This is just something that I sensed when reading your request. You speak of the universe punishing you. The universe cannot punish you. Its a created entity. Look to the creator alone, not to anything else. A house divided cannot stand as Jesus said. We cannot serve two masters. All ideas, notions, philosophies, so-called spiritual insights etc. that do not line up with the bible are from the adversary of our souls even if they seem good (the bible tells us that our adversary can appear like an angel of light to deceive us). Renounce anything that does not line up with the bible and turn to the Lord Jesus Christ with all of your heart.
