MikeN
Disciple of Prayer
In the Bible Daniel's prayer was blocked by Satan, and Michael the angel had to be called in to unblock it. Sounds crazy, right? How could this happen under God's watch but it's in the Bible. By the same token I believe my prayer (coming or going) is blocked. It's been a lifetime of broken dreams, stagnation, loneliness, and supernatual blocks. I'm 58 years old and my health is broken. My body joints, my back ache. My eyesight is going. My gut is not good. And mostly, my energy levels are over exhaustion to the point I can barely get through the day. Furthermore, I only work a min wage job and my rent is half my income. With inflation, gas, groceries, etc, I'm working paycheck to paycheck and not sustaining. My family is Adam's family/Munster's creepy. My father was a narcissist hell bent on making my life miserable. My Mother a sociopath. My siblings cold backstabbing selfish beings who stole money from my Dead father's will, leaving me with nothing. I have no family, no friends, no wife, no house. Yes, the American dream of home ownership, never came. Now, with the housing market, houses at 350,000 on average, I'll never be able to get out of the druggy, convict, infected hole I'm living in. I have no foundation. When temptation comes I am like a house built on sand. This is because I've not seen God ever in my life. I look back and I see betrayal, abandonment, loneliness, no fruit, unanswered prayer, struggle. Life is a drag. A struggle. This life has been a curse not a gift. Much like JOB in the bible while I was still good God let the devil on me. The good shepherd, Jesus, picked me up while I was still an innocent lamb, and threw me to the wolfs. When I cried out to him for help, like Job, he turned his back. Unlike Job, he never took the devil off me in time. I'm still under it at 58. When I think of God I see a world where those who have been cruel to me are blessed. I see a world God created where it's survival of the fittest, animal forced to eat animal to stay alive. I've called God on his promises "Call on me and I will answer", "Knock and the door will be open", so on and so forth, and seen God's word not to be true. Is God a liar? And where is this famous love, mercy, compassion, forgiveness, understanding, I've heard and read so much about? So, when temptation comes, I think, If one part of God's supposed word in the Bible has shown itself repeatedly to be untrue, how then am I supposed to believe in the rest. If the Bible says this is a sin, is it really? And even worse than losing faith in God's existence (which I am), moreso I am losing faith in his goodness should he exist. One of the most important of the 10 commandments says, "Love they God with all they heart". Can God demand love? If one was to adopt a shelter dog that was abused my mankind could you demand that troubled dog loves you? Of course not. You would have to love it. Show it you can be trusted. Play with it. Re-assure it. Get it's tail wagging again. If you were to role up a newspaper and smack it on the nose and say "Bad dog" it would only be counterproductive. I want God to show me his love but he hasn't. We are told to trust in God. Have faith. How can on trust in a being that has continuously ignored him all his life? Jesus said, "My God why have you abandoned me". Yet when I say it to Jesus, I get nothing. I've tried to make positive affirmative hypnosis tapes in order to brainwash myself to believe God is good, but they are just words in the end. I need God's action. How can I trust in a God that has taken a dump on me all my life? I was a beautiful kid. I don't say this to brag, but give credit to God. Didn't have a hateful bone in my body. Let's say after Davinci created his beautiful masterpiece, the Mona Lisa (me), he decided to take a dump on it. Then, later, declare it no good and burn it. I feel God is doing this to me. Inflation, gas, rent, failing health, no companionship. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? Even if I won the lottery today the economy is crashing, banks are failing, WW3 looming, the deep state ruining the world. And when temptation comes I have no foundation to resist. I look back on my life and don't see God, and I look forward and can only see working min wage well into my 80s, 90s. Social security won't be there and even if it was it wouldn't sustain. Never able to retire. Please pray for me if God hears you. He doesn't seem to hear me. And for some reason mine are blocked. Perhaps I can get through with you who read this as my intercessors on my behalf. This life has been a hell dimension. A joyless purgatory. I don't want to do this anymore and haven't for decades. I can't do this anymore. Pray for me that God either fixes my life, or takes it.