Brojarkari
Disciple of Prayer
I so desperately need prayer right now. I've considered myself a Christian for a while but I am constantly battling with doubt. I was raised in an extremely secular, liberal, "science is the only thing that's real" mindset. It is rooted SO incredibly deeply in me. It feels like skepticism is a part of me, like it's in my bones. The sin of disbelief has been all over my world my whole life, and every inch of me is coated in it. I keep telling myself, telling others, telling Jesus, telling the air that I believe in God, that I believe Jesus died for me, that I believe the Bible is a true story. But I don't think I actually do believe. I so desperately want to. I want to let myself reject what Satan has convinced the whole world of, I want to believe that God is real with the same surety that I believe my cat is real, that I believe that I am real. How do I make that happen? How do my prayers get heard when I don't even believe anyone is hearing them? How can I go to the Bible for guidance when I don't believe in my heart that it's anything more than a fantasy? Everyone says to just "accept Christ" but I am trying and I can't. I am desperate and afraid and I want Jesus more than anything but I'm terrified that I'm too far gone. If prayers only work from believers, then I need them from you guys, because I don't think they'll work from me.