I don't really know what to write about. I have so many things to pray

[PraySite Requests]

I don't really know what to write about. I have so many things to pray about. Anyway,I'll tell them all.I've been praying about finding my soulmate.I even have a description of him -it's all about character, what is SO IMPORTANT to me, and that description is biblical, these are not over-demands and I don't really care about his look. Also, I want my marriage be purposeful: having children, communication, even sex-what everyone wants from marriage, that's all. But I want this and more - doing something meaningful with husband, helping him. Now, I can barely believe or think, that lost my faith, not in God though, but in what I've been praying about. It seems that he-soulmate-does not exist "in nature". That I must set with lower standarts...I am too demanding?...It feels like, love doesn't exist. No one loves me, though I can't love too. I am too egoistic, so why should I expect someone fall in love with me? ...is it all just tales, that adults made up?... I am tired of supporting and helping other men and women, when afterwards they draw themselves back, and share victories (and failures) with their spouses. Of course, this is natural. But I am tired of investing myself into people, which leave you outside their world at the end. I am not afraid of work or difficulties, but all I want is to share commnon success & failures with my spouse, and not to be left ourside alone. ((( This is my first concern, and worry, though not worry, cause I kinda resigned myself...

Nothing happened in personal relationship life. And I am not successful in career, as I would like to. I know that my selfesteem shouldn't be based on outside factors. But after failure in love, I feel myself a failure in area of job. Useless here too, though I have abilities, talents and, I am diligent. I feel like a failure. ...though I know that God opens doors and closes doors. Just it is so difficult - when nothing works.

I don't understand why are people in the ministry? They hurt me, when said, that "You minister only inside the church, but outside it does not matter". So, my outside life is not a ministry to God, and it does not really matter? I don't want such ministry. I better do nothing, then being involved in such hypocritical service. I better live plain life without loud service mottos. That's why I am exhausted, powerless now, lost my previous belief (and do not want to return back to them), I don't have enough strength for any activity, don't have desire and don't see the meaning of all of this Christian stuff. ... I still believe in God, but even now I am not sure what I believe in is true (or maybe even that is a human's tales)

I need goals (new goals) for my life, cause I am purposeless now. I am not sure, where should I go, what should I study,I leave projects unfinished, because get depressed easily (is it a spirit). Don't have many friends, those I had left somewhere due to life's turns, went to other cities, countries , or they were not friends at all and time showed that((

So, you see, my situation. I'd not dare to share all of this with real people. Therefore, sharing it with you. Hope you understand and support me in prayer. Even if not understand, it'll be easier for me not to know about it, that's why I am leaving the request online. Your unknown sister, in the Body of Christ, Tatyana