Onthin
Disciple of Prayer
I feel like my own prayers aren't working i feel alone in the world and with God ive tried to learn ive tried to lean ive tried faith and trust ive tried everything but i am so deep in a alarming and dangerous depression im started to lose my mind which i have already my thoughts are not clear my actions are irate i cry 5 plus times a day the "last" trigger for me was this relationship that i cant seem to let go of and absolutely have no idea why it hurts my feelings so much i experienced domestic violence in a past relationship but this one takes the cake and he never even yelled or hit me i always say i can heal a bruise but i cant just touch my brain and my heart and heal it easily and thats how i feel the mental state im in isnt going away and i have prayed in every which way but it hurts something so different ive never felt the pain before i cant get out of bed i have no energy i grieve a person thats alive but i also grieve for God because i want and need him to be real i put the work in to be closer to him and feel like i failed so i just said i give up on God and the last straw was me just genuinely thanking him for a great day and in the back of my head every time ive thanked him for something good he hit me with something bad like a punishment even though recently i started trying to make sure i thank him on bad days too i feel rejected by God like im not favored i feel lile he doesnt fight my battles or get my revenge i purposely and obsess over doing the right things by people because i wish i had some one like me so no matter what i always treat people right and no one can ever see me as worth anything. Some days i feel suicidal but i feel so selfish and guilty and greedy for ever having that thought as a mother! Im afraid to turn away from God because what if hes real and i just wasnt doing right and i get punished but i feel like i get punished either way i am drowning in sorrow in tears in pain i started depression medicine and i feel crazy but when i think about giving up on God i think well thats what the devil wants you to think but then the pain is so deep and its always been there like i dont belong here like God doesnt think i deserve a happy place. I feel like im alone i get stalked by the other woman ive lost close friends from this woman because she continues to get close to my inner circle i cant open my social media up because shes on everything even when shes blocked i have no peace not even at work. i asked God for forgiveness for anyone i could have hurt or anything ive done wrong i gave it all to God i dont have the words anymore i dont have the prayers i dont have the energy i dont even feel like i have love in my heart i feel like every one took it and took my light i feel small unworthy and unimportant to this world i put on a smile but in my head begging God to take me so please with all kindness and heart pray for me