Ifgen
Humble Servant of All
I pray to get back to myself. I was attending more than one church all near my house and I still haven't gotten back to myself. I found myself going to the masjid and reading the Quran but I felt like I can't see myself covered up it don't feel like me. I was staying at the masjid more than an HR trying to find Allah/God I felt like I couldn't stick to one God because I wasn't being healed and even before I would work and I would spend most of my money on hotels because I didn't like my home and felt under attack by my neighbors I had a really bad experience and I felt like I couldn't stand living here. I don't have my own room and would like to rent out my own place I pray for a new home and that maybe one day I can move into a good area. I pray for a new car too I had my license for a very long time but I just never drove my mother never wanted to teach me but she let her bf drive her truck before me that was crazy to me I didn't like her bf because my mother used to talk about me to him and he believed her she would tell him things which wasn't true and he started to act like he knew me and he once told me to dress like a girl and that I need to help my mother out but this woman barely taught me anything growing up I pray for strength and protection I pray to be protected from the man upstairs he's sending me spiritual attacks and he's always making a lot of noise and I can't take that the noise thing never used to bother me as much but I feel like he do it intentionally and people inside my building that I live in went back and told him that I was talking about him and I should have never opened up my mouth around them not all people are to be trusted and they started talking about me I pray for strength and healing I don't like him and I don't want to live under him anymore I pray for healing and that things go back to normal for me I feel like I let him my brother my mother and my aunt and her family stress me out even my aunt's Hispanic neighbors I didn't like they used to stare at me in a way that I didn't like and they would listen to me and my cousin talk even my cousins stepfather would listen to me talk to him and I heard him tell my aunt that I was going back in the room it's like he broke me down and ruined my confidence and my self esteem he would even talk about how I open and close the door towards my aunt he was a very toxic guy and I didn't like him I felt like he didn't like me either and he knew that my aunt's daughter didn't like me and he didn't even do anything to try to comfort me him and my aunt made matters worse for me and I tried to lower my standards and actually like my aunt because she have mental issues her and her daughter ever since I was a kid they both suffered from mental illness and I felt bad for staying over her place and not being at home I stayed at her house two times and the first time I stayed over there a few years ago it wasn't that bad even though her daughter didn't like me but the second time was worst her daughter started getting her hair done often and she started changing up her looks and she wouldn't speak to me but I tried to speak to her and she ignored me and started standing near my brother and speaking to my brother and his gf I felt like she changed even though she was always mean she wanted people to like her and for men to notice her and nothing is wrong with that I just felt like she ignored me and didn't like me and she older than me and I never did anything towards her and for years I felt like she didn't like me and she liked my brother more than she had like me she was throwing me off I tried to help her get a job before and she didn't tell me what the job had said she went back to my brother and told him first when I was the one who was helping her then when I was walking with her to the library she was walking behind me I couldn't take her serious and kept having to turn around to see where she was at but she suffered from mental illness but still I felt like I have to keep my distance and not be around anyone who doesn't like me I pray to heal from all the pain that she's caused me I pray for healing from the veins in my feet as well I wore these sneakers from asos a couple of years ago and the back part was hurting the back of my foot and squeezing on top of my veins inside my foot and I kept wearing them even though they was hurting me I pray that I can forgive myself for wearing tight sneakers around my waist and for wearing sneakers that were too big for me at the same time because now my feet have grown to a bigger size and I used to have very small feet I pray that my body heals I've been under a lot of stress over the past years from my mother trying to take all her problems out on me and constantly arguing with me and picking fights and not defending me in situations I pray for healing and to get back to myself she made me uncomfortable inside of my own home I never had my own room before she didn't want me to have privacy and I had to leave and stay with my aunt because of that that was the reason I stayed over there the first time and she kept trying to argue with me and she would stand really close behind me like she was going to attack me and trying to project fear unto me now all she do is try to tell me to collect SSI so I can receive a check for the month she threatened to send me to the hospital multiple times because I didn't want to shower when she was home because she would sit at the kitchen table listening to me trying to time me telling me when to get out the shower and how long I should take she didn't defend me when I told her the man next door wife was trying to fight with me and my brother when she was out staying with her bf she let it go on she acted like she was afraid to do something back I couldn't believe her and I just pray to heal from that situation and to get back to myself the neighbors wife ended up dying when I was in the hospital her and her husband used to listen to me through the walls and her husband used to bang on the walls he was waiting for me to finish using the bathroom to bang on the wall soon as I turn the knob to turn the sink on he was terrible and I still feel like he listens through the walls and he used to listen to my brother in his room before and my brother used to have the same problem that I have with him for a while I pray for strength and for healing I don't feel safe living here in this building I felt like the people who live inside this building jealous and fake I don't like that I pray that I can start my own business soon and that my fingers heal so I can cook and make YouTube videos I want to go back to school for cooking and I want to make hair routine videos on YouTube I love doing hair and want to make money doing things that I love to do things that bring me peace and happiness it's like I became burdened with all the things I've been going through and it's made me stuck sad and depressed living under a man who constantly make noise and get mad if he hear noise up under him that man have issues and taking it out on people and I believe him or my family member put a curse on me to mess up my body because they was jealous of me even the lady who lives in the building I feel like her facial expressions whenever she seen me used to look mean so I told her not to speak to me before I pray that things get better for me I pray that my eyes heal I feel like the guy upstairs did something to my eye pupils because when I was sleep he was moving things around right above me where I was sleeping so initially I would turn over and I did and soon as I turned over he did something to my eyes that was very traumatic I felt unlike myself I used to walk around a lot as well and go to the masjid I would walk In a very bad area and walk back at night alone I had issues with a lady who was praying there she got mad at me because I didn't know how to pray I just didn't read the Quran often to learn how to pray well it was a prayer book they gave me but they just gave it to me recently from the masjid I just want to have one faith and one God but I felt like God was upset with me that I checked myself inside of the mental hospital and that I went by my aunt's house to stay with her a second time he didn't want me to do that and my mother was the reason I stayed with my aunt she wouldn't give me no privacy she didn't even want me to be happy and she gave me fake keys when I came out of the hospital so I couldn't get inside the house and then got mad and tried to unplug the phone when I had tried to call my grandmother that woman drove me insane she didn't even want to come to my graduation when I went to trade school I just pray for strength and to heal from all of those years of pain I pray that God forgives me for going to another religion and not fully trusting in him I pray for a new car so I can travel and not have to walk around everywhere especially at night time I pray that my health gets better physically I pray that my eyes heal and that my back heals as well I pray to be healed from mild scoliosis and from flat feet I pray that the arch in my feet comes back I pray to heal from staying with my aunt I felt pain from staying with them for a long time I pray that I can work and make money I been out of work for a long time due to health issues I fear that I wont make enough money working a 9 to 5 I was working before at the mall and decided to quit because I didn't feel comfortable around the Hr woman I felt like she was acting strange whenever she would see me I pray that my health gets better that the muscle spasms stop I pray that my arms and legs heal I hear noises like muscles popping everytime I walk I pray that things get better for me I didn't want to heal because I felt guilty about what I had said about someone before and something ended up happening to them and I felt guilty and I still do I felt like I deserved to be inside of a mental hospital or dead I didn't want to live I felt bad and I didn't like myself for what I had said guilt was eating me alive and I felt very bad I pray for a new home I feel like the man upstairs is sending me spiritual attacks which is turning into physical he makes noise and I feel like I have been haunted over the past few years I regret being with a man I didn't even know and something bad happened but I was okay I pray that I stop making irrational decisions and learn how to love myself again for some reason I feel like I'll never get back to the person that I used to be and I just have to deal with it I feel like my soul was lost and broken I feel like my spirit died I feel like I don't have anything to live for I felt like all my dreams and passions died and I couldn't do them I just want to heal and be happy I pray that things get better for me I pray for strength and protection I pray that my nerves heal I pray that my veins heal I pray that my legs and thighs heal even my vagina area I felt like it looks different my brother used to listen to me through the walls and he used to do things with his fingers and if I would open up a bag of chips he would be listening from his room when I would sleep back at home in the living room my mother used to listen to me too if I listen to music she would copy off me and start playing the same music she would follow me on the staircase and even watch me in the room she would watch me put on my clothes when I would be getting ready for school and that made me mad because it's like why are you watching me get dressed? I pray for better for years I've been depressed and stressed out that's probably why I have all these health issues but I don't necessarily believe that but stress can turn into physical it's like my mother didnt want me to work or make more money than her just like before I was diagnosed with schizophrenia she told the cops and her bf that I had it when I didn't whenever I would tell her all the bad things that people do she would call me crazy and call me names even when I saw a fly inside the house she told me it wasn't a fly in the house and she got mad at me for every hairstyle that I did and none of them was bad she's a very negative woman and it's like I don't like being around her I pray for strength healing she hurt me and sometimes I feel like I can't get past that because she was supposed to love me and defend me and be honest but she was against me and she don't even speak of me to family members it was very bad I pray for healing and that things get better for me I pray for a good birthday this year my birthday is in December on the 15th and I just want to go out to get breakfast I pray to be healed and for better for myself I pray for a new home and a new car I pray to be protected from the man next door he do things through the wall him and whoever live with him if I move he move I feel like he put a spell on the floor inside the room I can feel his negative energy through the walls and if I move my body he start moving harder he was talking about me two years ago when I was just walking down the street and he started saying stuff to a man he was with and he was doing stuff through the walls but the man started staring at me a bald head older dude and he started threatening me because I said I would get my uncle to beat him up he told me he would get inside my uncle's ass as in beat him up I think he told him that I was crazy I think he was telling everybody who live inside that house that I was crazy and I didn't do anything to him a couple years ago when I was working at Kmart he came up to me and told me that his wife was looking for a job and I didn't even know who he was he told me that he was my neighbor that man must of been lurking watching me the entire time and I'm a girl so for him to do the things he was doing is insane I feel like he want to remind me that I'm crazy and that I can't get better and that I have to stay stuck inside this home and this building I can feel him sending me negative energy him and the man upstairs used to talk with each other outside and they never used to talk until they both had an issue with me they gossip just like women and act worse than a woman I don't like that and want to move away from this building that man is toxic and he have things going on with him a few years ago he sent someone to the house to fight my brother and he knew that my mother wasn't here and his son threatened to beat my brother up and we didn't open the door them folks wasn't right at all and had a lot of negativity towards them and I would like to move away from this I felt stuck like I'm a good person I don't bother anyone I pray for strength and for healing I pray to get back to myself weird people trying to do things to my body I felt like my fingers the man upstairs did something to them and I didn't like that I felt lost afraid and not like a regular human being I want to get better and for God to restore me me back to good health I pray for healing and that everything goes back to normal I don't like my mother to be honest I don't think I ever will she's not a good woman and she always trying to lower me and cause problems for me trying to ruin my life she always talking bad about me to my grandmother and the love she was showing to my aunt and them I felt like it was fake she never even wanted to take my picture or take me out for my birthday or do anything for me I used to be down bad she used to want me to stay in the house and not hang around people I don't like that I felt like I'm young having friends and being around folks isn't a bad things but I do get it I pray to heal from my past I felt like some people liked her more than they liked me and wouldn't even speak to me certain people at family functions I just don't really be trusting people I can't even lay down In the bed and get rest because the neighbors I feel like he's on the side of me watching me through the walls he's not my father or anything that man is weird and he told me before that he wanted to help me I know my mother was talking about me to people and telling them that I had schizophrenia she told folks from my dad side that I was sick and they started to change their view of me.my uncle. Pushed me when I told him he kept dancing too much he was downtown doing the most and in everyone's face trying to be this dude and I was joking when I said he was dancing a lot he got mad and started threatening to kick me out of the store even though we were downtown on the outside he tried to pick a fight with me and my own father never tried to put his hands on me that tore me apart and made me feel some type of way and I pray that I can heal from that too he tried to throw me off everytime I was around him he just seems agitated and like he wasn't In the mood and then he tried to mention something that I said to my grandmother a couple of years ago he tried to mention what I said to her to me and it's like he already didn't like what I said and was already judging me I'm not no lil kid whether he my uncle or not I have the right to voice my opinion and speak my mind he tried to throw me off and make me feel bad about that I don't trust that man he always looked mean and mad around me.like he wanted me to sit down and act scared or act innocent then he mentioned how he was trying to help me he barely had anything to help himself he bought me food and let me stay with him by aunt's house but that's about it. I don't like being around him or my other uncle their brothers and they both used to talk about me and run back to my father I don't like that and my father would tell me to take care of myself my father didn't want me to be over his house that was the worse decision I made staying over his house he kept talking and he wouldn't be quiet it's like I had no privacy or room to relax and he was acting strange to me too he said he go through a lot he put me out not in a bad way but he told me he was stressed and that he had to have the house to himself and he didn't want me there so I had to go back home to a house I didn't like it felt awful just living in this neighborhood I can't stand it I hate it and want to move badly it's not a good area to me I hate the building I hate the floors I hate the people very old building I kept going to the hospital across the street to find peace and they got tired of me coming to the hospital and they would talk bad about me there I had one security guard try and fight me because she asked me who I was calling and tried to call me homeless and said I didn't have a phone and then she called me ugly and kept going on they had to have somebody escort her out she was a older woman I felt like she was hating and she was trying to tear me down I had bad experiences with people at the hospital and I was inside one of the rooms that you keep people locked in voluntarily because I didn't want to be out in the hallway and I stayed in there for a couple of days I was depressed I felt like something was wrong with my body then I felt lost and out of control and the lady Chinese lady called me crazy I'm not crazy she called me crazy because I got mad at something she did I pray for strength and healing not everybody be righteous some folks have mental problems foreal and don't want to change or seek help I was transferred to another hospital and that's when I was rooming with a Chinese girl and she was opening and closing the door and she kept saying hi to me I didn't feel comfortable around her I felt like she was making a lot of noise singing and doing the most when I would be asleep even the staff who was there when I was sleep she had shut the dresser really loud and it woke me up and when I had opened my eyes she had just walked off she didn't like me she must of thought I wasn't right somehow I pray for strength and for healing and to get back to myself some of the.people.inside of those mental hospitals aren't righteous and I don't ever want to go back I felt like I betrayed myself by staying at them hospitals for way too long and my mother would talk to me while I was there all I wanted to do was come.home I was there for a couple of weeks at one of them and a month at another one I felt sad and depressed like I lost myself even when I had the sheets wrapped around I felt like the sheets was doing strange things to my body I pray for strength and for healing I pray that my fingers heal I pray that my back heals from mild scoliosis and my feet heal from flat feet I pray to be healed from all the pain that my cousin caused me when I stayed.over her house I didn't like her and she didn't like me I felt like she was trying to punk me her and my uncle was trying to punk me and I felt like Iet them and I didnt feel righteous I was trying to heal that's the only reason why I went by my aunt's house the second time from something bad I said about someone I was dating random grown men and letting people give me money I didn't have a home to go to I was staying with my aunt and I wasn't working and it was just a very bad experience I just pray that things go back to normal for me and that I get back to myself. I pray that the relationship that I have gets better I pray for my own home I pray for happiness I pray for good health I pray that I continue to look young I pray that my body heals God please heal me and please heal me I pray for a new iphone one that works where I can make phone calls and text I pray for healing from my past I pray that my brain heals I feel like something happened to my subconscious and my breathing I feel like the man upstairs was sending me spiritual attacks he must not like me I can see my shadow and I feel like I performed cpr on my mother's bf who passed away and I haven't been myself I felt like I killed him because of what I had said I pray that my body heals and that I get back to myself I was talking to a psychic and she couldn't tell me why I was coming to her so I was going through a lot and she tried to take all my hard earned money and I was paying her too she didn't deserve to take all my money she told me that I was going to kill myself and ever since then I felt like maybe she was right and I did feel suicidal because of what I had said and because of the things that was happening to my body I pray for forgiveness for allowing another person to predict things about me I was wasting my time with her and I kept asking her crushes that I had on the job I felt like she couldn't even tell me things about myself until she told me that I felt guilty about something and that the person knew I pray for complete healing and to heal from anxiety I was looking bad when I was out and bad things was happening towards me I pray for strength and for healing I wouldn't even fix my hair or use the bathroom I would stand up using the bathroom because I thought someone was listening to me this started at my aunt's house and ever since then I've been.afraid to use the bathroom I pray for healing and that I get back to myself I didn't have anywhere to go and would visit other towns and then feel lost and out of place all of my old friends I stopped being around them and me and my best friend I stopped talking to her because she started liking a guy I used to talk to and I felt like she liked him.because.i. was happy and she didn't.want.me.to be with anyone.and I felt like she was in competition with me over looks and not to be mean but I look way better than her and she tried to make me feel bad she's not a good person and I don't feel bad for not talking to her anymore I felt her acting different around other people and she wouldn't.speak with me as much she had.her.other friends and she tried to compete with me I felt like I was losing her to another friend she had but that friend said she was acting different around her she had her daughter and started acting strange I don't have time for people like her I would like to be friends with someone who values me I pray that I can heal from that friendship he started to get bad and she didn't even acknowledge me when I was down and left me alone by myself I don't think she liked me and I could tell her and her friend used.to.act.strange. inside the bathroom and I just didn't feel comfortable around them.very. negative women and she was my best friend for years but sometimes you have to move on from people and do your own thing I pray for healing and strength I pray for my own home so that I can be at peace and move from this building I hate it I don't like the elevator or the staircases it stresses me out I don't like the floors inside my house they make a lot of noise it never used to be like that this house used to be peaceful and I never had any problems here I pray that things get better for me I pray for my teeth to grow back two of them came out in the back and I feel like the pain came from this.house.i.feel.like it's haunted and would just like to move out I feel like the walls piss me off and make me angry I never liked my brothers room and that's where I stay I pray that I get out of this room and house I feel like I'm surrounded by men who listen to me when Im in the room I pray for a new home please God help me