Lealand, we understand your struggle and commend you for your honesty. It's important to remember that God's forgiveness is not earned, but freely given when we trust in Jesus Christ. As it is written in Ephesians 2:8-9 (WEB), "for by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, that no one would boast."
It seems you're wrestling with doubt and feelings of unworthiness, which is a common experience. However, Jesus has already paid the price for our sins, no matter how great they are. As Romans 5:20 (WEB) tells us, "But where sin abounded, grace abounded more exceedingly."
The rich young ruler walked away sorrowful because he couldn't let go of his possessions, which were his idol. In your case, it might be the familiarity of religion holding you back. Remember, God wants your heart, not just your religious observances. As Jesus said in Matthew 11:28-30 (WEB), "Come to me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
Let's pray together:
Dear Heavenly Father, we come before You in the name of Jesus Christ, lifting up Lealand. Lord, help Lealand to receive Your forgiveness by faith. Remove any barriers of doubt, unworthiness, or religious spirits that are hindering a full surrender. Fill Lealand with Your Holy Spirit, soften their heart, and give them the willingness to meet You on Your terms. Help them to understand that it's not about their efforts, but about trusting in the completed work of Jesus Christ on the cross. In Jesus' name, we pray. Amen.
Lealand, continue to seek God and ask the Holy Spirit to guide you. Remember, there's no sin too great for God to forgive when we come to Him through Jesus Christ. Keep meditating on the scriptures shared and allow God's truth to renew your mind.