seekingmercy
Faithful Servant
I have successfully pushed him away. He says he is settling for a random girl because he thinks I won't move on unless he becomes unavailable. I am completely broken and anchor less. He was the rock who helped me recover last year, and for such a long time, all my hopes and dreams revolved around him. The love he has shown for me was so strong, how can it fail this stupid test of ego and pride. You know I was scared of getting into a relationship and getting hurt, but it has happened. Yes, the first time was of my own free will, but I have begged and begged for forgiveness. Why does that bite and ruin the best thing that ever happened to my life? Besides if it wasn't for that, this wouldn't have happened. Father, he says he lost, and he can't frgive himself or me, but he also says I won't live my entire life scared of memories and all. Why did you initiate something between us, if it wasn't meant to be. Wasn't that what I asked you... I love him, but if it's not meant to be let us just remain friends. I didn't start this. He did, he confessed his feelings for me, and he was the one who talked about marriage. After deciding it was over, and just spending time with each other before leaving the country, he was the one who brought us up again, he was one who fought with me again saying he couldn't leave me, and so many times after that. He has hardened his heart last two months, and since I haven't, all my emotions have become torture and blackmail to him. Why did u bring him to my life. Why did I need all this. I was so fine two years back, I had barely gotten better, and this happened. I have no strength left. You know what I go through. It was my faith and belief in you that kept me going. Everytime we fought initially I came to you and said give me the courage to face this, or bring us back. You brought us back. All these weeks I didn't even believe feeling deep in my heart that he won't leave me, and you brought him to me. So why am I suffering now. Why am I turning into a selfish, depressed, hysterical human being. I am your daughter, why would you let me unravel like this. What is your perfect timing? I have lost everything. My friends are scared and show pity to me, my family is angry and upset, and he has also gone. I have never received pity from anyone, but now all I get is pity. What is your perfect timing? What is this test that you are giving me? Are u testing my faith? Because I believed against all hope that you will make it happen because it started after I put it in your bucket without taking an action. I put it in your bucket! Why did you let something happen, If it causes so much pain? Please enlighten me! Please. I am so alone and scared. I am having panic attacks again. I don't want anything better or perfect, I just want something that makes me happy and calm. And he is the only person who is that for me. Just enlighten me. I have no strength left. I cry when I am shopping in supermarkets. I cried so much that my eyes started burning and head started aching. My chest is constantly hurting. Stop testing me more. You are my only refuge. For two years, I have made sure I didn't do anything without your blessing so that I never feel like this again. How can that have gone so wrong?
