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ElijahA
Guest
Let me start off by saying I haven't been actively praying in over a year now. In 2012 I lost my fiance, every childhood pet in my house, I watched my grandmother die of colon cancer, one of my elementary school friends died in a car accident and three others died in Afghanistan. I was kicked out of school, my family went into bankruptcy and I was laid off. It's been the most eventful single year of my life and it's made me grow to the point where I don't recognize who I was a year ago. At the same time, I feel really old, and really worn out. My dream of going to an art school finally came true but too late, I don't know if this is my dream anymore. At the moment I'm stuck in student housing, building up a loan that's going to leave me in debt for ten years and I don't even know if I want to be here. The problem is, if I'm out, I have to pay off my loan right now and my family has no money. Now my oldest and closest friend is leaving for the Army and my mind has suddenly switched back to a realization that's hitting me pretty hard. I was born to be a soldier. I lived and breathed it since I was a child, and I really mean this. I never got to be a child, from elementary school I was composed, thoughtful, helpful, and always put others before myself. In junior high and high school I didn't even date because I knew that those relationships would just weigh me down once I became a soldier. I've gone out and survived in the wilderness for weeks on end with only a day pack worth of food, I've been on over 500 hikes, I've gone through military obstacle courses nearly every month and I've been able to put ten shots within a dime at 200 meters with a .22 since I was nine. I've been gifted with skills and abilities honed through my childhood of solving puzzles, always being aware of my surroundings, deducing solutions from observations and forcing through even the most uncomfortable situations. I feel like I'm either blessed or cursed because I've saved quite a few lives, and seen far too many leave for my age. There's people who say that I've made them who they are, all my best friends tell me that I'm the reason they're still breathing because I love to be the shepherd to those who are lost... I've seen a nine year old hang himself because I didn't do enough. I attract situations like this. I will try to just have a normal day and take a walk to the grocery store, and something will come and find me. I've put a rapist in jail, I've saved abused girls, I've gone out of my way to befriend people who had no friends and it's exhausting. I'm 21 and I feel like I've lived through my own kind of war before I've even seen one. This last year I've tried to be peaceful, loving and feed my artistic side. I've been blessed to be able to do and excel at anything I do, art, writing and music being some of the greatest skills I have. But now I'm back to realizing there may be no escaping my nature. I don't want to serve to kill, or to serve my country, or anything like that. I want to help the guys who are already out there. I can't stand the thought of sitting in a home warm, with a full belly and having fun with family and friends while there are guys being killed at that same moment. I want to do this for them, and to help provide for my family. Honestly I've given up on finding someone to love, even though of all things I think love is my greatest trait. I'm incredibly caring, romantic and thoughtful but I just can't find anyone. If I find someone that's fine but I'd be fine if I was alone the rest of my life. I don't even know what I need prayer for. I'm stuck in life, between so many roads, in the wake of so much and with so much weight on my shoulders I don't know what to do.
