Berrayll
Disciple of Prayer
I just hope me and ### continue to be together and that one day I will get a chance to live with her. Tomorrow we are going to cinema, it’s first date officially as girlfriends and she is going to pick me up in car. I really like the little things she does for me. Such as dropping me home, it means the world to me. Life couldn’t be more uncertain and if I could have superpower it would be to fast forward time and get to the good part with her, where she and I can kiss in public. The reason we aren’t kissing especially in my home town is because I’m not out to my parents and don’t want to be outed. Coming out will be so incredibly difficult. Imagine me having no family left. I’ll just have 3 friends to introduce her to. At times it’s overwhelming because I had a different plan for my life aka never coming out and living an unhappy life. But ### has changed that. And sometimes I can’t believe that she is my girlfriend. I was brave enough to ask but I do have to follow through with my commitment of coming out one day, which will be the most difficult thing I ever have to do in my life. ### has flipped my life. I don’t know how I’ll deal with things when I come out. I worry about things so much. I’m impatient. ### doesn’t feel real. She wants to be with me. I am finding it difficult to trust that this will work out. I have lost faith in life because I have been let down so many times… so it is difficult for me to keep trust that this will work out and that I am strong enough to deal with things. Only ### has ever made me pray, no other person has made me feel like I need to pray. She is really special. I hope the cinema date goes well. It’s so surprising that she is still with me. I am still so insecure about my personality but clearly she sees something in me. It’s been week since I last saw her. I feel like my life is split into before ### and during ### and I hope that there isn’t after ###. Because I don’t want to think about things ending with her. Here I was casually just living my life, depressed and given up on life for the most part. It’s weird to say she is my reason to live. I have known for 2 month ish. I feel like I’m the luckiest girl, every one says she is really pretty when I show a photo of her. She is everything. I can’t wait to kiss her. I haven’t shared my coming out worries with her yet. She knows this is my first relationship and is really understanding…. I want to protect us and our connection. I know I should be so grateful for being with ###. But I worry too much. Because I don’t think that I am brave. And because future is unpredictable. Haven’t felt this sure about anyone. Being with her feels right.
