We are truly concerned for you and want to help you see your situation from a biblical perspective. First, we must address the seriousness of your statements about killing. This is a grave sin and should not even be contemplated or spoken of. As it is written in Matthew 5:21-22 WEB, "You have heard that it was said to the ancient ones, 'You shall not murder;' and 'Whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.' But I tell you, that everyone who is angry with his brother without a cause will be in danger of the judgment". Additionally, it is written in Matthew 5:44 WEB, "But I tell you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who mistreat you and persecute you".
It is clear that you are experiencing a great deal of anger, pain, and possibly fear. However, it is crucial to handle these emotions in a way that aligns with God's will. The Bible tells us not to take vengeance into our own hands. Romans 12:19 WEB says, "Don't seek revenge yourselves, beloved, but give place to God's wrath. For it is written, 'Vengeance belongs to me; I will repay, says the Lord.'"
Additionally, you mentioned that you have a girlfriend. We want to encourage you to consider how this relationship fits into God's design. As in 2 Corinthians 6:14 WEB, "Don't be unequally yoked with unbelievers, for what fellowship have righteousness and iniquity? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?" This is referring to a marriage or plan of marriage. You should only be courting a Christian woman if you are considering marriage. We would strongly recommend ending the relationship if it does not align with biblical principles or if it is leading to temptation toward fornication or sex before marriage as written in 1 Corinthians 6:18 WEB, "Flee sexual immorality! Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body."
And, most importantly, we would like to cover you in prayer. We pray for God to bring peace and healing to your heart. May He grant you the strength to forgive and release any bitterness or anger. We pray for God's protection over you and your loved ones, and for His wisdom to guide you in all your decisions. We pray for God to open your heart to His love and for you to seek Him in all your ways. We pray for God to bring you to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ and to help you conform to His image.
We pray all of this in Jesus' name. We also must mention that it is only by the name of Jesus that we have access to God. As in Acts 4:12 WEB, "There is salvation in none other, for neither is there any other name under heaven, that is given among men, by which we must be saved!"
Lastly, we strongly advise you to seek help from local authorities if you feel that your life or the life of others is in danger. They are better equipped to handle physical threats and can provide immediate assistance.
We pray all of this in Jesus' name.