H
hopelessin2013
Guest
My father in law came to live w/ us in January after his long term girlfriend had only days to live from lung cancer. He didn’t have anywhere else to go, so we said he could stay with us until he was able to find something on his own. He has gambled and squandered all of his retirement and lottery winnings (10K). My husband had an uneasy feeling about him moving in with us because he knows how his father is. I have not known him except for a few hours at our wedding 2.5 years ago. This man is a very toxic human being. Very negative and hateful to everyone and everything, basically a complete JERK. When he would go into the diner where he used to live, people would actually get up and leave their breakfast just to avoid him. He yells, screams and cusses (always taking the Lord’s name in vain just about every other sentence). We were set to have him move back to his home state this past weekend and would give him $200 to help him with his bills as he is only on SS. But March 2nd he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer that spread to his brain. He has went through radiation treatment on his brain and will go through chemo in about a month.
While I am trying very hard to have compassion for him, it is very difficult. He is wearing out his welcome very quickly with my husband and has completely worn it out with me. It is just the 2 of us here and we are trying to take care of him and help him. But he is not making it easy. He cusses at us, my husband says that’s just him and now he is entering an angry stage and it just means that he likes you. I don’t buy that. I am not here to be someone’s punching bag when I opened my home to him. I should not have to listen to someone literally cuss me out for saying GOOD MORNING or do you want me to let your dogs out.
My husband is doing everything he can to make his father happy and comfortable while he is still alive. But when he is not around, his father can get up, walk around and do things for himself, but when my husband is around, he can’t do anything for himself. He claims that he falls several times a day forcing my husband to leave work and go home to take care of him, now that he is working full time again with radiation treatments over. I have suggested hospice or someone else come in while we’re at work but he has 2 Chihuahua’s and they are just like him, mean and hateful and won’t let anyone near him w/o barking and nipping. I then suggested putting them in a cage until we got home but my husband thought that too was a stupid idea, because how would they get to go outside to use the bathroom? My next suggestion was that he stay home on FLMA for the 12 weeks and we live off of just my pay, which we would have to make drastic sacrifices, cut the satellite, no eating out, his father’s dog would need to eat dog food and not people food, etc…. but that too was NOT an option. My final suggestion was that he would then need to be put in a facility that someone could take care of him 24/7 since again while my husband is there he cannot do anything for himself, yet while I’m there, he has no problems getting up and down and around. Again that is not an option. I am out of suggestions. But yet my husband says he doesn’t know what to do, but knows that he can’t keep going on like this.
We are both completely miserable and held hostage in our home. We are snapping at each other. I can’t do or say anything right in my husband’s eyes and he can’t do anything to please his father.
I do admire him for attempting to care for this man, that at the end of January, I was told by my husband (39) that this is the most he has been around his father is entire life. This man who abused both him and his brother and was NEVER EVER there for them growing up, but expects everything from them monetarily and emotionally, even before he found out he was sick.
I/we need peace in our house, with each other (as this is severely straining our marriage) and in our hearts. I cannot stress enough how very toxic this man is to be around. I grew up in a home where we didn’t really yell at each other let alone call someone an “eff*** C**t†to their face, telling them to shove stuff up their a** or threatening them. My husband says he doesn’t need any more stress and I know this (as our lawn mower has died and we have 5 acres of yard to mow, which I will do with the push mower) so I haven’t told him all of this because his response would be “he’s entering an angry stage†and my response to that is that he was like this before hand and I have had 4 people in my life (my mom, granny, step mom and aunt) who have had cancer – 2 of them I lived with and none of them EVER acted like this towards anyone.
I have endured so much pain and suffering with my husband’s daughter before and 1 ½ after we were married, that I didn’t think we would get past that. And now to deal with all of this, plus his daughter’s antics. It really is too much.
I am truly at the end of my rope and don’t know what else to do. I have cried out for help, begged and pleaded for some resolution.
While I am trying very hard to have compassion for him, it is very difficult. He is wearing out his welcome very quickly with my husband and has completely worn it out with me. It is just the 2 of us here and we are trying to take care of him and help him. But he is not making it easy. He cusses at us, my husband says that’s just him and now he is entering an angry stage and it just means that he likes you. I don’t buy that. I am not here to be someone’s punching bag when I opened my home to him. I should not have to listen to someone literally cuss me out for saying GOOD MORNING or do you want me to let your dogs out.
My husband is doing everything he can to make his father happy and comfortable while he is still alive. But when he is not around, his father can get up, walk around and do things for himself, but when my husband is around, he can’t do anything for himself. He claims that he falls several times a day forcing my husband to leave work and go home to take care of him, now that he is working full time again with radiation treatments over. I have suggested hospice or someone else come in while we’re at work but he has 2 Chihuahua’s and they are just like him, mean and hateful and won’t let anyone near him w/o barking and nipping. I then suggested putting them in a cage until we got home but my husband thought that too was a stupid idea, because how would they get to go outside to use the bathroom? My next suggestion was that he stay home on FLMA for the 12 weeks and we live off of just my pay, which we would have to make drastic sacrifices, cut the satellite, no eating out, his father’s dog would need to eat dog food and not people food, etc…. but that too was NOT an option. My final suggestion was that he would then need to be put in a facility that someone could take care of him 24/7 since again while my husband is there he cannot do anything for himself, yet while I’m there, he has no problems getting up and down and around. Again that is not an option. I am out of suggestions. But yet my husband says he doesn’t know what to do, but knows that he can’t keep going on like this.
We are both completely miserable and held hostage in our home. We are snapping at each other. I can’t do or say anything right in my husband’s eyes and he can’t do anything to please his father.
I do admire him for attempting to care for this man, that at the end of January, I was told by my husband (39) that this is the most he has been around his father is entire life. This man who abused both him and his brother and was NEVER EVER there for them growing up, but expects everything from them monetarily and emotionally, even before he found out he was sick.
I/we need peace in our house, with each other (as this is severely straining our marriage) and in our hearts. I cannot stress enough how very toxic this man is to be around. I grew up in a home where we didn’t really yell at each other let alone call someone an “eff*** C**t†to their face, telling them to shove stuff up their a** or threatening them. My husband says he doesn’t need any more stress and I know this (as our lawn mower has died and we have 5 acres of yard to mow, which I will do with the push mower) so I haven’t told him all of this because his response would be “he’s entering an angry stage†and my response to that is that he was like this before hand and I have had 4 people in my life (my mom, granny, step mom and aunt) who have had cancer – 2 of them I lived with and none of them EVER acted like this towards anyone.
I have endured so much pain and suffering with my husband’s daughter before and 1 ½ after we were married, that I didn’t think we would get past that. And now to deal with all of this, plus his daughter’s antics. It really is too much.
I am truly at the end of my rope and don’t know what else to do. I have cried out for help, begged and pleaded for some resolution.
