Fierdarundeth
Disciple of Prayer
i pray for good health i pray for a new home so i can be at peace i feel as if something is wrong with me i feel my face changed my nerves everything i haven’t been myself i’ve been really unhappy suffering i had issues with my neck for a while and not feeling vibrant or happy or good enough working at jobs where i was being mistreated and fake people being around me people not liking me or wanting to be around me me telling people my business going to urgent cares telling them about myself them calling the hospital on me saying how i was mental the hospital being unsure of why i was there to begin with and me saying that my fingers were bothering me and the house that i was living in my mother makes me uncomfortable so do my brother i feel as if he took my kindness for weakness and kept trying to pick arguments and fights with me i’m not the type of person to argue and go back and forth with people but he kept trying to argue with me and kept trying to fight with me my father told me that he was jealous of me and kept saying negative things of me i never did anything towards him i don’t know why he was so focused on me and worried of me very negative man and i don’t trust him now i feel as if he apologized but he called me crazy when i walked past him at the park then my mother told him that she would help him get a key to get inside of the house after i had made him wait i didn’t like him he always used to lose his keys i felt as if something was wrong with him he wouldn’t clean up after himself and he would treat other people better than he had treated me he treated me very badly he would make me wait to warm up my food when i was inside of the kitchen he told me to wait until he was finished for me to be inside of the kitchen and i felt as if i could have warmed up my food while he was doing whatever he was doing then when i was walking he had walked behind me and i felt as if he was walking behind me too close i would sleep boiled up in a weird position i didn’t like myself and hated living inside of the building that i was living in i felt like my mother used to stare at me a lot and just watch me whenever i would go to school she would watch me and i just felt very uncomfortable around her she would listen to me all the time i never had my own room before i felt as if i should have had my own room i felt like i was the only one out of my friends who didn’t have their own room and then i felt like one of my friends had liked my ex bf i felt betrayed she was my friend for years then she started allowing to like her he tried to get with her and another one of my friends i felt he had liked her when i was inside of the party he had came and he gave her $20 dollars and he didn’t give me anything but a drink then his friend had liked my friend too then he tweeted on twitter when you choose the wrong friend and i would always see him speaking with her on twitter and asking her about me but he had my phone number and he would post other women as his wcw on instagram then he wanted to have my password he would ask me to buy him gifts and i barely had money to provide for myself i was working at a job where they was barely giving me hours and i felt unlike myself my hands started to bother me then i always felt as if something was wrong with me i used to work with women that was negative i would argue with a few of them me and one of the older women used to argue a lot and she would try her best to tear me down and i saw how she had favored another girl that used to work with me a lot of women favored her and treated her as if she was better because of the way that she used to look i felt as if she was better than me because of the position she had she didn’t have to do anything and got a position working in customer service then she had the front register working right next to the supervisor i felt as if i didn’t like the supervisor at first i did but she got mad because i had went back and told someone about what they had said of her she had said something about another girl the girl who i thought was better than me and i had went back and told her the girl who i had told went back and had told the manager about what i had said she didn’t like that store and wanted to leave and work somewhere else i was working there ever since i was in high school they would cut my hours and it took me a while to work at customer service one of the managers or supervisors had went back and said that i didn’t want to work in customer service i felt as if she didn’t have to say that to the manager she was hating on me an older lady and always had an attitude and i was always nice towards her and she mistreated me her daughters barely did anything mistreated one of the girls who was working there and caught an attitude with her and she was always nice to me she was a arabic lady she always told me that i looked like rihanna they even told me that i look like kelly rowland but i was happy with myself i pray that i get back to working i saw a job that’s hiring i pray that i get it i want to work and be able to make my own money and to just keep myself busy and happy i felt as if i haven’t had a job in years and if i work i would be better off while taking care of myself i had gifts i was able to sing and dance and i had a nice shape and i felt like i let my family and other things like fake friends bad relationships in the past i let it all get the best of me and i haven’t been myself ever since i let this guy destroy me he was cheating on me he had other women he would sleep with and he even gave me a disease when i was younger he was unfaithful and kept lying a lot that had stressed me out and made me very unhappy i would be o social media a lot talking of how he was unfaithful he would mess around with multiple women and i felt like i was way too pretty to be with him anyways i want to be healthy and happy i want to be able to provide for myself i still would like to sing and dance but i felt as if i had let myself go and it’s not the same no more im not the same i feel as if my character my reputation is down the drain i been to many different hospitals more than one they labeled me as a person who suffers from mental illness like schizophrenia anxiety depression and hallucinations and bi polar disorder i never knew i was bi polar i don’t get confused about things the only reason why i was there was because i didn’t like my house i told them i wanted to get away from the house that i was living in and they wanted me to reconsider at first about going to a mental hospital but i had chosen to go and that’s when i had messed myself up and i haven’t been the same ever since i had issues with every staff member that came to my house they talk and ask questions as if you don’t know anything and that irritated me and i just didn’t want them to come to my house trying to ask me anything and they want to know everything about what im doing and if im looking for work or looking for a job i was working at macy’s but i had quit because of the pay i felt as if it was too little then i felt as if i had issues with one of the managers she never would greet me and would speak with everyone else i felt as if she was fake she complimented another woman on her boots but had boots on too and she complimented her right in front of me and i just felt as if something wasn’t right with her i want to get back into fashion but i don’t have a job to be able to provide for myself and to be able to buy myself things i would love to work and find a job that pays well i pray for a new job i pray for a new home so i can sleep in peace and go to the bathroom in peace and shower and take baths in peace i’ve been under attack by the guy upstairs for years now and i don’t like that even with my mother i feel as if she moves around she stretches her feet and do things a lot i just want to heal and get back to myself i want to get back to my normal height i would love for my normal shoe size to come back i messed my feet up by wearing sneakers that were too big they fit but they were big at the same time and they were very tight around the arch and veins of my feet and now the veins in my foot seem different even inside of my hands doctor at the hospital couldn’t find my veins and i felt scared i was crying because they was sticking me with a needle and i felt as if it was too much when i had went to this hospital i felt like even my hands were messed up the first time they hospitalized me i wasn’t myself i was working before and kept visiting the hospital it was very bad my mind was messed up and i wasn’t myself i was very stressed and i felt like people who i worked with were worried about me and i didn’t like that i wasn’t suicidal but i felt like weird things were happening to me and i didn’t like that i was working with another lady the first time i worked at this job it wasn’t so bad but the second time i worked there it was awful and i felt as if a lady was working there and she had an attitude with me i would call her to speak with her she wouldn’t answer me i saw her flirting with one of the men when i was working there and then she ignored me when i had called her in front of the jamaican man i felt as if she didn’t like me i would always feel her behind me moving strangely and i felt as if she was nasty and i just didn’t like being around i had income but i never wanted to change my clothes i would wear sweatpants to work all the time but it wasn’t too bad i was working to save my money i didn’t feel like myself i pray for healing so i can work create my own business and just do my own thing i felt as if something was wrong with me i let myself go the years had went by and i was inside of mental hospitals i stayed inside of two mental hospitals one each a month i felt sad and depressed i had to wake up every morning to shower i had to eat their food it was very bad i hated it i didn’t want to talk to anybody there i’m smart i’m no dummy but i felt as if i was inside of too many different hospitals i was all over the place i just didn’t like myself i hated myself my mother was trying to help me and so was my uncle and my grandmother but i felt like i was smarter than them i was working barely making enough money to provide for myself i pray for a new job so that i can work and be able to provide for myself i pray for a new car so i don’t have to wait for the bus and be around random people i can have my own car and not be on anyone else’s schedule or time i pray that i get back to myself so i can work and just be happy but down the line i would love to create my own business and work for myself i would love for my singing voice to come back but i feel as if i had lost everything i lost my gifts i lost my nice shape i gained weight due to me going to the hospital back and forth they had even threatened to send me back to the hospital because they had said that i wasn’t taking showers i felt as if my mother would listen to me when i would take showers and she would always say that i had got out of the shower too quickly when i would shower appropriately i don’t have a time limit or how long it should take me to shower i didn’t feel comfortable being around her or my cousin i didn’t like living at that house i hated it she would watch me and stare at me all the time she would act as if she was the baddest thing out like she was the prettiest woman alive i don’t have an issue with that but i remember she never would act that way she used to be quiet and be to herself now she just stay inside of her room and i just feel as if she would always watch me and stare at me she would never speak with me and she would move over as if she was aggravated or annoyed when i would be standing by my cousin and speaking with him she didn’t even let me use her phone charger when he had asked her if i could use it she didn’t like me and she would have her hands folded sitting down on the couch and i could feel her hiding inside of her bedroom away from me and i didn’t like her i pray for a new home so i can get back to myself