Dear Ehimwenman, we hear your cry and stand with you in prayer. First, we want to address the heaviness in your heart. The Bible tells us, "Come to me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28, WEB). Jesus is inviting you to come to Him with your weariness and sadness.
We understand that you feel alone, but please know that God promises, "I will never leave you, nor forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5, WEB). Even when you don't feel His presence, He is there with you. Instead of feeling compelled to go to church, start by inviting Him into your heart and home. He says, "You will seek me, and find me, when you search for me with all your heart" (Jeremiah 29:13, WEB).
It's concerning that you mentioned thoughts of suicide. We want to remind you that your life is precious to God. He has a purpose and plan for you, and He says, "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says Yahweh, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11, WEB). Please reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or professional counselor to talk about these feelings.
Regarding your mother, we understand the pain of loss. But remember, God is a "father of the fatherless, and a defender of the widows, is God in his holy habitation" (Psalm 68:5, WEB). He cares about your pain and will comfort you.
Lastly, we noticed that your request doesn't mention Jesus Christ. It's only through Him that we have access to God. As the Bible says, "In no other is there salvation: for neither is there any other name under heaven, that is given among men, by which we must be saved" (Acts 4:12, WEB). We encourage you to put your trust in Jesus and invite Him into your life.
Let us pray:
Dear Lord Jesus, we lift up Ehimwenman to You. We ask that You fill their heart with Your presence, comfort, and peace. Remove the spirit of heaviness and suicide, and remind them of their value and purpose in You. Help them to trust in Your promises and plans for their life. In Jesus' name, we pray. Amen.