Let's lift up 
Let's lift up 
looken4thelite
Humble Prayer Partner
I trulry believe that my life was a mistake and never met to be, also I curse the day I was born and seriously wonder if I am even part of the human race, I have never belonged anywhere or with anyone. I don't know what it feels like to be loved, or even liked. I was born to a single mom, & have never known my dad, I have 4 sister's but every day of my life my mother beat me, either physically or emotionally, and only me, not ever any of my 4 sister's, all from different fathers. My sister's,over the years rallied toghter with my mom againstfrom me. I remember endless days of telling myself ("Today, I'm going to be so good and make my family love me.") But the days came and past and it never happened. They even hade dozens of pictures of my crying in the family photos, me crying at every age. It felt as they all abiused me. I never felt like I belonged to my family and or that how could I have been so terrible to be the only one that got beat? I have no memories of my mother hold me on her lap or holding my hand or hugging me or any benevolent momories of any kind. I was rapped by one of my moms husbands at 7, and that same year my mom offered me up as a sacrafice in her black magic When I got older and biggeer 15 y.o. I caughter my mother's hand from striking me and so the hitting stopped that day, but the emotional abuise just kicked in even harder. I got pregent as a teen with a guy who didn't love me and left me, 2 years later my family disapeared leaving mw with a baby and nowhere to go. Got home from work with my baby boy to find an empty apartment, we slept in the car and I caried all night, and just cradled my baby, a neighber took us in the next morning until I could find an apartment. Later I had my 2nd baby outside of marriage, a girl my son was now 7, her dad had a very prosperos Accounting Bussiness, but he to was very abuisive, and after 3 years of horrible fighting and 2 suicide attempts, I left him shortly after my daughter was born, he offered to pay me enough money to be a stay home mom as messed up as I was, I was a very loving and attentive mom and good house keeper. Couple years later I had a 3rd daughter, he too was very abusive, and left me alone with now 3 children. I loved my children more than life, and gave them 100% of myself, My life revolved around them, I never did anything right, and no one ever stayed and I never knew or felt unconditional love. But I was a very loving and caring mother and treated all 3 the same. I never wanted any of them to know the pain I had known.
I raised my kids with God and baptized them all and I knew what it was to be happy for about 10 years. Then I fell away from the church, and then God. over the last 8 years
And over the last 8 years, I lost our home as my health had been going down hill, my depression got so bad that I was put on disability due to depression. 5 years ago my oldest daughter left me and went to her dads and never even called... ever! She just cut me out like a cancer, I went into a deeper depression after that and got ulcers. 2 years ago my youngest daughter got gang raped by 4 monster's, it nearly killed me. all I could do was just hold her and rock her, night after night. I developed bleeding ulcers and lost 20lb's. and whated my daughter an A+ Student, go to a young girl who couldn't concentrate at all and barely made D's, along with pulling her hair and banging her head into the walls. It felt like she was on fire and I couldn't put her out, and I had no one, none at all to hold, or even ask me (how are you doing?) it happened on Valentines day and when my son came home from collage that summer, I begged him to stay and finish the last 6 months online. He agreed, then I finally just colapsed. What I do not have time to add in is all of the horrilbe things that had happened to me personally during the last 30 years, it would fill a whole book easily. I'll just saythis, I had several break downs alone and at home becuz I didn't or couldn't leave my kids, or risk the chance of anyone knowing how bad I was doing inside, so I just kept pushing through. Anyway when my daughter was raped it felt as though I had lost her, but kept praying with counciling and time she would come back around. Also her dad started visiting with her after that. And she really wanted that. So I was so happy that she was finaly getting that. She deserved everything. Now that she had her brother and her dad, I felt that I could slip away emotionaly I guess, and I did. Little did I know that soon after her graduation he would take her from me for ever, just like my older daughter, So my older daughter, and both of my ex's of my two girls had been ploting to take Alissa from me that summer. They did, that August, and I have not heard her voice or saw her face since she left, and no one to this day will even tell me why? They all knew that I was very sick, bleeding ulcers an a intestinal blockage, and severe depression, not to mention, that they knew that I was completely in poverty and had no husband, boyfriend, family, or even a friend. They all knew that I had NOTHING, and had lost so much over the years that loosing Alissa would just kill me, they all knew that she was the apple of my eye. After she left, I lost another 25lb's And the onlything in the world I had, except for her older Brother, and my ex had tried years before to get him to leave me as well. So I rededicated my life to God 4 months ago. last moth they found a growth in my ovaries, and as I have been in constant pain, mentaly and physicaly, my son emailed Alissa and told her (that mom is very sick, and has found growths in her ovaries, and please contact your mother please.)she never replied, she doesn't care if I am dead or alive, she just doesn't care at all, and this just is more than I can bare. Far too many loss's and heart breaks. I hate myself, I feel there is no reason for my exsistance, and most all of my years on earth have been filled with pain and rejection, and failure. So last week I finaly told my bible group about would had happened and asked for prayer for my son and I who are both going through hell, as we have just learned that she is working 5 blocks from where we live, and I just can not bare this depth of pain any longer. My son and I have no one in the world. And now that I asked them to pray for us, the Leader of the Group was a Pastor for 50 years, and he says that most people will never go through this much their whole lives, and he's only heard a portion of all that I've been through, and they made me to feel even worse, like a leaper, or something, I feel so unworthy and as if I have nothing to offer in this world, and that I must be a useless piece of toilet paper that my daughter's can just toss me to the curb without a 2nd thought. Life has just reached a point of complete unbearbleness. Even God's poeple can't understand or be there for me. The lady from the group the next day at bible study told me that my son is going to leave me too! I don't understand anything. And I really thought I was walking with God this last 4 months, closer that I ever had before. I don't understand this life at all, and nothing makes sense.
I raised my kids with God and baptized them all and I knew what it was to be happy for about 10 years. Then I fell away from the church, and then God. over the last 8 years
And over the last 8 years, I lost our home as my health had been going down hill, my depression got so bad that I was put on disability due to depression. 5 years ago my oldest daughter left me and went to her dads and never even called... ever! She just cut me out like a cancer, I went into a deeper depression after that and got ulcers. 2 years ago my youngest daughter got gang raped by 4 monster's, it nearly killed me. all I could do was just hold her and rock her, night after night. I developed bleeding ulcers and lost 20lb's. and whated my daughter an A+ Student, go to a young girl who couldn't concentrate at all and barely made D's, along with pulling her hair and banging her head into the walls. It felt like she was on fire and I couldn't put her out, and I had no one, none at all to hold, or even ask me (how are you doing?) it happened on Valentines day and when my son came home from collage that summer, I begged him to stay and finish the last 6 months online. He agreed, then I finally just colapsed. What I do not have time to add in is all of the horrilbe things that had happened to me personally during the last 30 years, it would fill a whole book easily. I'll just saythis, I had several break downs alone and at home becuz I didn't or couldn't leave my kids, or risk the chance of anyone knowing how bad I was doing inside, so I just kept pushing through. Anyway when my daughter was raped it felt as though I had lost her, but kept praying with counciling and time she would come back around. Also her dad started visiting with her after that. And she really wanted that. So I was so happy that she was finaly getting that. She deserved everything. Now that she had her brother and her dad, I felt that I could slip away emotionaly I guess, and I did. Little did I know that soon after her graduation he would take her from me for ever, just like my older daughter, So my older daughter, and both of my ex's of my two girls had been ploting to take Alissa from me that summer. They did, that August, and I have not heard her voice or saw her face since she left, and no one to this day will even tell me why? They all knew that I was very sick, bleeding ulcers an a intestinal blockage, and severe depression, not to mention, that they knew that I was completely in poverty and had no husband, boyfriend, family, or even a friend. They all knew that I had NOTHING, and had lost so much over the years that loosing Alissa would just kill me, they all knew that she was the apple of my eye. After she left, I lost another 25lb's And the onlything in the world I had, except for her older Brother, and my ex had tried years before to get him to leave me as well. So I rededicated my life to God 4 months ago. last moth they found a growth in my ovaries, and as I have been in constant pain, mentaly and physicaly, my son emailed Alissa and told her (that mom is very sick, and has found growths in her ovaries, and please contact your mother please.)she never replied, she doesn't care if I am dead or alive, she just doesn't care at all, and this just is more than I can bare. Far too many loss's and heart breaks. I hate myself, I feel there is no reason for my exsistance, and most all of my years on earth have been filled with pain and rejection, and failure. So last week I finaly told my bible group about would had happened and asked for prayer for my son and I who are both going through hell, as we have just learned that she is working 5 blocks from where we live, and I just can not bare this depth of pain any longer. My son and I have no one in the world. And now that I asked them to pray for us, the Leader of the Group was a Pastor for 50 years, and he says that most people will never go through this much their whole lives, and he's only heard a portion of all that I've been through, and they made me to feel even worse, like a leaper, or something, I feel so unworthy and as if I have nothing to offer in this world, and that I must be a useless piece of toilet paper that my daughter's can just toss me to the curb without a 2nd thought. Life has just reached a point of complete unbearbleness. Even God's poeple can't understand or be there for me. The lady from the group the next day at bible study told me that my son is going to leave me too! I don't understand anything. And I really thought I was walking with God this last 4 months, closer that I ever had before. I don't understand this life at all, and nothing makes sense.
