MikeN
Disciple of Prayer
Like Job, God let the devil on me while I was still good. I compare it to Jesus taking a lamb and throwing it into a pen with wolfs who attack it. And while being attacked the lamb looks up at Jesus and cries for help but Jesus turns his back. I feel that happened to me. God eventually removed the devil from attacking Job. But he seemed to forget he put the devil on me. Decades later at age 57 I am now covered with sin from being overwhelmed by God lack of presence in my life despite searching for him. Various times I gave up and my faith concluded perhaps there is no God or he just doesn't care or has already written me off. And when I earnestly try to regain my faith and come back there is still emptiness. My life has been stagnation, loneliness, failure, broken dreams. No friends, no wife, no home of my own, scraping by financially. No matter how hard I try supernatural blocks are placed before me to prevent progress. I'm forced to watch peers from high school gain fruit. I go on facebook and see they are married, have kids, a house, vacation while I'm still stuck behind. I even see generations pass me by as I see my siblings living large. Wonderful life milestones. I watch my brother climb up the ladder in life, marry, have kids, then see his kids graduate, get married, have kids, buy a house. Meanwhile I'm 57 years old and still stuck. I fear I will live this hellacious life only to then die and go to Hell for God seems not to be with me. What gives? Please pray God will restore the years the locust have eaten and end this horror show. Right now my sister is messaging me pictures of her and her family at Disney/Universal. I should be happy for her but every month she takes a vacation someplace wonderful. It's like rubbing salt in my wounds. I haven't left my city in 15 years. I don't have the money to do anything. Jesus promised the abundant life. What about me? Do I get to enjoy life? Meet my soulmate? Have friends? Wonderful life experiences? Is it wrong to pray for happiness, fun, laughter, love? A life? --Mike