EAndersen
Prayer Warrior
I don't even know how I'm still going. Someone my age shouldn't have to see what I've seen. But what's really put me over the edge is that in the past six months I've lost my fiance, lost my house, lost all the money I had, both of my childhood pets died, my best friends all got shipped off to afghanistan, I've been emotionally tortured by the girl who was once an angel to me (my fiance) and she'd laugh when I cried, she turned my roommate against me, and now I found out... I feel like I should be ashamed but really there's no point in letting guilt and regret eat away at me... she called last night to tell me that she had lied about being on birth control, had gotten pregnant and had an abortion without telling me, and now she's pregnant with someone elses child and is going through with it. I'm so tired of being tired that I just smiled, and I'm icy cold, shaking, feel sick, but I'm friendlier than ever and just keeping a smile on my face cause I'm tired of being dragged down. And now I found out my grandmother died this morning. I don't know what else I can do... if you knew me you'd know that I go out of my way to help others, I've put in over 500 hours of community service, all my best friends say I saved their lives because they used to be bullies and drug-addicts who I reformed, when something bad happens I always, ALWAYS try to make the best of it. My little brother who died, I think I have to be the BEST person I can be to make him proud that I'm his big brother. I've prayed and prayed and prayed for guidance, I've prayed for a break, for hope, for strength, for anything, and anytime I do things just get worse. What makes my life better is to just stand up on my own, and deal with it, but every time I go back to prayer things fall apart again. I tried to explain this to someone who was throwing bible quotes at me. I understand the concept of being a good person, I KNOW what I need to do most of the time, I feel like God is on my shoulder, I'm always coming through things somehow and I'm thankful for that but I'm starting to talk with 40 year olds who treat me like I'm their age, they look at me and see someone who's experienced as much as them and it scares me. I am blessed to make it through everything, I'm blessed to have NEVER had a role model in my life, to be surrounded by drug-addicts and alcoholics but I still became a good man and it was before I found Christianity. Like I said I think there's an angel on my shoulder... what I pray for is that this finally leads up to something good. I pray that I find a career path to support my family, that I can travel the world like I've always wanted, that I find a woman who can be everything I've ever dreamed to be with who I can share my love with, I pray for anything, just something to pull me up from this FINALLY. I want this to be over. It makes me a better person, it made me into a soldier, but enough... I am weary, I can hardly stand at times. Just let things get better. There has to be some kind of light at the end of the tunnel and I'm praying for that, even if only a glimmer of hope. Amen. Thank you for reading this.
