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Not long ago, I received an email from a husband who was beyond weary of the Church not addressing the issue of his sexless marriage. That was hardly the first email I’d received from a frustrated spouse complaining about a lack of wisdom or even compassion they received from church leaders or fellow members for their sexual struggles.
Cue my heart breaking. Because yeah, our hearts should break over the same things that break God’s heart. And since God said such things as “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2) and “mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15), we know that He intends for us to help one another in times of strife. James 4:17 expresses it more boldly: “If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.”
We know, or should know, that helping people whose marriages are failing—whether due to communication conflict, financial trouble, or sexual refusal or mistreatment—is good. So whenever we can help, we as fellow Christians ought to do so.
Now the burden does not fall on each individual, but rather the Body of Christ as a whole (see 1 Corinthians 12). And that body is the Church. Yet, here we are—back at the beginning, with the admission that not every church teaches healthy and holy sex in marriage.
But some do. In my now-defunct Facebook group, someone shared this post:
How encouraging! Some churches really do step up and speak positively about marital intimacy.
But what if yours doesn’t?
I don’t know how many church choices you have in your area, but I recommend people look around. Don’t join a church based on a worship experience (how we often choose) but rather what kind of community the church has.
Which involves talking to members and even having private meetings with the pastors and/or elders. Before my husband and I joined our previous church, we asked to speak directly with our elders about our concerns and how they viewed certain issues. They were open to that, we got our answers, and we joined (over a decade ago).
That church’s minister supported classes that addressed sex and encouraged me in my ministry. Plus, we had a counselor on staff who was comfortable talking about sex in marriage as well. So I knew, not based on sermons, but the people in my church what kind of answers someone would get if they approached a leader and reported they were in a sexless marriage or suffering abuse.
After we moved, we began looking for a new congregation, and I made a point of sharing with church leaders about my ministry and watching their reactions. Were they comfortable with the idea that God had something to say about sex? Admittedly, I have an “in” with the ministry I’m engaged in, but it’s fair to ask questions before you commit to a particular community.
You can learn a lot about a church’s view of marriage and sexuality by asking what resources they recommend. Do they have an on-site counseling center? Do they help couples seek therapy, through connected resources and/or helping with cost? Do the ministers know about local interventions to address pornography use, healing from trauma, and marriage overall? If there’s a church library, does it include recent books about sexuality from a biblical perspective?
You probably don’t want to pitch all those questions at once, but it’s worth knowing whether your church recognizes the importance of sex in marriage. You can always ask a staff member an open question like “What resources do you have for those addressing marriage struggles?” and see what they say.
However, if they don’t have a lot on hand, that doesn’t mean they’re not open to providing assistance. You might follow up with suggestions and see where that goes. Many churches want to provide more but don’t know where to start. You could be the breakthrough they need.
Let’s say you visit a church, and the current sermon series is on prayer. Great topic—one we could all learn more about. But that doesn’t tell you much about whether this pastor and the church support healthy and holy marriage and sexuality.
Do they have archives?
Many churches now have video or audio files of past sermons on their website, on a YouTube channel or Facebook page, or through a podcast. Look at the archives and see if marriage and/or sex have been addressed before. If so, how was it handled? Was mutuality of sexual desire and satisfaction affirmed? Were obstacles to trust and intimacy addressed? Did the sermon hold to simple stereotypes or purity messages, or did it delve into what God’s Word really says about our sexuality?
There are a handful of cities that, if someone told me they were moving there, I could suggest a church. Not because I necessarily agree with every theological point of that denomination, but I know that pastor is a champion for practicing faith and prioritizing healthy marriage.
But don’t write me for recommendations. Check with folks in your social circle! You may be surprised to discover that a friend of a friend would welcome you into their fold. Or that a preacher you love has spoken at a church where you could find common cause. Asking around might uncover options you hadn’t considered that work well for you.
When someone recommends their church, ask specifically what they love about it. You may or may not prioritize the same things. But you may well find a marriage- and sex-positive church by seeking others’ recommendations.
The first time or two that you visit a church, you’re unlikely to get beyond small talk with the members there. But go to a Bible class, attend a church potluck, or visit a small group, and you’ll be able to participate in conversations that give you the feel for things. Even listening to what others are saying can help you get a sense of the culture, including the culture around marriage.
For instance, I’ve been around groups of wives talking about having sex with their husbands like it was a terrible burden. Now, I’ve heard from enough women to know that some women should feel that way about the sex in their marriage. But when no one in that circle speaks up in favor of sex as God intended it, that’s a red flag. Again, it may be that they’re entirely open to that viewpoint, and you could speak up for it and find several women who hadn’t spoken up before agreeing with you. But that experience at least tells you something about the current culture of that church.
Meanwhile, in my current church, there has been such beautiful openness among married couples about their struggles and victories. I learned these stories in Bible class, at the annual marriage retreat, and through conversation. I don’t know all the specifics, and don’t need to, but this church gets real about the challenges of marriage and points people to Jesus and helpful resources.
Again, while too many churches have failed in the areas of marriage and sexuality, there are good congregations out there. And churches need those of us willing to speak up biblically and practically about sex.
I hope the tips in this post help. I understand the struggle about finding a church that represents Him on this topic. But please don’t give up on God and His people, because He wants so much more for you. For both of you.
The post How Do I Find a Supportive Church? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.
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Not long ago, I received an email from a husband who was beyond weary of the Church not addressing the issue of his sexless marriage. That was hardly the first email I’d received from a frustrated spouse complaining about a lack of wisdom or even compassion they received from church leaders or fellow members for their sexual struggles.
Cue my heart breaking. Because yeah, our hearts should break over the same things that break God’s heart. And since God said such things as “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2) and “mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15), we know that He intends for us to help one another in times of strife. James 4:17 expresses it more boldly: “If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.”
We know, or should know, that helping people whose marriages are failing—whether due to communication conflict, financial trouble, or sexual refusal or mistreatment—is good. So whenever we can help, we as fellow Christians ought to do so.
What a Difference a Church Makes
Now the burden does not fall on each individual, but rather the Body of Christ as a whole (see 1 Corinthians 12). And that body is the Church. Yet, here we are—back at the beginning, with the admission that not every church teaches healthy and holy sex in marriage.
But some do. In my now-defunct Facebook group, someone shared this post:
How encouraging! Some churches really do step up and speak positively about marital intimacy.
But what if yours doesn’t?
Test the Waters
I don’t know how many church choices you have in your area, but I recommend people look around. Don’t join a church based on a worship experience (how we often choose) but rather what kind of community the church has.
Which involves talking to members and even having private meetings with the pastors and/or elders. Before my husband and I joined our previous church, we asked to speak directly with our elders about our concerns and how they viewed certain issues. They were open to that, we got our answers, and we joined (over a decade ago).
That church’s minister supported classes that addressed sex and encouraged me in my ministry. Plus, we had a counselor on staff who was comfortable talking about sex in marriage as well. So I knew, not based on sermons, but the people in my church what kind of answers someone would get if they approached a leader and reported they were in a sexless marriage or suffering abuse.
After we moved, we began looking for a new congregation, and I made a point of sharing with church leaders about my ministry and watching their reactions. Were they comfortable with the idea that God had something to say about sex? Admittedly, I have an “in” with the ministry I’m engaged in, but it’s fair to ask questions before you commit to a particular community.
Check Their Resources
You can learn a lot about a church’s view of marriage and sexuality by asking what resources they recommend. Do they have an on-site counseling center? Do they help couples seek therapy, through connected resources and/or helping with cost? Do the ministers know about local interventions to address pornography use, healing from trauma, and marriage overall? If there’s a church library, does it include recent books about sexuality from a biblical perspective?
You probably don’t want to pitch all those questions at once, but it’s worth knowing whether your church recognizes the importance of sex in marriage. You can always ask a staff member an open question like “What resources do you have for those addressing marriage struggles?” and see what they say.
However, if they don’t have a lot on hand, that doesn’t mean they’re not open to providing assistance. You might follow up with suggestions and see where that goes. Many churches want to provide more but don’t know where to start. You could be the breakthrough they need.
Look at the Archives
Let’s say you visit a church, and the current sermon series is on prayer. Great topic—one we could all learn more about. But that doesn’t tell you much about whether this pastor and the church support healthy and holy marriage and sexuality.
Do they have archives?
Many churches now have video or audio files of past sermons on their website, on a YouTube channel or Facebook page, or through a podcast. Look at the archives and see if marriage and/or sex have been addressed before. If so, how was it handled? Was mutuality of sexual desire and satisfaction affirmed? Were obstacles to trust and intimacy addressed? Did the sermon hold to simple stereotypes or purity messages, or did it delve into what God’s Word really says about our sexuality?
Ask for Recommendations
There are a handful of cities that, if someone told me they were moving there, I could suggest a church. Not because I necessarily agree with every theological point of that denomination, but I know that pastor is a champion for practicing faith and prioritizing healthy marriage.
But don’t write me for recommendations. Check with folks in your social circle! You may be surprised to discover that a friend of a friend would welcome you into their fold. Or that a preacher you love has spoken at a church where you could find common cause. Asking around might uncover options you hadn’t considered that work well for you.
When someone recommends their church, ask specifically what they love about it. You may or may not prioritize the same things. But you may well find a marriage- and sex-positive church by seeking others’ recommendations.
Listen to Members
The first time or two that you visit a church, you’re unlikely to get beyond small talk with the members there. But go to a Bible class, attend a church potluck, or visit a small group, and you’ll be able to participate in conversations that give you the feel for things. Even listening to what others are saying can help you get a sense of the culture, including the culture around marriage.
For instance, I’ve been around groups of wives talking about having sex with their husbands like it was a terrible burden. Now, I’ve heard from enough women to know that some women should feel that way about the sex in their marriage. But when no one in that circle speaks up in favor of sex as God intended it, that’s a red flag. Again, it may be that they’re entirely open to that viewpoint, and you could speak up for it and find several women who hadn’t spoken up before agreeing with you. But that experience at least tells you something about the current culture of that church.
Meanwhile, in my current church, there has been such beautiful openness among married couples about their struggles and victories. I learned these stories in Bible class, at the annual marriage retreat, and through conversation. I don’t know all the specifics, and don’t need to, but this church gets real about the challenges of marriage and points people to Jesus and helpful resources.
Don’t Give Up
Again, while too many churches have failed in the areas of marriage and sexuality, there are good congregations out there. And churches need those of us willing to speak up biblically and practically about sex.
I hope the tips in this post help. I understand the struggle about finding a church that represents Him on this topic. But please don’t give up on God and His people, because He wants so much more for you. For both of you.
The post How Do I Find a Supportive Church? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.
Continue reading...
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