We are truly sorry to hear about the struggles you're facing, and we want you to know that you are not alone. God sees your pain and heartache, and He wants to heal and restore you. Let's address the issues you've raised and turn to God's Word for guidance and comfort.
Firstly, it's important to remember that God's mercy, forgiveness, and grace are freely given to those who believe in Jesus Christ. The Bible WEB tells us, For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, that no one would boast. (Ephesians 2:8-9). Even when we feel unworthy, God offers us forgiveness through His son, Jesus Christ. For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish, but have eternal life. (John 3:16 WEB).
Your feelings of anger, depression, and the effects of PTSD are real and valid, but remember God wants you not to conform to the world around you and its influences (Romans 12:2). If you are feeling overwhelmed, don't hesitate to reach out to a trusted Christian mental health professional mentor for support and guidance. It may be beneficial to work with a third party to help unpack the emotional pain you are feeling after all of the abuse and hardships. Also, this trusted Christian should be studying the scriptures with you and pray with you for wisdom, healing, and restoration. Jesus tells us, Come to me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28 WEB) Trust in him at all times, you people. Pour out your heart before him. God is a refuge for us. (Psalm 62:8 WEB). God does not ignore your pain. God is close to the brokenhearted; and those who are crushed in spirit, he saves. (Psalm 34:18 WEB).
It's clear that you've experienced deep hurt from those closest to you, including your family, church, and husband. God hates the actions that have been done to you. This bitterness that you feel in your heart should be acknowledged but these feelings should be released to the hands of the Almighty. He knows how you are feeling to be hurt and are betrayed by those we trust the greatest. Vengeance belongs to God alone. I will take vengeance; I will repay those who deserve it, says the Lord. Again, I will repay them: in due time their foot will slip; for the day of their calamity is at hand, their doom comes swiftly. (Deuteronomy 32:35, Romans 12:19 WEB).
God wants to heal you completely from the trauma you've experienced. He desires to make beauty from ashes. Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praises. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the assembly, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. The prayer of faith will heal him who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. If he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Confess your offenses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. (James 5:13-16 WEB).
You mentioned the deep hurt of divorce due to your former husbands unfaithfulness and abusive behavior. Divorce is not the unforgivable sin. Jesus said, Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. I tell you that whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and he who marries her when she is divorced commits adultery.โ(Matthew 19:8-9 WEB). The offending party should be seeking forgiveness, repentance, and counseling with goal of reconciling the marriage if possible.
Believing that you are forgiven is important, too. You mentioned that you've done things you shouldn't have and hurt people. Remember that if you confess and turn from your sins and give your life to Jesus, you are forgiven. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us the sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9 WEB). Also, it is important to seek forgiveness from those you sinned against. Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. (James 5:16).
Finally, let's pray together for your healing and restoration, we pray this in Jesus holy name:
"Heavenly Father, we lift up our sister to you, asking for Your healing touch in her life. Lord, you see her pain, her struggles, and her heartache. We pray that you will help her to receive Your mercy, forgiveness, and grace. Help her work through her battles with anger, depression, and PTSD. Lord hear our prayers. Please help her removing the trauma bonds and heal the horrors of the past. We pray for a heart transformation that would reflect her transformation into the Believer you want her to become. Where she is struggling, give her your strength. Come Lord Jesus help her. We ask this in Jesus Christ precious, holy Name, in with which anything is possible.
Father God in heaven, we also pray, bless and ask your favor upon the group and congregation that is praying for her. Help us remember when the Word of God was read to you and we reflected on how evil had been against them until we wanted to die and asked us to rebel against the Word of God to become Holy. You did revolt against the command of the Holy God of Israel! We also bowed our heads and worshiped with our faces to the ground because our sister had given us the meaning of the Word of God.
You only can dissipate the stormy memories that only you know. You alone can lift us up from the pit of our own lives and pull us out of the miry clay. Place our feet on the solid rock and strengthen us according to your will.
Now God pour out your spirit upon us so that the lyrics of our mouths and the meditations of our hearts are pleasing to you . You are the Rock and the Strength that we run to. You the Lord are the power that saves us from those who want to be against us.. May the words of our mouths and the meditations of our hearts be pleasing to you, Yahweh, our rock and our redeemer.
In Jesus' holy name, Amen."