IS COMMITTING SUICIDE BRAVE?
On my first day at the hospital as a medical intern, I happened to be 'duty status' which means that I had to be in the hospital on a 36hours long shift: interviewing and examining patients, doing chart rounds and procedures.
My first rotation was in Pediatrics and it was a hell of a day in the crowded Emergency room with ear shattering wails of disgruntled children added with the frustration of trying to examine them as they just wouldn't stay still.
I began at 7am and the next time I checked my watch, it was already past midnight. I was exhausted. I sat down and looked around and for the first time there were no new patients, just a few nurses who had just arrived for the night shift.
For a moment I wished I could whisk away some of their energy and maybe return it at dawn. Laying my head on the desk, I slept off on that thought.
At 1am I was awoken by the scurrying of a team of first responders bringing in a young lady, unconscious on a stretcher.
I stared at her near lifeless body as she was transferred to one of the empty beds in the ER and noticed she had to be 16 or 17, 18 at most.
She had lacerations on her left wrist and I later found out that she had tried commiting suicide by cutting her wrists and overdosing on acetaminophen.
I was never really able to find out why although her mother said her boyfriend had dumped her a few weeks ago, I felt it had to more than that. After we resuscitated her she opened her eyes and stared at me then smiled. I had never seen anyone so beautiful and wondered how thoughts of death had conquered this being who seemed to have something many others her age didnt. I wanted to ask her why she did it but for seconds my lips didnt move or maybe I was too afraid to know. I had heard news of people that had commited suicide but it was my first time seeing one in person. I heard these people first die in thought many days or weeks or even months before so maybe I couldn't speak because even though she was breathing I wondered if resuscitating her was enough to save her. I looked at the knife wounds on her wrist and for a second I thought she was brave.
People perform stunts everyday by jumping off high buildings or even taking stab wounds and the world calls them brave but when others do these things to escape pain: to die, is it still called bravery. After she had been transferred to a room in the pediatrics ward, I thought a lot about what had just happened.
I realised that when we try to escape from things that hurt us through suicide then we are brave, but only brave enough to accept defeat and too cowardly to keep going. The Bible says in Psalms 23 that 'As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou (God) art with me' and for many years I walked through valleys and I thought I could not make it until I found God. The key in that verse is that we will
not fear or give up because God is with us and Jesus promised in John 14 that he would send another comforter, the Holy spirit and for a long time I had Him but I was still down and depressed because I never asked Him to help.
Our prayers have become so mechanical that it is hardly a conversation with God, we just blab out requests and say amen.
Usually when people are watching us, we put in our extra best and try to be strong but when we are left all alone and in despair, we stop trying which is why most people that end their lives do it when they are all by themselves behind closed doors.
The problem is that most of us think we are alone. Jesus said the Holy spirit will be IN you and WITH you so even if you cant see Him, talk to Him for without faith it is impossible to please God.
Tell God you need strength to go on, tell Him you cant handle the pain any much longer, tell him you want to be brave but not by dying. Tell him and wait to listen. He'll speak to you through His word.
- Kenny
On my first day at the hospital as a medical intern, I happened to be 'duty status' which means that I had to be in the hospital on a 36hours long shift: interviewing and examining patients, doing chart rounds and procedures.
My first rotation was in Pediatrics and it was a hell of a day in the crowded Emergency room with ear shattering wails of disgruntled children added with the frustration of trying to examine them as they just wouldn't stay still.
I began at 7am and the next time I checked my watch, it was already past midnight. I was exhausted. I sat down and looked around and for the first time there were no new patients, just a few nurses who had just arrived for the night shift.
For a moment I wished I could whisk away some of their energy and maybe return it at dawn. Laying my head on the desk, I slept off on that thought.
At 1am I was awoken by the scurrying of a team of first responders bringing in a young lady, unconscious on a stretcher.
I stared at her near lifeless body as she was transferred to one of the empty beds in the ER and noticed she had to be 16 or 17, 18 at most.
She had lacerations on her left wrist and I later found out that she had tried commiting suicide by cutting her wrists and overdosing on acetaminophen.
I was never really able to find out why although her mother said her boyfriend had dumped her a few weeks ago, I felt it had to more than that. After we resuscitated her she opened her eyes and stared at me then smiled. I had never seen anyone so beautiful and wondered how thoughts of death had conquered this being who seemed to have something many others her age didnt. I wanted to ask her why she did it but for seconds my lips didnt move or maybe I was too afraid to know. I had heard news of people that had commited suicide but it was my first time seeing one in person. I heard these people first die in thought many days or weeks or even months before so maybe I couldn't speak because even though she was breathing I wondered if resuscitating her was enough to save her. I looked at the knife wounds on her wrist and for a second I thought she was brave.
People perform stunts everyday by jumping off high buildings or even taking stab wounds and the world calls them brave but when others do these things to escape pain: to die, is it still called bravery. After she had been transferred to a room in the pediatrics ward, I thought a lot about what had just happened.
I realised that when we try to escape from things that hurt us through suicide then we are brave, but only brave enough to accept defeat and too cowardly to keep going. The Bible says in Psalms 23 that 'As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou (God) art with me' and for many years I walked through valleys and I thought I could not make it until I found God. The key in that verse is that we will
not fear or give up because God is with us and Jesus promised in John 14 that he would send another comforter, the Holy spirit and for a long time I had Him but I was still down and depressed because I never asked Him to help.
Our prayers have become so mechanical that it is hardly a conversation with God, we just blab out requests and say amen.
Usually when people are watching us, we put in our extra best and try to be strong but when we are left all alone and in despair, we stop trying which is why most people that end their lives do it when they are all by themselves behind closed doors.
The problem is that most of us think we are alone. Jesus said the Holy spirit will be IN you and WITH you so even if you cant see Him, talk to Him for without faith it is impossible to please God.
Tell God you need strength to go on, tell Him you cant handle the pain any much longer, tell him you want to be brave but not by dying. Tell him and wait to listen. He'll speak to you through His word.
- Kenny
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