I dont know anymore

I'm sorry if this is negative. Or saddening. I just want to get my thoughts out there and I feel like I need help.
God is always listening but what am I doing wrong? I'm so anxious. Sad. Depressed. Worried. Stressed. Like it's all too much. I don't want God to stop working in my life-I don't want to stall anything by sinning. I stopped sinning thanks to God the Holy Spirit really guided me with the smoking addiction and I pray like I used to (all day almost but always considering God in what I do / say also). Like things are getting better but I'm still struggling. And it's hard to feel bombarded by the enemy but maintain your faith I'm sure God delights In that. But sometimes I feel weak. Guilty. I'm tired of sin (seeing it around people I love) and I'm tired of worrying about things out of my control. I'm tired of feeling like some scaredy cat. I just want to be at peace that God's protecting me-I want his will not even mine because his will is greater and more helpful to everything and everyone. I feel like this season of my life is about trusting God through the process.
I've been suffering from PTSD for a while now. First it was about the verbal and mental abuse from my parents and family members sometimes even being hit. So I was scared into being the golden child. But even now, whenever my mom comes home since I live with her (because my mental health is/was terrible and I couldn't even get a job even though I'm trying to get one now, I honestly just think I needed time.) But I get startled when she comes home or walks around. Like I'm always on edge. And it's a terrible feeling. I always try to calm myself down with thoughts like she's not gonna hurt me.
I feel beaten down by the people I love and I have 4 friends who are kind but not always available (understandably) so it's hard to find support. I think my brother hates me sometimes. And he's been away in rehab since February (its about to be june) so I'm sad.
My dad passed away 1 and a half years ago so that's a terrible thing I'm going through too. My sleep schedule is off. I want to read the Bible but for some reason only cover a page or two before I do something else. I'm not purposefully avoiding but sometimes I feel so much peace I fall asleep, or ill read for longer but have to end up doing chores.
Life's better with God. God is great and awesome and amazing but life's still hard right now. I know it'll never be 100% perfect or what we want. That's understandable. But right now it feels like a lot of bad and I'm praying out of fear a lot. And it's sad.

 

[Brother in Christ (JC)]

God bless you Nicolette;
Sister, I try not to focus on sins and imperfections. Our Father knows I'm the chieftain of both.
God's gift is free. He there whether or not I'm perfect. He there's whether I win or lose, or when I'm happy or sad.

This world can be overwhelming, things changes, and people come and go. We can change some things but have no control on others. But after all the dust has dissipated, God remains.
The God of Love and Peace keeps me going. This chaos will all make sense one day but as for now we see through a dimly lit mirror.

I'm so sorry about your lost. May our Heavenly Father comfort you and bring you peace. May our dear ABBA fill your emptiness, in the mighty name of our risen Saviour Jesus I pray.

 

[Zellner]

I'm sorry if this is negative. Or saddening. I just want to get my thoughts out there and I feel like I need help.
God is always listening but what am I doing wrong? I'm so anxious. Sad. Depressed. Worried. Stressed. Like it's all too much. I don't want God to stop working in my life-I don't want to stall anything by sinning. I stopped sinning thanks to God the Holy Spirit really guided me with the smoking addiction and I pray like I used to (all day almost but always considering God in what I do / say also). Like things are getting better but I'm still struggling. And it's hard to feel bombarded by the enemy but maintain your faith I'm sure God delights In that. But sometimes I feel weak. Guilty. I'm tired of sin (seeing it around people I love) and I'm tired of worrying about things out of my control. I'm tired of feeling like some scaredy cat. I just want to be at peace that God's protecting me-I want his will not even mine because his will is greater and more helpful to everything and everyone. I feel like this season of my life is about trusting God through the process.
I've been suffering from PTSD for a while now. First it was about the verbal and mental abuse from my parents and family members sometimes even being hit. So I was scared into being the golden child. But even now, whenever my mom comes home since I live with her (because my mental health is/was terrible and I couldn't even get a job even though I'm trying to get one now, I honestly just think I needed time.) But I get startled when she comes home or walks around. Like I'm always on edge. And it's a terrible feeling. I always try to calm myself down with thoughts like she's not gonna hurt me.
I feel beaten down by the people I love and I have 4 friends who are kind but not always available (understandably) so it's hard to find support. I think my brother hates me sometimes. And he's been away in rehab since February (its about to be june) so I'm sad.
My dad passed away 1 and a half years ago so that's a terrible thing I'm going through too. My sleep schedule is off. I want to read the Bible but for some reason only cover a page or two before I do something else. I'm not purposefully avoiding but sometimes I feel so much peace I fall asleep, or ill read for longer but have to end up doing chores.
Life's better with God. God is great and awesome and amazing but life's still hard right now. I know it'll never be 100% perfect or what we want. That's understandable. But right now it feels like a lot of bad and I'm praying out of fear a lot. And it's sad.

Dear Lord, send peace, joy and happiness, we need You today and will need You forever. Amen