Let's keep our focus on group prayer. "For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them." (Matt 18:20) Private messages are great for personal support, but sharing here allows us to agree in prayer together. Trust God's plan. "Be still before the Lord." (Ps 37:7) He's working! 
calamankitten
Disciple of Prayer
I am seeking prayer for one of the most heartbreaking experiences I have had in my life. . . This is one of the things I just can not let go of. When I was twelve years old my mother had moved in her new boyfriend, little did I know. . . It would be the beginning of my nightmare, he seemed fine at first like a father type figure that I really needed in my life. But, aa the days went on, he would lead me down a path of this nightmare that follows. He had me touch him in very wrong ways that I refuse to explain. . . He taught me that this was right, and that all girls where made to do this. As, the years went on the days grew longer he would brain wash me into believing it all was alright, and it was ok for me to do this. At 16 years old he forced himself on me taking my innocence away from me. Making me scared, to tell anyone, anything because if I did he would posion my little brother, or kill my mother. . . I worried for everyone else around me, If I told I swore he would do this, making it clear to me always ,but in slick ways. And, at 17 my Sophmore year in high school I met this amazing boy again his name is Morgan, I got extremely close to Morgan, he helped me in a way he always had a smile on his face my best friend, the ironic thing was I knew him when I was in thrird grade, we had the same teacher together named Mrs. Stoud. Once him and I met that very first time it was funny, getting in a fight in a school lunch line over a lunch card, I told the principal and the next thing I know we are both sitting there in the Principals office all red in the face for being in trouble. The principal made us shake hands. And, a few days later as little childern we had a little relationship. And, without warning over the summer he had moved away. . . I never knew where he had went to, I searched for him in the year books just to see if I had miss placed him in school. But, anyways as the years went on I forgot about him, and that one day he shows back up at my school My Sophmore year again. He was in my first period Health class with Mr. Comer. And, I had just been broken up with, only to find that that boy I was dating left me for another girl. And, so I thought about Morgan, and how much fun and love he always brought to me. So, I wrote a note and we ended up together, lasting two whole years we did everything together when we could, going to school dances, meeting our friends, spending the weekends together going roller skating. And, we just got closer and closer. . . I never knew how much he really loved me, I just never could at 17 fathom it, I was still yet very immature. But, as time grew on that Man my mother was with got jealous, very jealous. He would see how close I got to Morgan, and begin to hurt me more and more. Over, time it just made me push Morgan away. . . So, many times did I want to tell Morgan what was wrong, what was happening in my home life. . . But, I was so afraid, afraid of what Morgan would think of me? If he would get really mad and do something he would regret to this Man that hurt me so badly, and continued to. I thought to myself all the time, if I tell Morgan is he going to grab his hunting rifle and kill him. And, then be in trouble to where I can never see him again. . . I was so scared for his life, and scared for my families, and my own. I never ever told Morgan myself. I just pushed Morgan away, by talking to another boy. Because, I just did not know what to do with that older man, what would he have done. If I stayed with the one that he hated so much. . . After Morgan, fell apart and his heart got smashed by me he left my school, going back to his old one. I never seen him for the longest time. Until one day, I happened to be walking my little puppy Molly, I was out in the yard, looking up at the sky asking God, please God. Bring Morgan to me, I really need him right now. I forgotten my prayer, and walked to the car that sat on the hill in the yard, looking out into the field. I just watched my puppy play in the long grass and someone randomly waved at me from the road, I turned and waved back, not thinking anything at all. . . And, the next thing I know there Morgan is, right in front of me in his truck, he had turned around after 7 minutes of passing me. Just to talk to me, the Lord had brought him to me. He asked me questions of my life Morgan did, he asked me how I was, what College I wanted to go to, where I would be. And, at the time I knew I loved him, I wanted to see him so badly God had brought me an amazing gift that day. And, I thank him for it, I really do. At that time when I was talking to Morgan I wanted to tell him how I felt ,but I was still scared to tell him anything, so many thoughts had crossed my mind. . . I hurt him so much, I am afraid he will not accept my love, he deserves much better and to be happier with another. I thought about if I tell him would that old man hurt me for it, if he where to find out? So, I never told Morgan even then, I feel I missed out on one of God's great plans then. . . ,but I never took that chance. As time went on after seeing Morgan, things got worse, the old man knew he was there and got jealous once again believing Morgan would come back to take me on a date. Morgan, never showed again, I knew things about him, over time my mother told me she had talked to Morgan's mother in the local store, saying he had signed up for the Marines. I remember when she had told me, I spent two hours crying on the porch deck outside, worrying about his safty always, knowing a Marine eventually will go to War. I spent time praying for him over the years that pasted to be strong, safe, and most of all to be happy. After, all of this things with the older man that my mom was seeing got worse he continued to use me because he knew that he could, bringing me down because he knew I loved Morgan. And, he continued to make me feel like I was worthless, only meant to be a sex toy, and nothing more. It, had gotten so bad, that I wrote negative poems about feeling trapped, in a cage of his prison. My brother as well he would pattal my brother so hard with a wooden pattal it would make me cry. I would cut myself with a kitchen knife on my wrists wanting to die myself... I was so lost being close to the age of 19... I had lost all my friends after Morgan, no one wanted to talk to me, they disliked me for hurting Morgan so badly I felt locked away, from the world that once surrounded me for with that one little place, of Comfort Morgan and his friends, that where also mine. I never knew what to do, and the older man continued to say I am your best friend, I am the only one that still remains do you see anyone else around. He convencied me to believe him he had said it so much, he turned me against my mother, my little brother. Putting up a wall making us all fight, with one another. It had gotten so bad, my mother said I know what is going on, I can tell how obsessed you are with my daughter, at the time my mother was in such a rage feeling cheated and hurt from the relationship she had, had with him. And, felt betrayed herself, she was also mad at me, she never meant to be ,but at that time she was. My mother had left that night of this fight going to a bar, with her girlfriend only to call the house, later, the next morning to tell him to leave, he left us kids there with this man... out of confusion and heart ache she was feeling herself. I knew she was so made at me, I knew and believed she hated me. This man wanted to take me with him, and I was afraid of what he might do to my little brother, or me, while mother was not around. So, with him convincing me once more, to leave with him saying my mother would never forgive me for what I have done, I left with him out of protection for my family. He had complete control then, he took a camper and placed it at a campground, and had me stay with him. I was still afraid, I was still in school because I had failed 2nd grade, so I was still in my first half of my Senior year, I walked to the bus stop where all the childern would go every morning I could get him to let me be alone, he ended up driving me to the bus stop, for fear of me telling... so no matter what I did he was stuck to me always, never letting me breathe, as time passed I just became more afraid of his possive nature, I had a friend come visit me that was a young boy named Jacob he was 18 years old, and is now himself a Soldier. The old man was so furious with me that he threw rocks at the camper in front of us both young kids. And, he treated me badly once he made the boy leave, he held me down and took what he always wanted out of me...... And, once again I felt hopeless, after awhile, he had to move me again, this time he gave me a choice to live in Flordia or go to stay with his sister Debbie that was dying of Cancer... I choose Debbie, for two reasons first and for most, I wanted to be there for this woman, even though I never knew who she was I understood she needed people around her at this time in her life, and second to still be closer to my mother. He moved me, and him to Debbie.... I had a choice between schools one was South Dearborn, the other was Lawernceburg School. I choose South Dearborn, I ended up going here only to find, Morgan was there, again in my life.... I adventually ended up talking with Morgan, he saw me after my first 3 days at the new school. And, told me to sit with him on the Carrer Center bus, I gave him a hug, and we sat side by side talking... He once again asked me how I was, how my family was, where I was living now, since I was going to his school, I told him I was with that older man... and his sister I never told him anymore.... and all of a sudden he got quite never said a thing to me. Did not look at me, just put him ear phones in his ears and turned on his music, then I did the same with my music. And, he never spoke to me again... I never told him anything.... ,but inside I knew he knew something just never said a word.... I was stoned, everyday before school everyday, through out my life since 18 that older man had me high so I was never thinking straight, I never knew how, to talk to Morgan then, I never knew the words to say.... He never ever talked to me after this..... Until later, but that is later in this long story..... of my life. I would walk since I lived in town I would get on the bus, and go to a bus stop, from there I would walk to the appartment where Debbie lived with that older man, and me... I climbed the stairs to see her, and at the time the older man did not work yet ,but was looking for work... I got to know Debbie.... I loved her so very much, and still to this day I always think of her. But, once this older man got to work, I got even closer to her as she got sicker, he was gone for a few hours, and I never told her anything that was going on with me. I just listened to her talk, and drawed beside her when I could at first she was not as sick as you think she could walk, she could drive, she could do lots of things with me. And, she just grew weaker, and weaker right in front of me. As, time went on the older man would come home from work, open the door, and once I had noticed, when I was sitting by Debbie on her bed, he walked it and she would jump out of her skin... almost like she was afraid of him.... I never thought much of it.... when he always had me stoned I would over look somethings, my judgement was always cloudy.... I remember spending Thanksgiving with Debbie, I had my first sip of chamagine with her, and I will always remember it. There where times when I wanted to leave and go back home. And, one day I broke down, with them both there, and I was starting to pack my bags, and she came up to me hugging me, telling me she wanted me to stay.... And, I just couldn't leave her there, I just could not. And, would not, no matter how much I hurt, she hurted more, and I stayed for her. And, adventually as time went on I seen her grow weaker, she could no longer walk as good, she was extremely frail, and she needed all the help she could get. Adventually hospice came in, to help, but as her body went her mind did as well, she could not remember things easliy anymore, her neighbors where wanting to take advantage of her property, oneday when Debbie was still in her own mind, she had told me the neighbor lady asked her a woman that she believed was her best friend, what she would get from Debbie when she died...... I knew she had to be protected, so I gave up school, I just gave it up. I knew she needed me, and I was not going to let people steal from her, everything she worked so hard to earn in her life. So, everyday I was there for her, the best that I could be, I had a schedule to give her medicne at a certain time of day, I cleaned house, I fed her, but sadly as her Cancer wore on her more, her mouth hurt so badly once it spread that she could not eat.... Over, time I had to feed her through a feeding tube, just to keep her alive......... She was strong up until after Christmas, she died on in early January..... when it was flurrying snow outside... I woke up to find her completely at peace with a roseary in her hand her son had left her. She seemed so happy, and beautiful laying there.... even though she was gone.... My heart broke a little more that day, to see her gone from my life. But, I knew God, saved her and it was her time to go home, so she could no longer have to endure the pain anylonger.... After, all of this, the owner of the apartment said we had 30 days to get out, which ended up being more like two weeks, because the older man wanted out now... he wanted to control me faster, and he found a house close to where the apartment was, and put me in it. And, there I stayed for a long while afraid he would hurt me still, overtime I realized I was pregnant, with his child.... I was not sure, at first because I was sick and thought it was just a really bad virus, and I was curious so I gathered up what money I could find to get a test, I walked to wal greens that was right next door and found out in the end I was.... he took me to appointments, and places to help with childcare, so I could learn to be a mother, I was not ready I was terrified.... And, at the doctors I found out I was pregnant with a little baby girl.... at this point I was panicky, I was nervous, I was anything you could possibly think of.... I stayed around him until I had my daughter, after a few months of her being born, I decided I had to leave some how some way to protect her from him. From this happening to her as well. I got ahold of my mother because the day before Diana was born, my mother was at the door of that house, randomly... And, I had her number, and I talked to her about leaving, I moved in with her. And, later on that older Man stalked me sent me text messages of crazy disposition, and was guilting me into coming back... guilting me.... about this.... And, he showed up at the door of my mother's house demanding I come back, so I did.... In fear of my family again... So, I once I was back, he was worse to me than before, he always was like this when I had defyied him in any fashion, and I adventually did not know what to do, I was still in fear for my daughter, still wanting to protect her so, I called my mother again begging her to take me back once more. She would not take me back... She was afraid I would leave again, so.... I looked trhough everything I could find, everything to find any number I possibly could and I found my friend John's number, and I texted him, told him if he could to please get ahold of my father, I told him where he lived and he did. He got my father's number, and irronically since my father had gotten in trouble a number of times in his younger years he lost his license, and ended up. Just the day before I called he had just gotten it back... Dad, said he would come and get the Diana, and me. And, he did when the older man was gone at work one day.... I never meantioned that older man worked right across the street where I was living, with him so he could see my every move, at every moment. Until, they moved him from that Napa, into the the Napa in rising sun.... once he was there, he could not see me.... That was when I had left with my father, and my little girl... I had that one chance and took it... ,but once again, he had always known where my father lived as well because as kids that older man would take my little brother and me on weekends to see our father. And, then again he showed up at my dad's doorstep looking for me..... and this time my little girl.... He showed up at the door when my father was at work because he worked construction, and he worked odd hours, so when he knocked I did not know what to do... and across the street from where my dad had lived was a police station, I had my cell phone, but with him showing up on a whim I was to afraid to call for help.... ,but I did do one thing I called my father, and he ended up back at the house. And, he chased the older man out of his house, when he was doing his best to try and convince me, again getting in my mind to leave and come back to him. The police adventually stepped in because the older man went to the police station acroos the street telling them that I had WANTED to leave with him.... And, that my dad refused to let me go... Then with my daugther in my arms, two police officers came up to the door at this moment they had the older man in a room in the police station and away from where I was. I asked where he was because I was afraid that older man would try his best to find me again.... The police officers said not to worry because he was held over there. They asked me for my ID asked my age, asked about the situation I just told them after they asked me a single question, where do you want to be, I said with my father so I stayed. And, after everything... after all this... I found out I was pregnant again with his child, I had never been with anyone in any sexual manor since... So, I knew.... Out, of all my fear, again... I could not keep this child, I had to do something, I could not take care of two babies on my own.... With no real father for them, my own father himself drinks beer way more than he should, drinking his life away.... And, I felt I could not give the baby of for adoption because I felt it would not be far to that child, to not know who their real parents are, I feared for the child, if I had kept them as well, I was afraid I would have lost my mind, trying to take care of them both by myself.... I adventually set up and appointment for an abortion... As, much as I did not want to do this, at the time I knew it had to be done... I was not ready for another one, I was not even ready to be a mother with the daughter that I already did have.... I feared if I had the child I would have become attached and would not want to let go of them, I already can not leave my daughter two seconds alone, and she is a little over a year old now.... After this, I feel apart, my mother brought me to the clinic because my father never could find it... ,and it was not something I take to kindly on... I regret this decision alot right now, I felt selfish, and horrible I hated myself for it. I cried endlessly for months afterwards I count up how old they would be if they where here, and if it was a baby boy, like I thought they where... After, this I sought out my mother much more, and did not want to live with my father because of his endless drinking habits. So, I ended up in the end being with my mother, and here is where I stay. And, where I am now. At 21 years old in my life, recently in the last year of me moving in I have filed charges against this older man, for all the things he has done, to my family, and to me. It took all the courage I had, to fight this knowing if I had let him walk free of this he would do this to another little girl somewhere someone else's daughter.... I could not let it happen and would not let it happen. Just recently I have been to court to face him almost after a year's time of seeing him, I faced him before to get him to admit under s secret detective, device hidden on me... to what he had done to me.... for the investigation... After, going to court recently, this time I faced him in front of strangers, a jury of peers, and a judge... telling my story, and my little brother as well had to testify... And, now he is behind bars for this, sentenced to 80 years in prison, I found out much later in the newspapers on this, that he had raped a young girl in 1999.... And, he had gotten by with this.... And, now.. I feel I can breath, I feel I can finally move on... Knowing he can not do this again, to another soul. I am now back in school online, to get my diploma, I am seeking an Artist Carrer for my future... And, hoping I can just move forward from this. I have all my friends back, even Morgan, in the beginning when I came back to stay he sent me a message on -banned site- once again asking me, how are you? Are, you and the family alright? What are your plans for the future? How, older is your baby girl? I told him everything was fine, and how old she was at the time, I told him everything. He had asked me.... He does, this popping in and out of my life... He, gave me his number once, telling me to text him if I ever did need him for anything that he would be right there for me. I love him so much, while I was gone and when I finally came back, he asked my mother how she was when I was gone, she told him everything. And, this is why he would not speak to me before.... he told her I made bad decisions. But, he cared about me as a friend and wanted to see that I was doing things within my best interest.. And, that I am cared for. I found that the whole time he really cared, and always cared about me... He even told me he had went back to my dad's house when I left my mother for the first time, looking for me, he said it was serveral times even he was so worried... He has always been there for me throughout this whole event in my life... And, I love him with all my heart, I love this Marine, for all that he stands for, for all the love he has ever given me... for the fact that he is still my friend, how he comments on the photos of my little brother in me on -banned site-, saying Calvin has really grown up!! I barely reconigzed him!!.... How, he likes my daugther pictures, how he comments on them saying she is so beautiful. How, he messages me telling me that I am strong, for all that I have done, how he says that my little girl is beautiful, and how much he loves little kids, how they just make him light up, he said he is a sucker for little kids... He told me about how his sister just had a little girl herself... All, of this he does, and still does. And, he knows I love him because I told him in a message, over this summer I told him I loved him the whole time, he just said this. Amanda, I was so deeply in love with you, I really was, but now I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore... And, it confuses me, I miss this Man. I love this Man, more than he really knows. And, would do anything more than anything for him to be back in my life, in person. For him to love me one day again just the same, for somewhere deep down in my heart... I know he loves me more than he says.... If I had one wish, one prayer to be answered it would be if he really does love me, deep down... To find it in his heart to tell me... He comes back home in Septemeber this year to see his older brother get married... I am confused as to what to do, if I should see him, or if I should wait... But, I fear if I wait, he deploys soon, and I am afraid I will never get that chance to see him again, if something where to ever happen to him.... I am looking for a prayer, to bring this amazing person closer to me in my life, for how much he has always been there for me from behind the scenes.... I need him.... I love him.... Sincerly, Amanda
~) God Thank YOU! Thank You For Loving Me. Thank You Lord Jesus. If it were not for You on my side, where would I be? I do not even want to think about it. God in Jesus' name, today, tomorrow, and forevermore bless me with the desires of my heart that is the will of God. Lead, guide, and direct my footsteps. Deliver, heal, encourage, and strengthen me. Bless me with the desire to and strengthen me to always walk in obedience to Your Word and Will for my life. Place legions of Your angels around me and my home to protect, keep me safe, and all that You have and will bless me with. Every plan that the enemy of my soul has planned for my life, destroy those plans. Let love, peace, joy, hope, faith, excellent health, holiness, wisdom, knowledge, understanding, protection and prosperity rest in me and upon me. God teach me how and bless me with a God-Positive-God-Thankful-God-Got-Me-Attitude. God all that I have asked of You in this prayer, please do the same for all those I love, care about, and the writer of this prayer. May each of us come to know You better in a real way, continue to grow in the true knowledge of Christ Jesus, and fall more in love with You with each passing day, month, and year. Amen, So Be It, And It Is So!<><><>
