELIEVERS, I BOWL, I PLAY SOFTBALL, I WORK FULL TIME, I AM LOOKING FOR A PART TIME, I SIGNED UP TO BE A MENTOR WITH THE YOUTH BUREAU AND BIG BROTHERS N BIG SISTERS....BUT TO BE HONEST EVEN THOUGH ALL THOSE THINGS MAKE ME FEEL GOOD, I AM STILL HURT. TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS I HAVE BEEN HURT FOR A VERY VERY LONG TIME. I DONT WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE HURT PEOPLE THAT HURT PEOPLE. EVEN IF GOD DOES BLESS ME WITH THE DESIRES OF MY HEART I DONT WANT TO RUIN IT....I NEED HELP! WHAT AM I TO DO? YOUR SISTER IN CHRIST.

 

[Articles]

May God hear your request and grant it according to his will. In Jesus Name, Amen.

 

[The Encourager]

I have asked God in Jesus’ name to honor your prayer request.

Let’s Pray... God I ask in Jesus’ name, "Bless Me! Encourage Me! Supply all my need! Lead, guide, and direct my footsteps. Bless me with the desires of my heart that is the will of God for my life. Bless me with peace, excellent health, protection from all evil, much joy and happiness. God most importantly bless me with a real, true, undying love for You and the ways of God. May I come to Know You, Love You, and Honor You with my life.

Let the peace of God and the freshness of the Holy Spirit rest in my thoughts, rule in my dreams, and conquer all my fears. Jesus manifests Yourself to me and in me in ways that I have never experienced. Let my God given dreams become reality and my prayers be answered. Let my faith enter a new height in You. God all that I have asked of You in this prayer, do the same for all those I love, care about, and the one who wrote this prayer. In Jesus’ name I pray.â€

Encourager Linda Flagg, LM, CS,

Christian Life Coach & Youth Minister

 

[SOFIE]

Dear Lord, there are times in our lives when something bothers us so much that we cannot seem to get unstuck. Many of us have been there and we can understand our sister. So Father, we pray that You heal our dear sister. That you heal her of the pain that she has gone through. We pray that You gently turn her around so that she no longer looks at past hurt and that past hurt does not make her fear to take on the future that You have in store for her and all the blessings You will be sending her. That her eyes now look to the present and the future. That You Lord heal and protect this sister. That You give her new hope, and new dreams and new vision. May the past be gone and may the future be abundantly blessed. Father, please also help her to succeed in all she does. This experience has made her stronger, wiser and a better counsellor working for You Lord. Please Lord honour, comfort, heal and bless our sister. May You grant the desires of her heart and keep her and bless her. Amen.