Anonymous
Beloved of All
So many things have happened in my life in the past few years, and the pandemic came in a time of many rapid changes in my life. I'm still having trouble coping, and though my relationship with God has grown and gotten better through that time, sometimes life still feels too tough for me, especially since I'm often lonely, even around people who are "friends". Well, they are friends, and they are Christian, but... I don't know. I just feel lonely all the time, and maybe I'm just jealous of all the people around me who have really close friends, but I wish I had someone closer to me who also shared my faith. And there's so much going around me now, with things like school and the new school year and responsibilities piling up and a loved one who's ill and bedridden who I can't be with this summer (she's been bedridden a couple years now and she can't talk well either) and even my birthday... I don't know if I really want to get older. The more I age is the scarier life gets, and the more trials God sends, and the stronger I get in Christ. Theoretically. But I've been getting wiser, and I've been exposed to way too much weight that I don't know if I can bear. I mean, is it God's will for me to bear it? Is it just another trial or am I doing something wrong? During and a bit after the pandemic I was depressed and suicidal, but God saved me and showed me there was another way. Recently, some of those thoughts have returned. I know it's wrong, but it only really happens when the stress starts to get to me and I begin losing sight of God. I do try hard not to lose sight of God, but sometimes... it's my head. The thoughts overwhelm me, I often struggle with addiction (not drug addiction or smoking, but many other forms of addiction that I can't get into right now), I probably have undiagnosed ADHD and undiagnosed PMS and I'm almost never emotionally stable and a lot of the time it all makes me physically sick. Sometimes my head screams to me that it can't take it all anymore, and I have breakdowns, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts... it's such a weird feeling when these things race through your head, not really a headache and not really lightheadedness... something in-between. And so, I cried out to God. And today, for the first time in what felt like a long time, He cleared my head and spoke to me. My head being clear is a rare occasion. And He told me things I should've known as a Christian, yet I easily forget all the time, in the middle of all the madness. And then I stumbled upon this website. So I'm taking the opportunity to map out everything while my head is clear, for whenever my head starts feeling funny again from all the weight I carry and when I can't figure out how to give my burdens to Jesus. Surrendering all to Him is so hard, even when I tell myself than He is all I want and need, then some earthly desires always get in the way. I even got distracted in the middle of writing this. Honestly, I'm not too sure where my life's at. I kind of wish I could see myself from the future and if she knew what to tell me at this point... I might actually be insane. My head kinda feels funny after writing all that. I don't know. I just need someone to pray for me. If anyone bothers to read this...